Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

AHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GOT A BONER!!!!

Butt-head

Kick him in the nads, Beavis.

Butt-head

Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly.

WHAT!?!

Beavis

Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy.

Butt-head

Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff....usually harasses me at least once a day.

Beavis

Four or five times for me, sir.

Beavis

  She's doing it again!  She's doing it right now!

  What is she doing?

Beavis

  She's giving me a stiffy.

  Giving you a what?

Beavis

  Heh, you know…boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

Butt-head

  [to judge]  He has an erection.

Butt-head

Some day, we're gonna have wheels just like Todd.

Beavis

Yeah, then we can, like, drive chicks to school.

Butt-head

You dumbass! If we ever get a car and chicks, we're not going anywhere near a school.

Butt-head

Maybe he has diarrhea.

[crying] He does NOT have diarrhea. I'm his mother, I would know if he had diarrhea.

Beavis

Have you looked in the garbage can?

[crying] Oh no, you...

Butt-head

Beavis, you dumbass, why'd you tell her that? ... Stewart doesn't fit in a garbage can, dumbass, remember? If you wanted to put Stewart in a garbage can, you'd have to like, cut him up into little pieces.

Now, Beavis and Butt-head, if you could grow any type of food, what would you grow?

Beavis

Heh heh. Um...nachos.

Butt-head

Nachos aren't a plant, dumbass. They, like, make 'em from stuff.

That's right, Butt-head. And corn is an excellent choice. Or, as the Native Americans call it, "maize".

Beavis

No, no, no. We want to grow nachos.

In a few months, Beavis, when the corn grows, you'll be able to make your own nachos.

Beavis

Yeah, but we can go to Maxi-Mart and get some right now.

Butt-head

Yeah, but this is school. They have to do everything ass-backwards.

Butt-head

Uh, hello?

Hey, congratulations. You just won yourself a free pizza.

Butt-head

Cool!

We'll be happy to deliver it right over to your house. What's your address?

Butt-head

Uhh...

You don't know your own address?

Butt-head

Uhh...

Uh, tell you what. Do you have any mail around? Read me the address off of that.

Butt-head

Hey, Beavis. Do we, like, have any mail around?

Beavis

Uh, let's see. Just that stuff we took out of Stewart's mailbox.

Butt-head

[into phone] Uh, okay.

Good. Now, what does it say?

Butt-head

Uh, Stewart Stevenson, uh, 67 Maple Street. Now hurry up and get that pizza over here. I'm hungry.

Butt-head

  [reading the phone book]  Uhm…Sa-Sachz…Ha…rry…Hairy Sack.  [laughs]

Beavis

  Harry Sack!  [laughs]

Butt-head

Uhh, what?

[over the phone] This is your boss at Burger World. We're having an extremely busy lunch, I need one of you to come down to Burger World

Butt-head

Uhh, I'm like, busy watching TV.

Well, then, let me talk to the other one.

Butt-head

Uhh, okay. [does a bad impression of Beavis] Uh huh huh huh. Like, hi, this is Beavis, uh huh huh huh, yeah, huh huh huh. I'll be right in, sir, yeah, huh huh huh huh. You can always, like, count on me, sir, huh huh huh huh. [hangs up] Hey Beavis, that was that manager dude at Burger World. He says you have to go to work right now.

Beavis

No way! That sucks! It sucks! Hey, how come you don't have to go to work?

Butt-head

Because I'm, like, busy watching TV.

Beavis

Oh yeah. This sucks

Mr. Anderson

I can get you a real good deal on that bushwhacker.

Butt-head

Bush.

Beavis

Whacker.

Beavis

Maybe we can suggest that school sucks. SUCKS! SUCKS!

Butt-head

Or maybe we can suggest that we can get a teacher that's cool.

Okay, class. I'm very disappointed with your test scores.

Butt-head

We scored.

Yeah, Can I help you?

Butt-Head

Yeah. We're going to buy this beer and get drunk.

Yeah? Well, you can't buy beer unless you're 21. Lemme see some ID.

Butt-Head

Oh. Uh.. Well... Uh... Uh.. Uh... Huh huh... We left our IDs in the truck.

Beavis

Yeah yeah. Truck.

Oh, you guys are buying that pee-water. I guess I can sell that crap to you.

Butt-Head

That's right. You can sell it to us. (chuckles) We're old.

I'm going to have to take you boys downtown [picks up non-alchoholic beer] and I'm going to have to take this with us.

Butt-Head

Yeah, you can't forget the beer.

[Reads on back of beer "Contains No Alcohol" and reads it aloud] You guys aren't drunk, you're just stupid.