Ray Gillette quotes from Archer

[pointing gun] Don't you move. Don't move a inch.

Ray

What do you mean, "don't move"?! I came to help, you asshole!

Randy

Well, you ain't gonna be much help with your legs blown off. There's mines all in the yard.

Archer

Ray, to be honest, I'm kind of having second thoughts about this whole thing.

Cheryl

Uh, get in line.

Randy Gillet, where are your manners? Get these folks the map of that damn minefield so they can come inside. [seductively] I've got some nice hot pie for 'em.

Archer

Okay, now I'm having third thoughts.

Ray

Oh, please don't.

Archer

It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot, but also moist... Although hopefully not flaky.

Ray

So is it just E.Z. coming or...

Randy

No, it's the whole sheriff's department. I'd say twenty men, AR-15s, maybe grenades, oh...dogs! Duh.

Archer

Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.

Randy

Well I got a few tricks up my sleeve. Janelle, why don't you take Mr. Archer and show him the defensive perimeter.

I'd be delighted.

Ray

[as Archer and Janelle walk out] Well, now, wait a second...

Archer

Fifth thoughts!

Ray

Archer!

Randy

Don't worry, she won't bite. But speaking of, it's about suppertime. You still partial to fried chicken?

Cheryl

[having snapped a rooster's neck] I'll cook it... if someone shaves it or whatever.

Archer

I feel sick. What's happening? Do I have cancer again?

Ray

You drank too much!

Archer

That's a thing?

Ray

I'm coming out.

Archer

Ha ha, phrasing.

Malory

I'm off for a seaweed wrap.

Ray

[Under his breath] I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.

Krieger

A small power unit goes here on your... spiney thing, which sends electical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and... stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg bones.

Ray

I have to say, it kind of worries me that you don't know the names of the actual bones.

Archer

[Stranded in the desert] Unless I'm hallucinating, there's a Land Cruiser over there flipping his high-beams at us.

You're hallucinating.

Archer

Oh. Well, the good news is we don't have to worry about these alligators... that's not actually good news, is it?

Malory

My God, a perfect score on the IFAAB merely indicates that a person is a candidate for field agent status! It can't determine if they're suited for actual field work. I mean, what if she had to subdue an agent?

Pam

Cue sad trombone, and... go.

Malory

Pam! What the hell did you... waagh! [Brief shot of Cyril thrown to ground and picked up and thrown again] My God!

Krieger

And it goes on like that for another 38 soul-cleaving minutes

Ray

Of which, you were there for 2.

Krieger

3! Hey, I was scared, I ran away; sue me! And sue me for this! Smoke bomb!

Malory

...and then, give me the file I asked for!

Ray

Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?

Malory

What was that?

Ray

Nothing!

Malory

Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark.

Cheryl

Awwwww.

Ray

LANA! Would you hurry up?

Lana

Said the guy apparently too busy counting his bionic legs to help.

Ray

I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for like 30 years.

Cheryl

Yeah, until he got blown up. Which was actually my fault.

Cyril

Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg who then became the new head of the KGB.

Krieger

Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts. And a corpse.

Cyril

Oh, Jesus I forgot about the...

Cheryl

Giant pot farm in West Virginia.

Pam

And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.

Ray

Irish mob.

Cheryl

Piracy.

Cyril

White slavery.

Pam

No, actual piracy. With, like, boats.

Archer

It's time to gather some intel.

Ray

Intel? No, do not compare what we do now to intelligence work.

Archer

Don't worry, I won't. Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really compare to helping overthrow democratically elected governments. Like the U.S. did in Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua, uh... oh, Iran! Because, spoiler alert, those didn't really work out so great! But that's OK, because I'm pinning my hopes for the future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that ragtag bunch of mujaheddin heroes in Afghanistan!

Cyril

Why are you so afraid of crocodiles?

Archer

Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T Extinction.

Cyril

The...?

Archer

Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with a bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...

Ray

[Interrupts, breaking into song] Waiting for the Night!

Ray

Quickly, get it before it gets on me!

Lana

With what? There's nothing to wipe it up with!

Archer

Ah-ha! [Holds up Cyril's vest] Maybe it is good for something!

Cyril

Are you crazy?! That's cashmere!

Archer

Wha- [Hands Cyril back the vest] Oh my God, sorry!

Lana

What, so it's non-absorbent?

Archer

Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules.