“Lo Scandalo” · Season 3, Episode 8
In this episode: Malory Archer (12), Lana Kane (8), Dr. Krieger (4), Cheryl Tunt (3), Ray Gillette (3), Pam Poovey (2), Cyril Figgis (2)
Well, unless it was the creepy-old-people-bondage-sex police, why would anyone break in here and shoot him?! No answer? Okay, let's ask him. [Pulls off mask]
Holy shit!
Because he's Savio Mascalzone.
Uh...
Oh, for - The prime minister of Italy!
The what?! Wait, doesn't Italy use a king?
No, they don't "use a king!"
What year do you think this is?!
I... yeah, exactly. Good question.
I have a question, mother. Why does this chair have no seat...and WHAT...IS IN HIS ASS?!
Mother! What is in his ass?!
Oh, please. Don't act like you've never seen a "marital aid" before.
Not in a dead prime minister's ass!
And you can stop repeating that! We've established where it is!
[Discussing Operation Gladio]
It was a NATO stay-behind set up to counter a possible Soviet invasion of Western Europe.
But then it sort of turned into this whole weird crypto-fascist CIA shitshow, starring Allen Dulles and a bunch of former Nazis.
Thanks, Holly Hindsight.
Lawyer up. Call the cops.
What?
Oh, and hit the throttle on the bourbon because I'm gonna have to, uh, bust you in the face a couple times.
What are you talking about?
Self-defense, mother! It's your only shot! We'll have to uncuff him and "de-dildo" him, obviously...Smash up the furniture like he was chasing you all rapey. Fortunately, he's Italian so that shouldn't be too hard to sell.
I bet I'll never be able to have sex again without thinking about this! I bet I won't even be able to eat spaghetti and meatballs. Oh god!
What?
I could eat. Not necessarily spaghetti and meatballs, but, you know, not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs. I mean I really like spaghetti and meatballs. Man, if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I may literally die.
So, we've got a dead Italian prime minister in the living room which--
Sucks, because I bet he knew how to make sauce.
So once again you're left with the classic Irish man's dilemma, do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?
What is your problem with the Irish?
You mean besides not being on our side in World War II?
Yeah, besides that. Wait, seriously? They were Nazis?
No!
Well, they're not Japanese...
Neutral!
I need access to a two-inch drain, hot water, three GFCI outlets--this bathroom should do nicely--and a pot of coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter, preferably fair trade.
You got a potato?
What is this? Christmas? And is Krieger...hard at work?
He literally might be, yes.
Ew.
Somebody's trying to frame Malory for murdering the Prime Minister of Italy.
Oooo, I bet it's that wicked king!
I needed help...disseminating him.
Eww!
Not what it means.
Still pretty gross though.
And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.
How small?
[holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.
That's...actually pretty smart.
And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.
That's actually pretty gross.
Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.
Well you've only been here twice.
Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?
Don't ask.
And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...
Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!
Yeah, I found it!
Found what?
Don't ask!
Can I keep it?
Keep what?
Don't ask!
Just get it out of here, please!
Yeah, take that tone.
I hate all of you so much.
No one cares, Figgis. You're only here to round out the numbers.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
