So as far as Archer is concerned, I feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.
CherylYeah, but Cyril was... oh wait, did he have some sort of character flaw?
[Brief shots of Lana walking in on Cyril having sex with Scatterbrain Jane, Framboise, and Cheryl (whom he is choking); Cyril is looking up and nervously saying "Hello" in each one]
[She lunges at Cheryl. They fight throughout the following]
Cheryl
Bring it!
Yeah, we are code blue here.
Hey. Yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.
No, I meant, like, for her face...
Cheryl
[To Lana] Choke me!
No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.
Oh my god yes! But your place is disgusting, so where could we have it?
Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.
[letting up on Cheryl] He'll hate that. I wanna come.
Cheryl
Ohhhhh, I think I just did.
TTrinette
Ew, what is this? Homemade salad dressing?
TTrinette
Ew! I actually... have my own.
So... you won't need this.
[Grabs jar and walks away]
Cheryl
Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags and a book about SIDS.
TTrinette
What, what kind of shit gift is that?!
[shouting from distance] Me too!
[with Woodhouse] That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.
. . .
TTrinette
[holding Seamus] Somebody's got a full diaper.
[shouting from distance] Me too!
So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?
Cheryl
Dick Sledge.
No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Cheryl
Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...
Cheryl
...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...
You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...
Cheryl
Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Cheryl
I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!
Cheryl
Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.
[loading up in the armory] No, shut up, we go in, drop the journal, and get out--no snooping.
[wearing infrared goggles] Aw, come on! I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...
Cheryl
Tons of cock porn lying around?
I don't have cock porn just layin' around! But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.
You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden, here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning, you forget it's in there! Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Why would you think it's okay to share that?
[with Lana's sniper scope] Oh my God, I can see my penthouse!
Well unless there's a sniper in it...
Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!
[In the penthouse are Ray and Pam with their hands up, and Cheryl, whose hands are behind her back]
CCop
You! Get your fricking hands up!
Cheryl
You're not my supervisor!
Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.
Cheryl
No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl
Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
Cheryl
"You're a moped."
How'd you know? And what's it mean, anyway?
Cheryl
Mopeds are fun but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Oh... I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had ten beers.
Cheryl
Forties?
No... yes. Hence the shandy!
Archer · 497 quotes
