We'll never catch him in this thing!
Maybe you should've thought about that before you blew the damn drop!
I blew jack shit!
Name dropper.
“Job Offer” · Season 1, Episode 9
In this episode: Malory Archer (10), Lana Kane (7), Pam Poovey (2), Trexler (2), Cheryl Tunt (1), Cyril Figgis (1)
ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer! Only Sterling Archer beats... [He trails off as he realizes he's lost the target.]
Do you wanna finish that thought?
Do you wanna shut your big, fat, negative, wordsy mouth?!
[after Archer hits a polo ball out the window] God, you're a natural! Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school, no doubt.
Yeah, 13 years' worth.
13 years?! What, did she ship you off in kindergarten?! Gosh, that must've been tough.
No, I loved it. Uh... made a lot of good friends. [Quick cutaway to a young Archer sitting alone on the lacrosse field] Family, almost, is what they were.
Speaking of, how's your mother taking all this?
Oh, please. I bet she doesn't even miss me.
[Cut to ISIS]
[drunk on Absinthe] Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy! Just like that Christmas break when I moved and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school. [Cheryl gasps.] I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself. He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling in that police station like a little girl! What's that tell you?
Kind of a lot, actually.
Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren.
I don't care if he's happy!
Well, that's obvious.
Meaning what exactly?!
Meaning who leaves a nine-year-old in a police station on Christmas?!
Eve! And he told you about that?
Oh, we've had such great talks.
Fire him!
Join him! Come work for me.
Have you lost your mind?!
Every time I see you.
Fire him.
Can't do it.
Can't or won't?
Either?
No, as a matter of fact, I don't have Barry on speed-dial.
Well, gee, that's rather surprising.
You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.
And really expensive, turns out.
No! Baby, I am putting you in the corner.
Telex. You got one in here?
Why? So you can smash that too?
No.
[Talking over Lana] Because I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for the furnishings!
Mother burned me?
Apparently.
Oh, my god, that's classic her.
You're both classic her.
Looks like Jonestown in here.
Yes, Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.
Too dead inside to read good news?
Is it my obituary?
Well, it's not that good.
And?
And...
And are you going to loom over me all day, like some sort of... henge?
Let's talk this out.
Talk what out?! How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN?! Or--ooh!--maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick!
Ex-boyfriend, I bet.
Oh, you think?!
Yeah, he's not coming back. That chick was, like, the Pelé of anal.
[To Lana] Oh, OK! Then, I guess just pout!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.