Pam Poovey quotes from Archer

So as far as Archer is concerned, I feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.

Yeah, but Cyril was... oh wait, did he have some sort of character flaw?

[Brief shots of Lana walking in on Cyril having sex with Scatterbrain Jane, Framboise, and Cheryl (whom he is choking); Cyril is looking up and nervously saying "Hello" in each one]

Couple things...

[She lunges at Cheryl. They fight throughout the following]

Bring it!

Yeah, we are code blue here.

Pam

Hey. Yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.

No, I meant, like, for her face...

[To Lana] Choke me!

Pam

No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.

Oh my god yes! But your place is disgusting, so where could we have it?

Pam

Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.

[letting up on Cheryl] He'll hate that. I wanna come.

Ohhhhh, I think I just did.

S2 E3 Blood Test

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TTrinette

Ew, what is this? Homemade salad dressing?

Breast milk.

TTrinette

Ew! I actually... have my own.

So... you won't need this.

[Grabs jar and walks away]

Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags and a book about SIDS.

TTrinette

What, what kind of shit gift is that?!

Pam

Yeah, I made mine.

[shouting from distance] Me too!

[with Woodhouse] That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.

Me too!

. . .

TTrinette

[holding Seamus] Somebody's got a full diaper.

[shouting from distance] Me too!

S2 E3 Blood Test

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Pam! Get off Cyril!

Pam

[Coming out of the bathroom] I was trying to get him off, Buttinski!

S2 E3 Blood Test

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[Struggling to operate the photocopier in the new “Green” ISIS] Stupid, efficient, Canadian lightbulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing!

Pam

What are you doing?

[Holding up a “Found Cat” poster] I need six more of these.

Pam

Why do you need seven?

One for each cat. Duh.

S2 E4 Pipeline Fever

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For god's sake, Pam! Have you no sense of decency? That bathroom's like a... a war crime.

Pam

Don't blame me, it's those new low-flow toilets! With the old ones, you could flush a dachshund puppy. [Pause] I mean, not that you would.

S2 E4 Pipeline Fever

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You know tontines are illegal.

Pam

So are all kinds of shit, but look at these odds. Half the people that work here are field agents...

...who get killed in the line of duty all the time! And the control room...

Pam

...is just one great big asbestos lawsuit waitin' to happen.

Yeah, here are some more claims forms.

Pam

And how long you think this one's gonna be around?

[Indicating Cheryl/Carol, who's drinking rubber cement]

Yeah, count me in.

S2 E5 The Double Deuce

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Pam

Frickin' head's poundin', I'm sweatin' booze and my head's killin' me!

You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.

Pam

Personal best!

Your mother must be SO proud.

S2 E6 Tragical History

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And now we're on the brink of World War Two.

Pam

Three.

It's not a competition, Pam!

S2 E6 Tragical History

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Get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.

Pam

Really?

No! Its a catch-22. The amount of alcohol it would take would literally kill me!

Pam

Dick.

But I do want to see how many pool balls you can fit in your mouth.

Pam

My record is three.

S2 E6 Tragical History

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[Pam has stolen Rona's journal]

Give me that! Little miss invasion of the privacy snatchers!

Pam

Oh, come on! Haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?

Ray Gillette

No! Well, except Randy Muckler who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft. So, I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands? A booby trap blew his arms off.

S2 E7 Movie Star

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Pam

So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?

Dick Sledge.

You wanna...

Pam

No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?

Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...

Pam

Sploosh!

Jinx.

...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...

Pam

You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...

Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.

Pam

Why'd you have a knife?!

I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!

Pam

Holy shitsnacks.

Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.

S2 E7 Movie Star

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[loading up in the armory] No, shut up, we go in, drop the journal, and get out--no snooping.

Pam

[wearing infrared goggles] Aw, come on! I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...

Tons of cock porn lying around?

Pam

I don't have cock porn just layin' around! But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.

How do you forget?

Pam

You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden, here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning, you forget it's in there! Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.