[All dialogue and action unseen]
All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So... Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.
Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.
But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.
Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!
[Muffled gunshot]
God, Cyril, that was... [gunshot] pathetic.
Come on! Everybody shoots!
PamHey, I wanna go!
[Five muffled gunshots]
Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...
No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.
Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...
Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and... Sterling!
But this gun--it was a gift.
Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!
Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.
[Flick of a lighter, slight plume of flame]
We still didn't get the UN contract.
Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!
That smell takes me back--just like a Zambesi feast.
Pam
Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?
It would be weirder if you weren't.
I think that's hot, like somebody murdering me is so... intimate.
[Later, discussing her fetish]
You seriously don't think that's hot?
Pam
I seriously think you're scary.
No no no no, like, a big, sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, "yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth", but instead he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just, flurp, falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.
[Awkward pause]
Pam
Jesus Christ!
Pam
You know, I think we're making some real progress.
Where, in opposite world? We're never gonna finish all this!
Pam
We could, if certain people would help!
[Standing behind stacked cardboard boxes] I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.
Pick one. Either A, I tell Lana what happened on that scratchy green office rug, or two, you get inside me.
Or C, maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.
I don't think that's how blimps work.
Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid, naturally safe helium.
But I am liking the jamming imagery... [She rips open her shirt] and the killing.
[To Pam, who's sitting nearby] And you are just going to sit there?
Pam
Yeah, until she tags me in!
Pam
So, you're ruining Cyril's life because, in your dream-the-impossible-dream world, it'll make Mr. Archer jealous?
Oh, Pamela, you read me like a poem.
Pam
Yeah? What's the poem gonna be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?
I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?
You're driving Cyril straight toward another woman.
Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.
[Cut to Cheryl in bed, with Cyril on top on her, having sex, with Cyril choking Cheryl]
Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my God yes!
Oh, my God, what am I doing?
Pam
[on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.
[Malory and Pam are standing over an unconscious Cheryl]
Pam
Cyril got in over his head and…
Jesus God, did he kill her?!
Pam
No, he ran from her to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts freaking out and...I kinda had to drown her in the tub.
[Cheryl comes to, coughs up water and passes out again]
Pam
Apparently not. So...good news.
Pam
Looks like Jonestown in here.
Yes, Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.
Pam
Too dead inside to read good news?
Pam
Well, it's not that good.
[Archer is explaining the plan using dolls on a floorplan of ISIS]
Why do we have so many damn dolls?
Pam
For sexual harassment complaints. So people can non-verbally indicate where stuff happened on their body.
That takes, like, one doll!
Pam
Not if there's ever a gang rape.
[Cheryl smiles and nods]
Archer · 497 quotes
