Pam Poovey quotes from Archer

You idiots! This isn't Cheryl Tunt!

Pam

That's what I've been tryin' to tell ya. Between this little gal's love-taps-- [Kidnapper hits Pam in the face] Seriously, maybe see if your daddy'll give you a roll of nickels.

Thanks for getting us inside, Pam. [beat] Someone shoot her.

Pam

Oh, OK, then good luck with all the biometric scanners. Unless you wanna cut off my fingers and scoop out my retinas. [Pause] Oh, don't be dicks!

Would you hurry up?!

Pam

Hey, I'm not the one smashed my eyes into eggplants! Nutsack!

Pam

[To Malory] And you! The worst of the bunch!

Malory

Me? Why me?

Pam

Five thousand measly dollars?!

Malory

Y'know, maybe I low-balled him at first... But I had some wiggle room.

Pam

Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whupping five thousand buck's worth of your ass.

Malory

Pam!

Pam

[From outside office] I'm not eavesdropping...

Malory

Get your bloated carcass in here!

Pam

[Entering] Whattup?

Malory

You filthy sneak! You've been going through my desk?

Pam

OK, A: No-one cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant. B: Sometimes I work late and C: There's this new thing all the kids are doing called Shutting the Damn Door!

Barry

According to ODIN's guy in the KGB. Which, as a real agency, we have.

Malory

We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty.

Barry

Yeah. So i hear.

Malory

How did... Pam!

Pam

[From outside office] I'm still not eavesdropping!

Pam

This deuce aint gonna drop itself!

Archer

You realise I can never unhear that? ... Why are you crying?

Pam

Because I got ripped in a bar last night and I was trying to beat my record for cramming pool balls in my mouth when some a-hole slaps me on the back and...

Archer

No! You swallowed a pool ball?

Pam

I wish just one. And I've still got two to go, so if you don't mind. [Closes door]

Archer

Pam, wait! I had something... what was it? ... Uh, something about stripes and solids.

Pam

What a hunk

Cheryl

Total sploosh.

Lana

Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray

And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Pam

What a hunk!

Cheryl

Total sploosh.

Lana

Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray

...and whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Malory

But if the emergency beacon is going off -- oh my God, their plane crashed!

Cheryl

(gasps) I said that would happen and it did! What if I have psycho-kinetic powers?!

Pam

I dunno, just try to only use em for good.

Cheryl

....no.

Archer

Your exact words, Pam: “Dr Charles Drew or I will eat a bag of dicks”!

Pam

[Belch] Bring ‘em!

Cheryl

That Burt Reynolds is so freaking awesome!

Archer

Yeah, he... kinda is.

Pam

After this, I am going to go home, watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.

Cheryl

Just tape them up!

Cheryl

If this doesn't work, we just paid a hundred buck for liquid fart.

Pam

Yeah, well, here's shit in your eye.

Ray

Oh God, it tastes worse than it smells!

Pam

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... [Brightly] I'd have eight nickels!

Archer

Does no one seriously know what today is?

Pam

Tuesday?

Cheryl

The rapture?

Pam

Well go on, give your mom a hug.

Malory

Oh, I don't think that's...

Archer

[Interrupting] Possible.

Malory

What?

Lana

Ugh, he's got an erection.

Archer

It's this Corinthian leather!