Lana Kane quotes from Archer

Lana

I want it officially on record that I am strongly opposed to this mission.

Malory

[Laughs] What record?

Lana

Why not?! Why won't you stand up to Malory with me?

Pam

Um, because we don't give a shit?

Lana

About the Earth?!

Cheryl

Please! If you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will because you're just counting days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her deathbed and in a croaky whisper explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know...

Lana

[shocked] ...Excuse me... [Leaves]

Pam

Daaaaaamn!

Cheryl

What? ...Oh-my-God was I talking?

Archer

Mexico's most notorious coyote... Which is Español for "people smuggler."

Lana

Thanks. That's—

Archer

And also for... coyote, it turns out.

Lana

Archer—

Archer

It's a loanword. Or is it a calque?

Lana

Why do you always do this?

Archer

Because I'm always bored.

Cyril

Is he—? This is totally nerve-wracking. How are you bored?

Lana

Don't engage him.

Archer

Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shit-hole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.

Cyril

And probably Mexican cartel gunmen!

Lana

What'd I just say?

Archer

Big whoop. I'm spooning a Barrett .50-cal. I could kill a building.

Lana

Just put one through the engine block when the truck has to stop, please. [To Cyril] This is what he does. He knows we're tense, because we're normal human beings. My theory—and I'm serious—is that he's got some rare kind of pervasive developmental disorder, or even undiagnosed atypical autism.

Archer

Um... Your mic's hot.

Lana

I know.

Archer

Wow.

Lana

What do you think you're doing?

Archer

My job, Lana.

Lana

And what part of your job exactly is groping my ass?!

Archer

The part that calls for spy-craft. C'mon, we're posing as newlyweds, so—

Lana

Yeah, posing!

Archer

And I'm drunk on nuptial bliss.

Lana

You're drunk on champagne.

Archer

Eh, little column A, little column B.

Lana

...then passing out on the bed, totally naked, for a... what'd you call it?

Archer

Power black out. And, you're welcome.

Lana

Yeah, thanks. The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter!

Archer

Relax, it's North Korea. The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.

Archer

Go online and check your bank account.

Lana

Now? When I'm suction-cupped on a window thirty stories above the ground?

Archer

Yeah! You should have five bars.

Lana

Okay so, it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up? But— [hangs up]

Lana

Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?

Archer

No, I sarcastically climbed all the way up here to see what your bonus is! He said, sarcastically! Phone!

Lana

Okay. Jesus! Keep your voice... [checking phone] Whoa!

Archer

Sucks, right? That's not even... remotely fair! What the shit?!

Lana

Apparently, we're in a crazy parallel universe, where bonuses are based on merit instead of whether or not you crawled out of your— [drops phone] mother—!

[Having Lana and Archer hostage] Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish, we take you back to Glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

Archer

Oh. Then do go ahead and shoot us.

Lana

Archer!

Archer

What, Lana? It's none of those things! It's not Democratic, it's not a republic and definitely not glorious!

Lana

Oh my God. Okay... You're abandoning the mission to go home and pout?

Archer

I'm not going home... I'm going down there to kick some Kim Jong Ass!

Lana

Wha— no! We're doing surveillance!

Archer

Yeah, which is apparently French for just sitting around on your ass!

Lana

Yeah, which is why it's surprising that you're soooo shitty at it.

Cyril

Suppressing fiiiireeeee-extinquisherrrrr!

Archer

Is that...

Lana

Cyril?!

Cyril

Lana!

Lana

I'm coming, Cyril!

Archer

Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you ever said that. Right? Huh? Okay now we can go.

Lana

[cocking a gun] Cyril, hit the deck!

Archer

Wait, why Cyril—

Lana

[Shooting North Korean spies] GET SOME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! GET SOME!

Archer

You're missing out on all the great things that Tangiers has to offer.

Lana

Name one.

Archer

Cheap...

Lana

[Interrupting] Apart from cheap hash and a repulsively low age of consent.

Archer

Rugs?

Archer

Lana! NOW!

Lana

He said, last-wordsingly.

Lana

Are you shitting me?!

Archer

What? It was either this or the Vespas. It's not my fault Italy's so gay!

The good news is my men have apprehended Cardinal Correlli, who immediately confessed to the plot.

Pam

HA-HEY! That is good news!

Lana

You know how the whole the good news is thing works, right?

The bad news is...

Pam

Oh, right.