Lana Kane quotes from Archer

Lana

Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.

Archer

Okay... it's not though.

Pam

Well go on, give your mom a hug.

Malory

Oh, I don't think that's...

Archer

[Interrupting] Possible.

Malory

What?

Lana

Ugh, he's got an erection.

Archer

It's this Corinthian leather!

Lana

How much did Dodge kick in?

Malory

Not as much as you'd think.

Archer

Well, unless it was the creepy-old-people-bondage-sex police, why would anyone break in here and shoot him?! No answer? Okay, let's ask him. [Pulls off mask]

Lana

Holy shit!

Malory

Because he's Savio Mascalzone.

Archer

Uh...

Lana

Oh, for - The prime minister of Italy!

Archer

The what?! Wait, doesn't Italy use a king?

Lana

No, they don't "use a king!"

Malory

What year do you think this is?!

Archer

I... yeah, exactly. Good question.

Malory

It was a NATO stay-behind set up to counter a possible Soviet invasion of Western Europe.

Lana

But then it sort of turned into this whole weird crypto-fascist CIA shitshow, starring Allen Dulles and a bunch of former Nazis.

Malory

Thanks, Holly Hindsight.

Lana

So, we've got a dead Italian prime minister in the living room which--

Archer

Sucks, because I bet he knew how to make sauce.

Archer

What is your problem with the Irish?

Malory

You mean besides not being on our side in World War II?

Archer

Yeah, besides that. Wait, seriously? They were Nazis?

Lana

No!

Archer

Well, they're not Japanese...

Lana

Neutral!

Archer

You got a potato?

Malory

What is this? Christmas? And is Krieger...hard at work?

Archer

He literally might be, yes.

Lana

Ew.

Lana

Somebody's trying to frame Malory for murdering the Prime Minister of Italy.

Cheryl

Oooo, I bet it's that wicked king!

Krieger

I needed help...disseminating him.

Cheryl

Eww!

Pam

Not what it means.

Lana

Still pretty gross though.

Krieger

And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.

Ray

How small?

Krieger

[holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.

Lana

That's...actually pretty smart.

Krieger

And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.

Lana

That's actually pretty gross.

Cyril

Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory

Well you've only been here twice.

Ray

Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Don't ask.

Pam

And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory

Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger

Yeah, I found it!

Cyril

Found what?

Don't ask!

Krieger

Can I keep it?

Cheryl

Keep what?

Don't ask!

Malory

Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger

Yeah, take that tone.

I heard him tell you to do it.

And I'm telling you to do it.

And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space!

Archer

[in hiding with Lana and Cyril] Wait, there are animals?

Lana

No, Animal Farm.

Cyril

How do you not get that?

Archer

Cyril, I know what an animal farm is.

Cyril

Not an animal farm—

Archer

Maybe we can, I don't know, stampede a flock of goats down the hall.

Lana

Animal Farm is a book.

Archer

No, it isn't, Lana! It's an allegorical novella about Stalinism by George Orwell! And spoiler alert: IT SUCKS! [Guns are pointed at them by Kellogg and the scientist] Although, I was talking about an actual animal farm. So... never mind.

Lana

I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.

Malory

Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.

Lana

As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsely?

Malory

...Pam.

Lana

How could you not see that?!

Cyril

Because, I only have two eyes and they were both busy looking for hunters!

Lana

[Referring to Cyril's bright orange snow clothes] Why, is it "pumpkin season"?!

Cyril

[Gasps] Is that a thing?

Cyril

Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?

Lana

Ummm... Because... I'm not a giant pussy!

Cyril

And yet, somehow, incredibly single.