Lana Kane quotes from Archer

Pam

So, what are you, like, the Mafia?

Hah! We are like your Mafia...

Lana

Like Seal Team 6 is like the Girl Scouts.

Exactly.

Archer

But the real good news is that we saved the Pope's life!

For which we are grateful. However, we cannot tell these two apart, so...

Archer

So I actually have an idea about that.

Lana

Is it... take them both home, see which one's a better butler, and give the other one back to the Catholic Church?

Archer

Uhh, never mind.

Malory

Last night, an Air Force B-52 bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!

Archer

Well it's about frickin' time! [Beat] What, we're not bombing them in advance of an amphibious invasion?

Lana

Why would we invade Bermuda?

Archer

Oh... Bermuda, duh. I was thinking Bahamas.

Lana

Same question.

Archer

Same answer: Why not? It's how we got the Virgin Islands.

Cyril

Actually, the United States bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.

Archer

Okay, Mr. Peabody...

Malory

Are you finished?

Archer

Yes?

Malory

Good. Because the B-52 was—

Archer

In the middle of the Bermuda Triangle! Is this about the Bermuda Triangle? Because that's my fourth biggest fear.

Malory

The B-52 is on the ocean floor here at a depth of 8,000 feet—

Archer

Or 1,333 fathoms.

Lana

How do you know that?

Archer

How do you not?

I'll be waiting for you.

Lana

Was that... Did he sound like... Do you think this is some kind of a trap?

Archer

What? No, I don't think it's a trap! Although I never do. [Beat] And it very often is.

Lana

We're from ISIS.

Jesus Christ, no wonder this all went tits-up.

Ray

LANA! Would you hurry up?

Lana

Said the guy apparently too busy counting his bionic legs to help.

Lana

Son of a...bitches, I am pregnant!

Cyril

Yes! Who could forget, with the bastard spawn of a total stranger.

Lana

Okay, first of all... [flashbang lands near Cyril] Cover your eyes and ears!

Cyril

You're not the boss of me! [flashbang goes off] Meep? Meep?

Archer

Archer Vice.

Lana

What?

Archer

Nothing. Shut up.

Lana

What's in Miami?

Malory

Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?

Archer

That sounds high.

Archer

[To Lana] But the point is we are highly trained covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set of skills. [To Pam] PAM! LEG! [Back to Lana] Since the government has unjustly accused us of treason. We are now forced to transfer those skills from espionage to criminal activity. Kind of like the A-Team but we sell drugs.

Lana

And you're OK with that?

Archer

Are you not? Lana, it's the A-Team meets Scarface! That makes me... ummm...

Lana

Hannibal Montana?

Lana

[to Archer] If anything goes wrong, I'm holding you responsible.

Archer

[sarcastically] Yeah, that'll teach me.

Malory

Well, what did he say?

Pam

Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon.

Archer

Because?

Pam

Because a violin would probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in.

Ew!

Lana

But if all Moto wants is his drugs...

Malory

Then he can give us a refund.

Lana

Of worthless counterfeit money?

Cyril

It's not exactly worthless. The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it.

Malory

What?! Why didn't you say that?!

Cyril

Uh, I don't know. I assumed you knew.

Ron

Everybody knows that.

Malory

[Dismissively] Metric. Who uses metric?

Lana

Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia, and Burma.

Archer

Wow, really? 'Cause you never think of those other two as having their shit together.

Lana

What are you eating?

Pam

Yogurt.

Malory

[snatching spoon] Give me that! Lick it.

Archer

Well, can't unhear that. [Takes lick from spoon] Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?

Lana

How have you never tried yogurt?

Archer

Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.

Malory

It's good because it's cocaine!

Archer

Oh, my God, and little kids eat it?