[At the court in Saudi Arabia]
JJudge
I'm sorry, counselor. What did you say your name is?
CCounselor
Irv Rosenblatt.
JJudge
Guilty!
CCounselor
Every single case! Oy, this is a tough town.
S1 E13Stan of Arabia: Part 2
Oh, God, we're all going to die... and our lives meant nothing, absolutely nothing! L- I mean, uh, something comforting.
[Cell Phone Ringing]
JJudge
That's me. Sorry. Hang on. Yello. Oh, hello, sir. What? But they're infidels. Fine. Great. (gets off the phone) Rock blocked. You're free to go.
What do you think happened?
[cut to palace, where it's revealed that Roger's husband made the call]
HHusband
Okay, beast with two backs. Now. (drops his trousers)
Oh, that's what all the fuss is about? Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.
S1 E14Stannie Get Your Gun
Pen-gun, mightier than the sword.
[holding sword, blade folds to reveal a barrel] Sword-gun, mightier than the pen-gun.
[talking to his cookie] Shush...don't speak. I'll go get some milk for your bath
[after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]
Hey, son!
Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]
[after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?
Steve! What are you doing?
[suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]
[in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.
Look at you two. Who would've thought guns would bring you so close together?
I know. If only we could get some guns to the Middle East.
This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!
What?!
Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!
S1 E15Star Trek
Funny, I always wanted a pool filled with cherry Jell-O. Well, in the end I got it. I got a lot of other things on my rise to stardom. Women... respect... that joke about the ten-inch pianist... Can't believe I never got that before.
So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring, as boring as a bad metaphor. Or simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.
Any letters for me?
No, just another postcard saying that your hair looks like crap - hey, it's from me!
Francine, when I look at your hair I doubt I could eat the amount I wanna vomit.
S1 E16Not Particularly Desperate Housewife
Wow! For housewives, those Ladybugs really have it all: a fast-lane life and a slow-motion walk.
LLinda
Ugh. They're snobs, Francine. A girl would have to be pretty desperate to wanna associate-
Christie! [approaches to Ladybugs] Remember me? Francine. Oh, how I wish I could peel off your skin, put it on and be you. [pauses] I mean, hi.
[Hayley enters her room, where Steve and Klaus are reading her diary]
What are you doing?
Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.
Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.