Scenes with Klaus 49
So, will you be paying your $20 in cash or... [notices the Frat Boys driving and dashing him] Hey!
FBFrat Boys
Can't catch me! [laughter] Thanks for the ride, sucker!
I don't believe it. I treated them with nothing but respect and civility, and they want to stiff me!? [he then gets mad and the camera closes up to his eyes as he squints. Roger is about to go on a rampage of revenge. He then drives the limo towards the first to-be-killed Frat Boy]
KlausWhoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
You don't mess with a man's dream.
[The first to-be-killed Frat Boy is in Roger's sights and Roger runs him over, killing the first Frat Boy.]
Klaus
WHOA! Dude, you killed him!
[as he crosses off the first Frat Boy he killed on a picture he took earlier] One down, four to go.
Klaus
You're really gonna kill five people over $20?
Are you really asking that to the guy who, just last week, killed six people over $19?
Klaus
[downcast] Oh, yeah...
[Realizing that he wasn't gonna be fine, Frat Boy #5 packs up everything he needs in his apartment. Before he closes his suitcase, he looks out the window and then closes his suitcase. The scene cuts to an airplane taking off. With Frat Boy #5 inside, he takes a deep breath and get out his iPod with earbuds, puts them in his ears and reads a magazine. He then notices the limo on the airplane's left wing and the Limo plays the Dixie horn one last time as it drives towards Frat Boy #5. He screams as he tried to escape the airplane, but ended up getting killed along with three others by the limo that drove through the plane, causing everyone else on the plane to scream as air masks drop down. The plane then explodes in the air as it falls down. Roger and Klaus are floating down to safety using parachutes. Roger then crosses off the last frat boy he killed on the photo.]
Klaus
Roger, you got your revenge. Can we go home now?
[Roger then notices a woman next to him and he undoes her parachute as she falls down to her death.]
Klaus
ROGER!
I'm sorry, I got the blood lust! Eventually I'll get bored with it. Remember when I was super into Jiffy Pop? Had it all the time for a snack? Overdid it. Then I started having a little Greek yogurt and berries at night. That's all I need. Hey, so, what's happening with that girl? Are you still emailing--
[Roger and Klaus then land on the ground as they fall flat with Klaus' fishbowl broken.]
[Francine is sunbathing]
Seriously, I'm gonna die one day and I want to make sure I left something behind that can be proud of.
Klaus
What about your kids?
Nah. [sets her margarita on the table and lifts her sunglasses up] I'm talking about something more permanent. I want to invent a catchphrase. Something is perfound as... all that and a bag of chips!
Klaus
Oh, come on. Don't you think everyone has tried coming up with a catchphrase? It's next to impossible.
Well, Klaus. I'm gonna do it. And... you can put that frog in the cassarole.
Klaus
[sighs] Bitch.
(Steve just drank and threw away Stan's can of soda)
[to Stan] That phrase the old man said to you was in Latin. But, uh, I can't find the translation.
Klaus
What did he say exactly?
Um, it was something...[says something in Latin]
Klaus
[says the correct phrase in Latin] It means, "Walk in my shoes and you will know." It's a really good hex.
How do you know so much about hexes?
Klaus
I do a lot of reading, you know, 'cause I sit in the ******* bowl all ******* day.
[after Klaus has hit Stan on the head, knocking him out]
Klaus
Stan, are you okay? You have to wake up. We have to go.
[Stan regains consciousness and sees that Klaus' voice has come from his body]
[Stan is shocked to see himself in Klaus' fish body]
You son of a bitch! You switch us back right... [defecates] Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just pooped. Does it just float here? Why is my mind telling me to eat it?
Klaus
[in Stan’s body] Hey!
[after hearing Stan sing Climb Ev'ry Mountain while still in his falsetto voice]
Oh, my God! That was transcendent!
Klaus
With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!
I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?
I suppose I could give it a try.
[the others cheer]
Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, this could be just what I need to get outta this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!
Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…
[he, Hayley, and Klaus drop their instruments]
[Francine eats cookies while the other Smiths are preoccupied, until...]
[sniffs] Mom's cinnamon cookies?!
Klaus
Terrific. No one cares about me. They just care about my cookies.
[having seen Roger on TV, disguised as Terry and Greg's adopted child] Roger is their adopted baby?!
Klaus
But that can't be! I just saw Roger sleeping in the attic! He was 2 pillows and a soccer ball. Oh, wait a minute.
Klaus
Stan, you're never getting back in!
DDeliveryman
I got a delivery for Klaus Heisler?
Klaus
Ooh, hello! I wonder what it is? Oh, it's big. It's so big. And it's all for me! What could it be? Maybe a giant aquarium? Maybe it's a lifetime supply of fish food! [slyly] Or maybe it's Stan, Francine, and Hayley. All right guys, truce. Welcome home.
He's opening it! It's working!
Klaus
[offscreen] Oh no! NOT THE KITTIES AND THE BIRDIES!
[over Klaus's yelling] Once they've taken care of Klaus, the house will be ours again!
Klaus
I killed them! I KILLED THEM ALL! DO YOU HEAR THAT, STAN!?!
Klaus
HAH! NICE TRY!
[walks over to Klaus] Okay, Klaus, I will try one of your hazel whatevers.
[Hayley takes a bite out of the omelet with a fork and gets a look of satisfaction]
Mmm! This is really good. What's in it?
Klaus
Hazel nut, butter, eggs, veal, milk. [Hayley spits out her omelet] I use whole milk. Some people...
Wait. Veal?! There's meat in this?
Klaus
For thickening. You know what they say; you can't make hazelnussomeletten without kinderkuhfleische.
Klaus! I haven't eaten meat in over a year! [retches]
[Hayley starts to feel sick, covers her mouth, and runs to the bathroom to vomit and coughs. Klaus turns to Roger]
Klaus
How do you like yours, Roger?
[Roger feeds his omelet to the Roomba]
Ah, it's great, it's great. [smiles uneasily at Klaus]
How come the pizza guy didn't help us?
'Cuz Klaus didn't tip him.
Klaus
An apple is a tip.
Klaus
A third ridiculous guess?
[knowingly] I think I know what this is.
Yep, that's salt. It's a salt deposit. [he looks at the shocked expressions of the family] Oh my God! Did you guys think it was cocaine? Cocaine doesn't grow underground, dumb-asses. You gotta make that shit! With blood and sweat. And a little bit of salt. You got to cut it with salt to hit your margins. So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here.
Stan (woozily): What...what's going on? How'd I get back here?
You never left. You've been on a psychedelic trip for 24 hours.
Klaus
But you were never alone. I saw to that, bro.
Dad, we only have 20 minutes to get you to the DJ battle.
So...I didn't beat Bullock.
Klaus
No, Stan. You were just humming the Cheers theme song and shitting yourself.
Klaus
Damn, Steve! You wake up camera ready, lucky dog! Takes me hours to shake that “just woke up” look.
Klaus
And your morning voice sounds clear as a sparrow! Me? Forget about it! No phone calls before noon.
Klaus, I have to get started on my dad’s present.
Klaus
Damn, and no morning breath? Do you sleep with mints in your mouth?
American Dad! · 929 quotes
