Klaus quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Well, well, well.

Klaus

Dad!

Stan

No. Looks like you got it all figured out.

Steve

W-W-Why are you doing this to us?

Stan

[imitating Steve's quivering to start off] W-W-W-W-W-W-W-why, why, why, why? Because you guys can't give me one decent day, no matter how many chances I give you!

Francine

Chances? What are you talking about?

[as the "alarm" Stan has set goes off at 5AM] Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya...

Steve

[opens his curtains, revealing snow on the window] Dad's been tricking us into reliving Father's Day every day for six months! [Hayley and Francine gasp]

Francine

[pissed off at this revelation] You brainwashed us?!

Stan

Oh, of course, make it about you! Well, since you won't remember this anyway, I'll get everything out of my system so I can wake up tomorrow without being so cheesed off! [sees Steve's lip quivering] Go ahead, Steve, cry! It'd be weirder if ya didn't! [Hayley gasps] Go ahead, Hayley, gasp. It'd be weirder if ya didn't!

Francine

Stan, enough!

Stan

[really losing it now] SINCE WHEN IS ANYTHING ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?! For the last 20 years, you just sit around and wait for me to bring home money. "I need rugs! I need bananas!"

Francine

Stan, stop before you say something you'll regret.

Stan

Oh, I haven't even STARTED! [as "Scatman" plays to block the dialogue, Stan unleashes a vicious and truly venomous speech about his family's faults; judging by the movements, he criticizes Francine for her pompousness and excessive alcoholism, Hayley for her near-incessant use of marijuana, and finally Steve for his immaturity and frequent masturbation]

Steve

Let's just say I hope Lindsay's call was monitored and recorded, 'cause it was sexy as hell!

Klaus

Oh, Steve.

Steve

You sound just like Lindsay!

Klaus

[On visiting Arizona State] Oh, man. If you knew what I had in store for you, all your worries would melt away. You'd be swaddled tight, wrapped safely in my freshly laundered plans.

Steve

Klaus, what the fuck are you talking about?

Klaus

I really hope there's a Darryl Strawberry rookie card in your grandpop's unit.

Steve

Sorry, Klaus. Even if we found a Rebecca Lobo rookie card, I'd leave it there. Dad would be so angry if he found out about this. I just wanna learn a little bit more about Grandpa.

Klaus

You'd take the Lobo.

Steve

I'd have to.

Roger

The show must go on.

Klaus

A-Am I early for book club?

Roger

No, you're late! And that's two weeks in a row! You're out!

Klaus

I didn't read it anyway.

Air hockey?

Klaus

No thanks, I don't feel like playing.

Aw, you're gonna make me play with myself?

You ruined it! You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face!

Snot

What's happening, Steve? [sobbing]

Klaus

Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook!

Barry

I feel like I’ve seen something like this done before.

Klaus

No, no, it’s all original. These are fresh ideas, obviously, Barry. Can you lean in a little? I want to match the image I have in my mind.

Snot

What a shutter slut.

[in Japanese] When did we all get jealous about this?

Klaus

So many people dead. Breaking Bad is depressing!

Steve

For the saps who watch the show in regular order!

Roger

Yep... for us "reversos", and Christian Scientists, I think, death is but the beginning of the story.

Francine

People are actually watching this?

Klaus

Hundreds!

Hayley

And you can make money from it?

Klaus

Thousands!

Roger

It'll take more than just shouting numbers to get me on board.

Klaus

Millions!

Roger

Well, you called my bluff. I'm in.