Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

"Bros before hos," Steve. Brothers before whores all day long!

Steve

And Mom is the whore in that scenario?

Steve

Okay, how about this for a case: Wheels's ex comes to town, looking for whoever poisoned her race horse.

Steve

Hey, what if I'm visited by the ghost of my dead father, who also used to be a detective?

Roger

So we're just saying the first thing that comes into our minds? Okay. Tickle monster!

Steve

[To someone invisible beside him] I know, Dad, I have to deal with this every day at the agency.

Roger

YOUR GHOST FATHER IS NOT HERE!!!

Steve

Oh no? Then who's... [gets up from his wheelchair] ...possessing me!?

Roger

Stop it... Stop it, Wheels... Stop it...! Wheels...! STOP IT, WHEELS'S FATHER!!!

Roger

[comes into the car with a shopping bag] Alright, I've got everything we need. [Takes the items out] Chocolate milk, some cheese puffs, and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.

Steve

Whoa! Whoa, Legs, you sure that's a good idea?

Roger

I've never been more sure of anything in my life. [Takes a turkey baster of the amphetamines and puts a drop of it in his eye.] See? Everything's in moderation. [reaches for the bag of cheese puffs] Now, I'm gonna have five cheese puffs. No more.

Steve

Legs, please, just pull over!

Roger

Why are you calling me Legs?! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why there's a wheelchair in the car?!! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY LEGS YOU NAZI WALRUS BASTARD?!?!

Steve, who is he talking to?

Roger

Shut up, Garfield! Why-wh-why do you- Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!

Stan

Good morning, kiddo. Sorry again about missing your birthday. What do you say I take you to a ball game?

Steve

Sorry, man. Got other plans.

Stan

What's the problem? I'm trying to bond with him.

Francine

Well, you're too late. Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ball game with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ball games, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?

Stan

Ahh. [laughs] Ah-hah. Ohh.

Steve

I didn't like the last half, it's not as effervescent. Nope, the bottom's not for me; I'm what they call a top. [Roger's eyes widen at Steve's unintentionally suggestive line]

Stan

I can't believe you drank my soda that I bought with money I earned.

Steve

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't know you wanted it. (waves his fingers in Stan's face): Here, my fingers are still sticky. You can suck on them if you want.

Steve

YOU were Alicia Wilkner?! We went on seven dates!

Roger

Nine. I roofied you on that last two. Nothing happened. Wink-wink.

Roger

Wheels, may I speak with you? Papa Wheely, why don't you go fill out your HR forms. Teddy Bonkers will help you.

Stan

Th-- the teddy bear?

Roger

Teddy bear! His name is Theodore Bonkers. He's not the smartest guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met. I've met Ed Burns.

Steve

Just go with it.

Roger

What the hell, Wheels?

Steve

He was so excited. I... I couldn't let him down.

Stan

Uh, it says "List previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable?

Roger

Yes.

Stan

The point is is you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.

Steve

Gee, Dad. That sounds great. Oh, no. The school doesn't have a wrestling program anymore. Aah, squigglebottom!

Stan

What? I am outraged!

Roger

Well, take your outraged elsewhere. I have another group coming through. We'll exit through the gift shop [they walk over to the counter and he takes out a CD] Make sure to check out our Stan Smith: Pan Flute Rain Forest Music [pan flute plays] Each song sounds the same. It somehow manages to be worse than the less.

Roger

You know how they take kidneys out?

Steve

No.

Roger

[creepily] You'll walk into your room and there will be plastic sheets all over the floor. Before you can react, a man in a ski mask will tie you to a chair with an Indian braided belt he got on vacation in Santa Fe. He'll turn on some Huey Lewis, and then cut the damn thing out with a rusty keyhole saw. No antiseptic, no Novocaine, no nothing! Just the song "Hip to Be Square" drowning out your boyish screams.

Roger

Now no one has anything.

Roger

You really think I can change?

Steve

Bitch, what did I just say?

Stan

It’s okay! I left the bear in to kill the shark! They’re natural enemies since the dawn of time! [The bear on the raft growl]

Steve

Not working in tandem! They’re brothers in arms! Agh!

Stan

Not the hiccups, don’t worry. Kim Nick Cage of this mother! [gets the electric wires] This time, I’ll make the right call. I’m gonna electrocute him.

Francine

Oh, Stan, I don’t think… [Roger is accidentally electrocuted by Stan]

Steve

Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day. [puts it back in the envelope]

Stan

Oh, is that a letter for Snot? I'll mail it for you.

Steve

[hands Stan the letter] Thanks. This is my fifth letter to him. I hope this time he writes me back.

Stan

Doubt it. Snot's probably moved on with his life and I think it's time you did too. [hands him a net] Here, I signed you up for lacrosse.

Steve

Dad, I'm not a physical boy.

Stan

Well, now that Snot's not here to drag you down, you can do anything. Let's see what you can do with that lacrosse stick.

Stan

What are you doing?

Steve

Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?

Stan

[sighs] I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.

Steve

[sighs] I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up.

Snot

I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot five years ago and never came back. Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.

Barry

Maybe you should try calling your dad.

Steve

I guess it's worth a shot.

Stan

Hello?

Steve

Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?

Stan

Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work, you know? Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill.

Stan

God. The first five, ten times you take a life, it's eerie. You remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen.

Stan

'Course eventually, I just stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring how much KFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket. The sick thing is, I've come to love it-- snuffing out lives, I crave it. I feel like an angel of death. The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.

Stan

A merciless demon with an unquenchable-- oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet. Gotta run.

Steve

I can't turn this in. It's all about my dad killing people.

Snot

Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else.

Stan

Hello?

Steve

H-Hey, Dad.

Stan

Son, glad you called. I was kind of bumming, thinking about your mom.

Steve

What? Why?

Stan

[groans] I feel our lovemaking has lost all of its intimacy.

Stan

We're not attuned to each other's love energies. We're just slamming away.

Steve

Dad! I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone.

Stan

Hey, guys. [the scene shifts back to him] Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it.

Stan

And why not? Sex with your mom feels great. It's easy to think maybe that is love.

Stan

And then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on. I pull her hair, choke her lightly-- or not so lightly...

Steve

Dad, when you were my age, what was the cost of a loaf of bread?

Stan

The focus becomes how hot she gets, how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure... [Snot, Barry, and Toshi snicker]

Steve

Alright, this is enough.

Snot

[in a poor impression of Steve] Dad, what do mom's boobs look like?

Stan

I'll tell ya Snot, they're perfect. Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in.

Barry

...and that's why my dad didn't go to his dad's funeral, and why I won't go to my dad's funeral! [he crumples up his paper, throws it on the ground angrily, and storms off]

Steve, you're up.

Steve

Yeah. Uh, see... m-my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions.

Sounds like a whole lot of nonsense, Steve. You know what I think? I think you're just trying to get out of this assignment.

Steve

[shortly] Oh, is that what you think? Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go. [Steve walks up in front of the class, pulls out his cellphone, and speed-dials Stan]

Stan

Hello?

Steve

Hey, Dad. I'm calling from my history class. So, who was president when you were a kid?

Stan

Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? [Mr. Brink's eyes widen, while Steve simply looks bored] You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about--

Stan

[voice breaking] anxiety, disappointment... diarrhea more often than not. [sighs] I don't-- I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days. [Steve hangs up]

Steve

See, Mr. Brink? [he looks up to see Mr. Brink is no longer at his desk] Mr. Brink?

[sadly] He's right-- it's pointless. Life... dismissed. [he jumps out the window, and a loud, wet thud is heard right after]