Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Steve

Mama, when's Daddy coming home?

Francine

Hopefully not before the futon market cools off.

Steve

Roger, I need your help. There's a big crazy guy at school who wants to beat the crap out of me.

Roger

I'm listening.

Steve

We're supposed to fight Friday at 3:00. I only have two days to find a way out of it.

Roger

I know a guy who loves a good fight. I'll give him a call. He'll take care of your problems.

Steve

Oh, thank you. Wait, the guy's not gonna be you, is he?

Roger

No, I promise.

Steve

'Cause a lot of times when you say "you know a guy", you're really just thinking about yourself.

Roger

Fine! It was gonna be me, but since you're making a big deal about it, I'll call somebody else, okay? Stop figuring out my tricks! [crushes his desk with a bat and puts his clothes back on] My model plane.

Steve

Oh my stars, what a day!

You have new messages.

Steve

When did I get an answering machine?

Hey, Steve, how's it going? It's Roger over at Roger's Gym. Just wanted to follow up on your visit. Give me a shout when you can, no presh. Hope you're well, man. [machine beeps] Steve-O! Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym. Hey, I was talking to my manager, incredible deal just popped up, thought of you. Holla atcha, boi! Call immediately. [machine beeps] Steve, it's Rowdy Roddy Piper. No I'm just kidding, it's Roger. Just on a smoothie run, want to see what you wanted. I'll just grab you the protein power blend, meet you up in the gym in about fifteen, we'll get the sign-up outta the way. [a car horn and a huge crash is heard] Ah, you clipped me, bro! Make that twenty bud, I got clipped. I'm okay, not everybody's okay. Actually if you could get the smoothies, that would be a big help, and grab me a bagel would ya? YOU CLIPPED ME, CHIEF! [machine beeps, Roger whispers] Hey, Steve. Hey, I'm at the courthouse, I'm not supposed to have my phone. Three people died in that accident, they're saying it's my fault, but it's total crap. Anyways, listen, if you could just stop by the courthouse, drop off those smoothies, we could knock off that sign-up, I got the forms with me. My manager said he'd throw in a couple of pilates classes, I've never seen him do that.

Hey, get off the phone!

[angrily] What'd you say to me?! [machine beeps]

Steve, it's Snot! Turn on the news, dude! Someone's going berserk at the courthouse shooting everybody up! [machine beeps]

Steve, it's Roge! Roge, the Dodge Charger, I'm back at the gym. Listen, my manager is freaking out about this deal I'm offering you, I can hold him off for a couple few. Call me... [Steve pushes the machine's button] Steve! [Steve pushes again] Steve-O! [Steve pushes again] S-Man! [Steve pushes again] Stefan Urkel! [Steve pushes again] Even Steven! [Steve pushes again] Steve-it-to-Steaver! [Steve pushes again] STEVEN, PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!! [Steve pushes again] Hi, calling for Steven Smith. [Steve pushes again, Roger speaks in poor feminine voice] Hello, Steve, this is the girl that you like.

Steve

I don't believe this! How could they put me at the kids' table? I'm 14!

I'm Batman.

Steve

NO, YOU'RE NOT! [sighs] I'm too old for this. I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are wasting your Charizard!

Hayley

Hey, buddy. [lifts the flap]

Steve

It's called "Fortress of Solitude". Not "Fortress of Come on In".

Hayley

Oh. Right. Star Trek Wars. [imitates lasers]

Stan

Wow. Full moon tonight.

Roger

Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon.

Stan

Is that true?

What.

Roger

Is any of this?

Francine

[grunts]

Steve

Oh.

Well, i’m not for sure.

Steve

Hey bitch, where's my Mickey Mouse towel!

Francine

I'm sorry! I'll try harder.

Steve

[sniffs] Mom's cinnamon cookies?!

Klaus

Terrific. No one cares about me. They just care about my cookies.

Steve

You know that beautiful girl Jenna I've kinda had my eye on?

Roger

Is this the same girl whose picture you put in your pajama bottoms before you go to bed?

Steve

You know about that?

Roger

Who do you think takes your pajamas off at night?

Steve

I can't believe my dad ditched us here.

[in Japanese] And he dishonored us by taking our cell phones.

Snot

Guys, how long do you think we can last out here?

Barry

I don't know. But if we're gonna die, I'm not goin' out a virgin.

Snot

Well, if trees count, then I'm Wilt Chamberlain.

Snot

Field day!

Steve

The perfect DNA sample! All we need is another one and-

[arrives] What are you two doing here?

Steve

I know it looks bad, two teenage boys in a girls' dressing room, but I can assure you, we are only here to collect pubic hair.

Snot

Darn! We only got one DNA sample!

And stay out, perverts! [spits]

Steve

[he tries to catch the spit in slow motion] D N A! [e screams as he falls to the floor as Snot checks on him if he is okay; downstairs, Steve is laying on the floor and he takes off his glasses blood starts flowing from his body]

Steve

What are you gonna name yours?

Snot

I want mine to have a sexy stripper name, like Honey.

Steve

I'm gonna name mine after my great grandmother: Glitter.

Snot

Naming your sex clone after your great grandmother. That's a nice way to honor her.

Snot

I'm with Beezus on this one, guys. Ramona went into her room. No permission! The sign said "do not enter".

Steve

"Do not enter the kingdom of Heaven"! Beezus is a Christ figure! Her name rhymes with Jesus! [points at a page in his book] It's right there!

Steve

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', Snot?

Snot

We visit him in juvenile hall every month until he gets out and then we all move in together?

Steve

No! We take karate at his dojo.

Snot

Which we can use to get Martin out of juvie, brilliant!

Steve

No, Snot. I kinda just thought we'd do this new thing. Forget Martin.

Snot

[gasps dramatically] Did I like Martin more than you did?!

Steve

Sensei Tom is teaching Snot to fight with anger, so I need help harnessing mine.

Roger

[chuckles] Sensei Tom. Did you know he lives in his dojo?

Steve

Well, you technically live in yours.

Roger

Lesson Two-- don't worry about where I live. You're not an angry boy, Steve, so there's nothing to harness, but that's okay, because people who fight with anger are sloppy. You're gonna fight with cold, calculating technique!

Roger

You're ready. Now make me four more.

Steve

But the tournament is in twenty minutes!

Roger

Don't worry about time. Let me worry about time.

Roger

Shit! Shit! Dammit! We're so fucking late!