Roger quotes from American Dad!

Stan

What makes you think you're going to survive?

Roger

My species is immune to all human ailments.

Stan

So explain that cold sore.

Roger

Mind your own business!

Roger

[after knocking out two girls with a frying pan] Did you see where they went?

Steve

Who?

Roger

The black guys who did this.

[spitting at the Lincoln Memorial] That's for freein' the slaves, ya Negro-lovin' Yankee Devil!

Roger

[gritting his teeth] And suddenly, things turned ugly.

Roger

Hey, Hayley, got a minute?

Hayley

Roger? You're alive? Or is this like an episode of the Twilight Zone where I talk to you from beyond the grave but only with terrible ironic results?

Roger

Oh, right, it's after 12:00, you're already high. Let me talk to the fish.

Klaus

Why so sensitive all of a sudden?

Roger

I'm going through my reproductive cycle. It's complicated. I'll draw you a diagram. Every six years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus. (milks his breasts)

Klaus

Ugh! Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. [sigh] I'm always in mein crapper.

Roger

You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?

Klaus

I'm German. It's what we do.

Roger

Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.

Roger

Mystery solved.

Stan

I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?

Francine

It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?

Stan

Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. [Roger places a human-folded napkin with a ball-like attached to its foot] What the hell is this?

Roger

Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans, I dunno why.

Steve

Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.

Roger

Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.

Hayley

[to Roger] I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.

Roger

That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. [pauses] Did I say thrill? I meant fear.

Roger

Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.

Hayley

Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?

Roger

No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

Roger

[after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?

Hayley

There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.

Roger

[Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?

Stan

What do you think happened?

Okay, beast with two backs. Now. (drops his trousers)

Roger

Oh, that's what all the fuss is about? Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.

Stan

Hey, son!

Steve

Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]

Stan

[after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?

Hayley

Steve! What are you doing?

Steve

[suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]

Roger

[in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

Stan

Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times: No smoking in the house!

Roger

And I told you it's menthol. So it's healthier than an apple.