Roger quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Are you drunk?

Roger

Working on it.

Roger

Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!

Steve

Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"

Roger

Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.

When you ran over your wife - twice - it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we, in the medical profession, call "a husk."

Roger

I've heard of that.

We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental prodecure your insurance won't cover.

Stan

That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it!

It's $178,000.

Stan

What if I don't need her to talk?

Roger

Stan might be an insensitive feelings-hurter, but he'd never cheat on you.

Francine

It's not Stan I'm worried about. It's the female "entertainment" I don't trust. Men throw a little cash out 'em, they'll do anything. Then sometimes when you're on the floor with another girl, guys'll throw money, then pick it up and throw the same singles out there again. Like I'm an idiot. Like I don't have peripheral vision!

Roger

You got a best buddy? Can I be your second buddy?

Stan

Let's see, how do I hang an air freshner on this? You are a total waste waste of space. I often dream of killing you.

Stan

Ah, Mountain Pine.

Stan

Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.

Roger

Wow, that's really, really boring.

Stan

I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.

Roger

Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.

Hayley

Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.

Roger

What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.

Hayley

You care about the Eskimos?

Roger

Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Roger

That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.

Water break, boss?

Roger

Oh, honey, don't call me "boss". That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me "Dad".

Water break, Dad?

Roger

No.

Hayley

[reading the inside covers] Porky's? Meatballs II? Enjoy your crap-fest.

Roger

Oh, go read The Bell Jar, you poser!

Whatcha doin' on my corner?

Roger

Hola, Taco king! ¿Cómo estás? [Taco King slaps away his pamphlets] Guess I should have used the formal usted...

[Angrily] You're cutting into my business!

Roger

Oh come on. I bet if you let me inside your hard shell, I'd find a lump of soft meat... [clears throat] Th-That came out wrong. [Taco King Starts beating him up] Ow! Ow! Ow! Please! Let's talk this out! Pl- [Taco King kicks him] OW! [He gets lifted up] Why does everyone hate the juice??? [Taco King throws him to a bunch of moving cars.]

Roger

You just earned yourself a week of detention!

Hayley

There's no detention in college.

Roger

Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!

Roger

Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.

Stan

But you just said I shouldn't--

Roger

That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.

Stan

Roger? Where did you learn to skate?

Roger

On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.

Roger

You can't do this to me! You can't leave me here. Everyone's looking. Everyone's looking!

Can you keep it down? No one's looking at you. We're trying to watch the skating here.

Roger

EVERYONE'S LOOKING!

Roger

[noticing the cookie is missing] What the... [sees Steve eating it] hey! That was my last cookie!

Steve

You snooze, you lose.

Roger

You snooze, you lose; huh? Eat up. [he stares at Steve] Eat... up.

Roger

I want a popcorn maker for my attic.

Stan

Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.

Steve

What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!

Roger

I don't understand, SJP is in the new Spielberg movie; it's gonna be huge!

Steve

What are you talking about?! SJP is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!

Roger

You mean it's... not Sarah Jessica Parker?

Steve

What?! No!

Roger

Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?

Steve

No!

Roger

Oh... Then what is all this?

Steve

This is the New York Stock Exchange!

Roger

Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe, like children of every color being at the same McDonald's.

Steve

But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver!

Roger

Ron Silver!

Roger

We're gonna make through this. We still have twenty bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into a millions in no time. [turns to the kiosk behind him] I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man.

Steve

Roger!

Roger

Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue; someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game.

Stan

Honey, it's been three weeks; maybe we should... start..planning Steve's funeral. [Francine get a reaction and throws plate onto floor in response]

Francine

I WANTED TO GO GET HIM! I WANTED TO BRING HIM INSIDE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET ME! OUR BABY'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Stan

[close to tears] Don't you think I know that?!