Roger quotes from American Dad!

Roger

I was supposed to be on that bus, but there was a lady with a chicken on there. What is this, like, Guatemala? What the hell? Leave your bird at home, lady.

Roger

These are the same hands that choked Lisa Bonet when she beat me out of the role of Denise Huxtable on A Different World. That was a lie. The role was created for her, but I did choke her.

Roger

[pops up dressed as Santa after Stan discovers that he once again didn't bring a gift to the Evil Santa Gift Exchange] Get it? This bozo's right back where he started! Merry Christmas, from our family to yours. (realizes): Wait a minute, was this our Christmas episode? What month is this?

Roger

News flash bong brain, I never pull out. Boom-shaka-lacka. Now let's watch this garbage.

Roger

Molt & bolt, baby.

Roger

Let’s call him Jeff. I’m starting to think Tristan is a gay lion’s name.

Roger

It had been days since Hayley watched MasterChef Junior with me. I told her I'd wait for her, but I didn't. I couldn't. Peyton made a souffle. Eight years old, making a souffle. Imagine that.

Roger

[Interpreting a bar patron's drink order as a pick up] Whoa, you got the wrong idea. I'm not some prostitute who's going to take you to the back room. I'm a freewheeling party boy who'll slob your knob right here. Just untuck your Tommy Bahama and give me a little privacy curtain.

Roger

Text bubbles are made out of flesh-eating bacteria. You didn't know that?

Roger

[leaving prison] Somebody stop me! I'm Mask now! Guys, guys. Don't speak all at once. You're making me sound crazy.

Roger

I blew the punchline. That's what it was. Still, the setup was rock solid.

Roger

In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.

Roger

So kids, if you want presents from Schmanta this year, don't put out milk and cookies, put out lox and bagels. And call your mother, she's very worried about you.

Roger

Welcome to Conspiracy Con! Will you be paying with untraceable bitcoin or... [the man holds a money jar up to him] A big jar of filthy change. Nice. Keepin' it O.G. [he hand the attendee a badge and sprays him with two different bottles] Now, here's your badge and two pumps of deer urine to repel Bigfoot-- and a little CK One, because now you smell like piss.

Roger

Oh, crap! The foil got lost inside me. Francine, if you're going to the store, pick me up some Plan B and a magnet!