Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Francine

It's potluck, so bring whatever you want.

Stan

But not smallpox. Ha, kidding. Kinda joking but not really!

Stan

Well, if you're ever taken hostage by, say, a neighbor, and you end up on Al Jazeera, just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this [blinks quickly as an example] and I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.

Steve

But then I'd be dead.

Stan

Oh, c'mon, sport, there are plenty of kids in heaven to play with. Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist....Well she must be at least sixteen by now. You could totally hit that!

Francine

I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?

Stan

It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorists!" and everyone ran away.

Stan

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin your party. And I'm, like, "You were there, baby. You had a front-row seat."

Francine

Let 'em go, Stan! It's been a fun ride, but it's over!

Stan

Oh, not this old bit. You point a gun at me, I pretend I'm gonna do what you say, then I pull out my gun, we do our little John Woo standoff, inevitably your arm gets tired [Francine's arm starts to shake], then you drop your gun and we have nobody-got-shot sex. [she drops the gun, groans in agitation and leaves the room] Wh-where are you--Francine! W-well, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?!

Stan

There is one person I would like to thank... [Francine stands up] Karl Rove! [wolf howls while Francine looks down in disappointment] Karl, come up here.

I'm good here. My work is done! [transforms into a swarm of bats and flies off]

Francine

[to Stan] You don't care about being deacon! You just wanna beat Chuck White. Why do you hate him so much?

Stan

Look at his life, Francine. He's got a bigger paycheck, a better wife, better kids...

Francine

Stan, that's incredibly hurtful!

Stan

I know! That's why I really wanna shove it in his face this time!

Roger

Last night I ate all your potato salad, and I tried to make more but there was no mayo, so instead I used... [to Francine] Well, pull my finger.

Roger

Mystery solved.

Stan

I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?

Steve

What am I gonna do?!

Hayley

Whatever you want. You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.

Stan

Not in this house he doesn't. We're conservatives! And the one way we don't like to kill things is that way!

Francine

We can bring chips and dip to the wake.

Stan

Chips and dip? Tell you what, Francine. Why don't you just take this broom here, [hands her a broom] I'll bend over and grab my ankles, [does so] you lube up the handle real good, and just sweep me out the door. Cos that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon if the best we can do is chips and dip!

Francine

I can make potato salad.

Stan

Potato salad? Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. [about to leave the room, then stops] That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.

Francine

It's just a CIA carnival. Why are we folding napkins?

Stan

Because they'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans. [Roger places a human-folded napkin with a ball-like attached to its foot] What the hell is this?

Roger

Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham. I can't do swans, I dunno why.

Hayley

I know it's crazy, but I like him. He challenges me, and besides, he has a really huge--

Stan

Penis! I mean, Hayley. Dammit! I was trying to cut you off before you said--

Hayley

I was going to say heart but, well, you shined his shoes.

Stan

I got the promotion, Francine!

Francine

Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.

Stan

And you're not the man I married!

Francine

That doesn't make any sense.

Stan

It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

Stan

It's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground!

Francine

Stan!

Stan

Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal. [Francine walks off. He takes out a lighter] Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world.

Stan

Steve!

Steve

Is this a bad time?

Stan

No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother. [starts doing so]

Steve

Dad! There you are!

Stan

Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

Steve

Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.