[the Tanners prepared a cage for ALF]
Well, I guess it's that time.
Thanks Brian. Now remember Willie, you are not, I repeat not to let me out of here under any circumstances. Is that clear?
Good. [he enters the cage] Good, now let me out. I have to use the little aliens room.
What are you doing!? Are you crazy? Didn't I say not to open this door under any circumstances?
Well I thought, I thought you really had to go.
You have a lunatic on your hands here. You got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical tricks.
You know, maybe I should go, just to be on the safe side.
Good. You're finally catching on. Now, now let me out I have to go.
[ALF howls]
That's just another one of his tricks.
Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out.
Ohh, there's a big rat in here.
[in Lynn's voice] Mom, Dad, get me out of here.
Lynn, that sounded just like you.
Excuse me but this is really weird. I can't watch.
[in Brian's voice] Wait for me. Wait for me.
Oh Brian, you better go to your room too. This could get out of hand.
[in Willie's voice] This could get out of hand! This could get out of hand!
It's going to be a long night.
[Brian gets up in the middle of the night while ALF is inside a cage]
Yo, B, Brian. Where are you going?
Oh yeah, that would sure hit the spot. Hey, come here.
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
Not talk to your old buddy? You don't have to be afraid. It's over. I'm back to my old self. Come on, let me out.
You said not until sunrise.
Brian, it's me. The old Alfer. The guy who taught you how to read minds. In fact, I know what you're thinking right now.
That you want to let your old pal out of this cage. Right?
No. I was thinking of a fork. [ALF imitates a clock buzzer] What's that?
Oh it's my alarm. It's sunrise. You can let me out now.
Not on Melmac. See that's the time we go by. So I made it. Open up.
I'm sure. I'm sure. Open up. I'm hungry.
Phew. Thanks. Oh hey, would you check in that cage. I left my hash brown bucket in there. [Brian enters the cage and he locks him inside and laughs]
ALF, why are you locking me in this cage.
Sorry kid, I need a head start. Save me some hash browns. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.
[Brian is locked inside the cage by ALF in the middle of the night]
[inside the cage] Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!
Oh boy, he does a good Brian.
You'd hardly know it was ALF.
[inside the cage] It's me, it's really me!
Honey, maybe it is Brian.
But that can't be. Brian's in bed.
Honey, honey, it looks just like Brian.
Maybe ALF can change his shape, too.
[inside the cage] No he can't. It's me.
Alright, alright. If you're really Brian what's your favorite food?
No, no, no, that is his favourite food.
I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.
Say, what's your favourite food?
I don't know. White boiled potatoes.
I thought you liked spaghetti.
Willie! Willie, I'm going to open this cage.
No wait. What's your mother's maiden name?
Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.
No, her other name. Her last name.
He told me the change was over. I'm really sorry.
Oh, honey, it's alright. But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?
I thought I wanted some milk. Maybe it was ALF was trying to call me in my mind.
No, I don't think so, Brian.
The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.
Oh, no. Lucky's over there. I'm going to go next door and see if ALF is there. You stay here in case he comes back.
Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.
Alright, alright, we'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?
LBLynn and Brian
Spaghetti. White boiled potatoes.
[as there is a knock on the door, Trevor goes downstairs to wake up Raquel]
Hey, Raquel! [Raquel snores] Raquel!
Oh, oh, was I snoring again?
I'm coming, I'm coming. Keep your shorts on.
Who could that be at this time of night?
It's probably the airport asking you to keep it down. Alright, alright, alright. Hey, Tanner.
[comes in Trevor and Raquel's house] Trevor. Hi Raquel.
I'm sorry to bother you this late at night but, I just came over. I was hoping I could get Lucky. I mean Lucky, our cat.
Oh. At this time of night?
Well, we were worried about him. It's his first night away from home.
Yeah, I had a feeling. Raquel, get the cat.
I can't go near that cat. You know it makes my feet swell.
Oh, yeah. Then you'll be wearing my shoes again. I'll get the cat. [walks away]
That's all right. Willie, can I get you something? I just bought one of those international coffees.
Something without caffeine?
No, no. No I don't need anything from the kitchen.
I can't find the little fella anywhere. [noises from the kitchen] Hey, what's going on in the kitchen? [he and Raquel head to the kitchen]
How long do you preheat these for a cat?
Give me that! [ALF laughs but he leaves as he gives the toaster oven to Willie who laughs at it]
This toaster oven. Is it a toaster, or is it an oven? [laughs]
Haven't you ever felt the need to just hold something?
I just found the strangest thing. An open can of minestrone in the kitchen.
Oh, that was probably the cat.
It's amazing, I know. We're trying to get him on Letterman.
That better not be my cologne.
Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Alright. Who needs him? There are a million cats out there! Give me your car keys.
ALF, we're going to go home, right now!
I'll buy you another one.
You got that right. [lawn mower starting] Raquel, that sounds like your riding mower.
Hey, where are you going with my toaster oven?
Or in the words of Dustan, "It ill-becomes us to jest at a fallen potentate and still less before he has fallen."
Say, how much longer are you going to do this?
Well, if I may quote Porky Pig, "G'b, g'b, g'b, g'b, that's all, folks!" And speaking of Porky (sniffs the air) do I smell bacon?
I thought you spent the whole night eating, eating cats.
I don't think I did. At least, I don't feel bloated. But now that you mention cats, I do remember storing something in the garage.
The garage? You, this way. [he and ALF head to the garage] If you've stolen any cats, they're going back immediately. Do you understand?
[ALF and Willie enter the garage but they discover that there is a tiger inside]
I'll take him back right after breakfast.
[Willie sees ALF is wearing a box on his head when he's sleeping and he beeps]
Well, I was sleeping till you woke me up.
Well, since when do you sleep standing up?
Since I started sleeping with that box on my head.
Well, not everyone sleeps like you. Mouth open, drooling on the pillow.
How do you know how I look when I sleep?
I go into your bedroom at night and watch you and Kate.
I don't like you doing that.
Well, hey, you were watching me.
I couldn't sleep. I came out to get a glass of milk. I heard you- [yells as he steps on a tack] Aahh!
ALF, there are tacks on the floor.
It's my alarm system. In case a burglar shows up. Getting one of your headaches, again? You know what's good for that? Jogging. I've been doing a lot of it lately.
I don't think jogging is the answer. You've been jogging?
Yeah. You can really see the definition in my thigh muscles.
You actually go outside, in the street where people can see you?
I jog at night and I wear a dark headband.
I'm going to go back to bed and drool. [yells and steps on another tack as he leaves]
[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]
Okay, since we're at the dinner table, let's just act we would at a dinner table, and we can start off by you Willie being ALF.
Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!
No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!
[burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!
I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know. Let's conjugate verbs!
No, how about, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]
Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!
Alright, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?
Sorry. Household rule #856, subsection D, paragraph 2: We do not eat the cat!
Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like, I like anarchy!
Well, I don't believe in anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!
That's it. This isn't helping. I quit.
ALF, there are no winners in this thing.
Well, I was ahead on points.
Well, I think I've heard enough. I mean, you guys obviously don't get along, okay? I think, ALF should move out.
Move out? What does he mean, move out?
Are you sayin' that ALF should get a place of his own?
Well, that-that's crazy. Do you know what rents are? What am I talking about?
You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.
ALF, you're not going anywhere.
Because people would find him out.
Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.
Uh-huh. You do care what happens to ALF.
Well, of course I care. I always did. I just think that sometimes, it seems that, that ALF doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.
Not care? Not care about the guy who's protected me and provided for me for all these months?
You appreciated all of that?
Of course, I appreciate it. Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk. I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea I'll lose it.
Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that. And, in return, I'll, really try to be...more flexible.
Hey, see what a little communication can do?
Well, I think we've all become a little closer here. We should toast this occasion.
Yeah, come on, dad, make a toast.
Communication. [he and the family toast their glasses, then he drinks water out of his glass] And to, dribble glasses.
[Willie comes in his and Kate's room and sees ALF watching the Ochmoneks' fight from the window]
Hey! Pull up a chair, Willie. You're missing a good one.
Watching the Ochmoneks' fight. Trevor's ahead on points.
ALF, you're not supposed to watch through their windows. Find something else to do.
Willie, there's a power blackout. There's no TV, no video games. I can't play blink the lights.
We're all suffering, ALF. Why don't you go out in the backyard and play?
You could fry a cat on the sidewalk.
Say, why are you wearing my T-shirt?
This is what people wear when they swelter. I saw it in Streetcar.
I don't like you taking my clothes and [takes his opera glasses away from ALF] I don't like you using my opera glasses to spy on the neighbors!
Boy, you get irritable when it's hot. Remind me to never take you to Mercury!
Deal. [goes in the bathroom]
Hey! Would you knock off the sax?
[ALF barges into Willie and Kate's room and wake them both up]
Call the police! Call the police! Call the police! Horrible! Horrible! Worse than Friday the 13th Part 2! Worse than Friday the 13th Part 3!
[finds ALF] ALF, what's going on?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about murder. I'm talking about mayhem. I'm talking about foul play.
ALF, get to the point or go back to sleep.
Alright. I just saw Mr. Ochmonek kill Mrs. Ochmonek.
I'm serious. I heard them fighting. Then I saw Mr. Ochmonek pick up an ice pick.
Maybe you misinterpreted things.
Oh, right. Maybe they were playing ice pick bingo.
ALF, you we're always doing. Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
Ha! The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
Look, it's hot tonight, you're tired. You're having a hard time distinguishing fantasy from reality.
So you're saying I'm crazy?
I'm saying your mind may have been playing tricks on you.
Fine, don't believe me. They didn't believe The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The Boy Who Cried Wolf lied.
He did? I've gotta stop speed-reading books.
[ALF wakes up and screams in the middle of the night when he pulls up the curtain to find Trevor scaring him]
Whoa. It was only a dream. I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam before I go to bed. [he screams again when he finds Trevor standing next to him until the Tanners come]
ALF! ALF, are you alright?
Hey, watch the shoulders! I've got bursitis.
ALF, what were you screaming about?
It was horrible. Trevor was after me.
I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.
Well, he was here a minute ago. Check behind the refrigerator.
Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.
That is exactly what happens to people who stare into other people's windows.
Isn't he wonderful? The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.
Would you like us to stay with you for a little while?
Come on, Brian. ALF, try to get some sleep.
I can't. I'm too wound up. I've been through a trauma.
Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed. Good night, ALF.
[voiceover] Good night, ALF.
[Kate and Lynn leave the kitchen]
Okay, don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Ignore that. Ignore that. Oh, heck, why must I be so darn curious? [he pulls up the blinds and finds Trevor digging a hole outside in the middle of the night] Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek, I knew her well.
[on the phone] Oh, hello. Is this Mr. Ochmonek I'm speaking to? Oh, jolly good. I'm doing a survey for the BBC and I wonder if you'd like to answer some questions. Super. First off, what would you say is the difference between American and British television? Uh-huh. [Kate goes up to him] Fine. And thank you, Mr. Ochmonek. Question number 2. Did you kill your wife?
Got to go, the queen just dropped by. [hangs up the phone]
You were harassing Trevor.
Kate, I saw the man bury his wife in the backyard last night.
Look, don't you remember? You were dreaming.
No, this WAS REAL. Look, I took these pictures.
You wanted me to use a flash? The guy's a murderer.
ALF, please, please, just give your imagination a rest.
What if I gave justice a cookie?
Justice will think about it. [walks off]
Alright, everyone. We just got a few minutes now before the last rehearsal. So Brian, why don't you and I run over the song before Spencer gets here?
I stink. Spencer says so.
What do you care what Spencer says?
Because he laughs at me and makes me forget the words. I don't like him. He's mean.
Brian, that's not really. That's not fair. I'm sure Spencer has some very fine qualities.
That's not what you said last night.
Well, maybe an unkind word slipped in here or there.
Willie, you said the kid was fungus.
I did not. And even if I did, that's not the point.
The point is moot. The little fungus is here now.
Yeah, I know. 86 the alien.
Let's go to my room. [walks away]
Forgotten. Why would anyone throw away the head?
So, what's the problem? It's that Spencer guy, isn't it? Well, let me tell you a little story about a guy who had the same problem you did. A guy named Gordon.
Someone I grew up with on Melmac. Nice kid. Handsome, intelligent, great athlete, wonderful sense of humor.
How'd you guess? Anyway, I was doing a little dinner-
Your name's really Gordon?
It's my mother's maiden name, alright?
Anyway, back on Melmac. I was in a little dinner theater production of Man of La Mancha. I was playing Sancho Panza. It was opening night. There was a full house. I was about to sing my 1st number, when suddenly I froze. I was like this, yeah!
Your name is really Gordon?
Just go with me on this, okay? I'm up there, I'm frozen, I can't remember my opening number. The audience was getting hostile. They were ready to start throwing bread sticks at me, when the guy who played Don Quixote pulled me aside, and gave me this good luck charm.
Yeah. His 124 year molar.
Did it bring you good luck?
You bet. I got through my song, plus The Impossible Dream and every other song in the show. For an encore, I even did a couple of numbers from Gypsy.
Yeah, but will it work on asparagus songs?
Don Quixote says the tooth works on vegetables too.
[the car honks]
Look, just stick that in your back pocket, and you'll go out there and knock them dead.
Great. I will! Thanks, Gordon.
Don't worry, kid. You'll be swell. [Brian leaves the house] Oh no! Brian!
Mom, since when do you bet on horses?
That's funny, I can't picture you at a racetrack.
I can picture her running! [laughs]
I wonder how long it would take to pull all the hair out of your body.
Mom, how come you never took me to a race track?
I never go to a race track. You meet an unsavory element there. I bet with a bookie.
Ah! They're not unsavory.
Forgive my ignorance, but what's a bookie?
Nick the Fish is not unsavory.
[comes out from the kitchen] Hi Dorothy.
Willie, did you know my mother bets on horses?
So, how much did you win grandma?
Say, that's even better than last week.
Well, that's fine mom, but I mean what if you had lost?
But it's all our inheritance.
For your information, I'm planning to leave all my money to the Alien Task Force.
Sure, punish your grandchildren.
Come on, mom, let's take this stuff in the kitchen and tag it.
I'll give you a hand with these old clothes.
Yeah, I've got flyers to make.
Well, I might as well make myself useful.
Hold on Dorothy! Can you make a lot of money with this horse-racing thing only?
No problem, put me in for 50 bucks.
Where did you get 50 bucks? Have you been going through my purse again?
Yes, but that's not where I got the money. By the way you're out of Tic Tacs.
Where did you get the 50 bucks?
Rebate coupons. Anyway, if you'll just slip 50 to Mr. Fisch.
No thanks, I just brushed.
His name is Nick Mintz. And I'm not gonna place any bets for you!
I'm not doing this for me!
No, you're raising money for charity.
Oh excellent comeback Dorothy. You must know, it's for a balloon payment. Which by the way has nothing to do with a balloon.
Well I don't care what it has to do with. I am still not gonna place any bets for you. And it was a dynamite comeback.
Once again, left to my own devices.
