ALF · Season 1
You think I can get 6 grand for this.
More like a quarter.
Well, it's a start.
ALF, it's your favorite things. Do you want to sell them for?
I want to do my part for the garage sale help the family out of their financial troubles by 5:00.
ALF, we don't have any financial troubles.
We do now.
What?
Nothing.
[Brian comes home from school, angry]
Hey, B, how was school today?
I failed my science project.
You should've added Alvin and Dave.
I did.
And you still failed?
That's why I failed. I added them because I believed you, but all my friends laughed at me.
They did?
My teacher won't let my project be in the science carnival. It's all your fault.
My fault?
You lied to me. There aren't really 11 planets, are there? [leaves]
Yes, there are. Brian, you're teacher's the one that needs an education. Now I'm mad. I'm mad, I'm mad. [dials the phone] Hello, information? Get me Brian's teacher. Oh, wait a minute. No, get me the Franklin Elementary School. Yes, I know it's cheaper to use a directory but I don't have any thumbs. Well, you should be sorry.
[Willie is fixing the TV at home]
Where is everybody?
They've gone to the movies.
Why didn't you go?
I'm fixing the TV.
Now?
Yes. I'm going out a little later, and it's dangerous to leave you alone with nothing to do.
Are you referring to that chemical spill?
Chemical spill? What chemical spill?
Nothing. Willie, how about a game of "Trivial Pursuit"? I promise not to pick any science questions.
No, thanks.
I think you should leave this for a qualified repairman.
Well Mr. Smarty.
It's Mr. Science.
For your information, I've located the problem: there's no power going into the high-voltage transformer.
Hey, you want power?
That would help.
Your call. [he accidentally electrocutes Willie after pressing the button on the TV] Willie, it was an accident.
[angrily after being electrocuted by ALF] AN ACCIDENT? AN ACCIDENT? YOU ALMOST KILLED ME? AND YOU SAY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?
Alright, let's call it a mistake! [doorbell rings] You want to get that, that's probably "Consumer Ed."
You called him "Consumer Ed" after I asked you not to?
You didn't say not too. You need to be more specific.
I hope it is "Consumer Ed", because I'm turning you in to him! Won't that be an interesting story for the 6:00 news!
Yeah, I think I left the oven on. [leaves to go to the kitchen]
[Willie goes to kitchen to find ALF wearing toy lips to his mouth]
What do you think?
[takes off ALF's lip toy off his mouth] I'll get right to the point. You told Brian to add those 2 planets to his model, didn't you?
No, I didn't. He did it on his own.
Didn't you?
Well, I admit I was indirectly involved.
[angrily] It was wrong of you to be involved at all!
But I took care of it. I called his teacher and set her straight.
So I heard now, that the principal is here and it's all because of your ridiculous stories of yours!
Ridiculous? You're gonna feel a little silly when I tell you this but I called the Mount Palomar Observatory today and they have no knowledge of the planet, Alvin.
How surprising.
They do, however, know of Dave, only they call him Chiron.
Object Kowal.
Willie? Willie, snap out of it.
No, ALF, ALF. In the late 70s, an object was spotted in space, originally called "Object Kowal." It was later named "Chiron." And astronomers thought that could be a 10th planet just somewhere just beyond Pluto.
Somewhere? I'll show you exactly where.
What's this? [opens up ALF's map] Rand McNally, Guide to the Stars.
I keep it in my glove compartment.
This, this is incredible. You have a guide to the galaxy.
Well, it's 3 years old. A few of the stars have exploded. Now, let's see, Dave. Dave, G6.
Mileage between cities, Melmac, San Francisco.
Oh, here it is. Dave. Right here.
Dave. And there's Alvin. What's that little one?
Alvin Heights.
You weren't making this up. I owe you an apology.
I'm waiting.
So is Mrs. Lyman. [opens the kitchen window] Oh, say, could I get you anything?
No, I'm fine.
Oh, wax lips.
I have 2 questions for you.
Yeah?
First, can I have my lips back? Thanks. And second, you gonna tell her the truth about the planets?
I don't think I can.
Why not? Show her the map.
Oh, good idea. And when she asks us where we got it, then where will we be?
Alright, alright, so you can't show her the map. But just because you don't have any proof, that ends it? I mean, what's with this planet? Here's a chance to open people's minds. Where are the freethinkers? The dreamers?
I don't know, but apparently, not in Brian's school. I'm afraid I'm just gonna have to go out there and tell her this has all been a big mistake.
In other words, you're gonna lie.
[Willie leaves the kitchen]
Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.
Oh, gross. What is that?
It's a slimeball.
ALF!
I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
No, we're not.
You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Alf, where did you get those?
Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
Oh
ALF.
What's the surprise in the centre?
I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
We'll pass.
Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
Oh, no!
Oh, they're not that stale.
No, look, it's a roach!
Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.
Where'd the roach go?
It ran under the bag.
Somebody step on it.
There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Would somebody just squash it!
Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
You're comparing me to a cockroach?
I'm going to get the spray.
Answer me!
But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
It will be just as interesting dead.
No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of donut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]
Never mind the box.
You mentioned something about a donut?
ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
Why? It's gone.
What?
Look, it's not there anymore.
Where did it go?
Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
I used half a can.
I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
I'm going to call a donut place that delivers.
Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Kate, calm down.
Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
Psst. Willie.
Yeah, alright, ALF, you can order the donuts.
I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
Why did you say, "psst"?
Just come out here.
What is all this secrecy about?
I didn't want to upset Kate.
What is it that would upset Kate?
I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]
Yo, Tanner. You in there?
ALF, under the counter.
It's crawling with spiders back there!
Go!
Well, can I at least take something to read? Steve Allen's World of Bugs. Great, I've already read it. [he ducks down behind the counter]
Hi Tanner.
Hi Trevor.
I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?
Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.
Ah, yeah, cockroaches. Blattella Germanica, our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over 300,000,000 years old.
That's nice, Trevor.
I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. Taking a step was like walking on crackers. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.
You, what?
Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.
Oh, no! [he rushes from the garage]
I said, no charge.
Alright, I should take it easy. I mean, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Whoever said that must have had a lot of bodyguards. [the cockroach makes some skittering sounds] Be strong, be strong. [two huge feelers pass the kitchen serving window] Be afraid, be very afraid. Listen, you don't want to eat me. I'm pure gristle. My whole family has an aftertaste. If you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way. [a crashing sound comes from the kitchen] Good idea, put some coffee on. [a feeler and leg appear through the kitchen door and ALF screams as he runs to Willie and Kate's room closing the door behind him] Oh, I should have guessed. It probably likes gristle. Now I feel like a tease. [ALF heads for the phone] Hello, operator? This is an emergency! Give me the fire department or the police or the paramedics. Somebody. I don't care, you decide. Hello? Fire department? Well, I need you to come out here. There's a giant cockroach trying to kill me! Alright then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree. Whatever it takes. [Willie and Kate's room door crashes down] Operator, make it the paramedics! [ALF screams and runs into the bathroom closing the door behind him] Whoever builds the doors on this planet ought to be horsewhipped. [the roach bashes on the door] Occupied! Alright, the party's over. I've got a .357 and I know how to use it. [ALF studies the toilet] No one's ever told me where these things lead. Nah! [a leg begins to break through the door] Oh, you want to use the bathroom. Is that it? Hey, hey, I know the feeling. [the roach crashes through the door and approaches ALF] You're angry at the world. I understand that. You probably didn't get enough love as a larva. Uh, I've got an idea. We could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric acid. You know, we could deal with it. What do you think about that? [ALF picks up a drain plunger in defence] Ever see one of these, huh? Take that! [the end of the plunger disappears] I was only kidding. Joke, joke. Yeah. You know what? I've got the number of a good psychiatrist friend of mine. He deals with psychopathic ants and roaches! [ALF picks up a perfume bottle] Here, take this! Now you'll smell good, too. [ALF sprays the roach]
[comes home with the groceries] ALF, ALF, are you okay?
Oh, hi, Willie. Did you get the donuts?
ALF, what did you do?
Nothing much. Watched a little TV. Killed a bug.
How did you kill it?
Cheap cologne.
That's perfume. I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.
You had roach problems then, too?
How did you know to use this?
Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients and based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches.
ALF.
I lucked out.
I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself. You could have been killed.
When it comes to defending my home, I'm an animal. That's just the way I'm made.
Well, I want to, uh, I want to drag this outside before Kate gets back.
No, don't rough it up. Once they dry out, they get brittle.
What difference does that make?
Are you kidding? I plan to have that guy stuffed and mounted, A.S.A.P. I thought it would look good over the fireplace.
We're getting rid of it! [the telephone rings] Hello? Oh, hi Kate, I was about to call you. I've got some good news about the roach and some bad news about your birthday present.
Willie, big news, the Alfer's won a contest.
Yeah, oh, let's see. You won a copy of Cat Lovers Monthly?
Yeah, kinda a let down, no recipes.
How did you win this?
I entered that publisher's sweepstakes thing. I licked all those magazine stamps, and stuck them on my entry.
You sent in all those stamps?
Well, all except redbook. It's still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
Just how many magazines did you win?
Check the front porch. [Willie opens the door] Oops.
ALF! You didn't win a contest, you subscribed to hundreds of magazines!
Oh, well, that explains this personal thank-you note from Ed McMahon.
Well here's your cappuccino.
Where's the grated cheese?
I'll get it.
[while seeing Willie and Kate come home with groceries] Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you. This time the old ALFers really want something.
What now? 11 records for a penny?
No, this time the ALFer's one stuff for everybody. Pony rides for Bryan. Tennis lessons for Lynn. Dinner and dancing for you two and best of all for the old ALFer a toaster. I guess you didn't hear me. A TOASTER!
We heard you.
Did I mention that the toaster talks.
Oh, ALF, this is just a real estate promotion a free toaster for listening to a sales pitch about to vacation homes.
You mean no pony rides.
There may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride to get to this place. I'm not driving 7 hours. Sorry, ALF.
Alfer.
Alfer.
[the doorbell rings]
They lied to a child?
[the Tanners arrive at their hotel room]
Willie, this place is really nice. I'm kind of surprised.
Me, too. The hotel is great. I keep looking for the catch.
[comes in the room] Hello, you must be the Tanners, I'm Bill Lowman, sales manager for Rancho Estates.
I was expecting you.
No, no, Mr. Tanner. You were expecting the hard sell. And there is no need to worry about that.
Good.
Because after you see this slideshow, you will be begging me to sell you a home. [opens the cabinet and plays the video on TV]
Would it be okay if we look at this later?
Uh, when later?
Much later.
Oh, absolutely. No problem. You know you folks should first enjoy some tennis some swimming and some fishing. And if you need me, I'll be following you in a golf cart. [he leaves]
You know, we expected a sales pitch. That's no reason why we still can't enjoy ourselves. [opens the door and gets shocked when he sees ALF] ALF!
Buenos dias!
[the Tanner family gets very shocked of seeing ALF being in the trip]
Let's clear this off. Are you or are you not happy to see me?
I'm happy, ALF.
Are those chocolates?
How did you get here?
I stood away, in Kate's suitcase.
Oh, no. Now, I'll have my hair all over your clothes.
Take it easy, your clothes are hair free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.
What am I suppose to wear here?
Well, I love what you've got on now. Perfect for every occasion.
ALF, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.
I trusted you to get my toaster but I don't see it anywhere let alone hear it but the fact is I felt neglected. I'm a member of this family too you know. I just wanted to be with the people I love. And get that toaster.
[knocking on the door] Hey Tanner, guess what! We have adjoining rooms! Open up!
Can't we shake this guy?
Brian, quick, you better hide ALF in the bedroom.
Alright, but don't start that slideshow without me.
Hey, Tanner, you didn't eat a thing. You still worried about your room?
No.
[ALF walks outside]
Willie, was that?
[ALF gets a fire extinguisher]
Yes, it was! [leaves the restaurant and stops ALF]
I warned him about that Mexican food.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
