[ALF and Brian are looking at a book about animals]
Bri, I'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.
[walks over to ALF and Brian] What are you guys looking at?
It's a book about animals of the world. ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.
But you told me never to play with my food!
Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.
Bugs him that I'm taller than he is now.
Well, power trips aside, there's no room in this house for another pet, just at the moment.
Precisely why I'm leaning towards a pet we could keep outside. I.E. you're basic barnyard horse. Here's the '89 Mustang.
We won't be getting a horse or any other barnyard. Type animal, for that matter, thank you.
Let's wait until after dinner, to broach the buffalo.
[arrives home with ALF's new pet] If you could, uh, dismount for a moment there's something I'd like to show you.
Alright. This saddle's giving me splinters anyway. Whoa, boy, whoa!
I decided it might be good for you to have a pet after all.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'll feed him oats every day. I'll even name him after you. White Beauty.
It's not a horse, but it's something I think you'll like just as much.
You're right, Willie. This is just like having a horse. You actually paid money for this?
You were robbed! An old soda bottle left outdoors gives you the same effect.
You're missing the point, ALF. Ants are fascinating. And with this, you get a chance to watch them work and play in a natural environment.
Willie, you call green windmills and plastic trees a natural environment?
Ants don't care about that. All they want is a place to tunnel and dirt they can call their own.
Well, they're your pets. You get to feed and care for them. And in return, they-they let you in to their private lives.
They live in a picture window! What kind of private lives can they have?
Would you rather I return them?
Could they be exchanged for something with fewer legs and a saddle?
[goes upstairs to the attic singing as Willie hides his ant farm behind his back] Hi, Lynne Helm. Will Helm.
Hi, ALF. I brought you a present, ALF.
Hey! An ant calendar. Thanks, Lynnie. The boys love reading about their distant cousins.
ALF, I think there's something you should know about your ants.
I know, I know. Ants can't read. It's just a little anthropomorphic game I like to play with them.
Actually, I was referring to something else.
Well, you remember you told me what happens to orbit gnats when they fly too close to your ship's heat shield?
Well, the same thing can happen to an ant when it's left in the sun too long. [gives ALF his ant farm]
You sure they're not sun-tanning? [he cries in shock after his ants passed away]
[worried] My poor little goombas. An hour ago, they were working at the farm.
[laughs and tickles as he wakes up] Kate, cut it out!
No! I'm not touching you.
[wakes up and finds ants on him] There are ants on me. There, there are ants in my pajamas.
[sees ants on the bed] There are ants everywhere.
Yes, yes. I can see that, dear. I'll just get the bug spray.
I'll help you. [he and Willie go out from their bedroom] Why are there so many ants in the house all of a sudden? [she and Willie find food in the kitchen that ALF left on the floor]
Perhaps these strategically placed dishes of food might give us a clue.
Just once I would like to walk into this kitchen and not find something all over the floor.
Just go into the other room, Kate. I'll spray in here.
Why don't we just burn the place down and start over?
That'd be plan B. Plan A is, where's the bug spray?
[mad] Why did you do this?
Do what? Throw away the bug spray? Or set up the teeny-weeny truck stops?
Eventually, you're going to have to explain both so start where you like and stop when I tell you.
I'm dedicating my life to the care and preservation of the ant species.
If you leave food all over the house, we are going to have ants everywhere!
It's the least I can do for them after I wiped out their kinfolk and everything.
ALF, inviting the remainder of the Earth's ant population into our house isn't gonna bring back your ant farm.
ALF, you've got to get over this.
I failed to protect my pet ants, Willie. I'm not gonna fail with the general ant public.
Trust me, ALF. Your ants stand a much better chance of survival outside of my kitchen.
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Nothing doing. This time he's mine.
No, wait, wait Kate. ALF might not feel as bad about losing his ants if he just had a chance to say goodbye to them formally like, you know, like a memorial service.
What a lovely idea. But I don't think it'll help.
Well, sure it will, ALF. Rituals are a very effective way of dealing with grief.
You'll have a funeral, we'll all come it'll be very touching! And it'll be over, right?
In the middle of a picnic.
[at the end, ALF is eating all the picnic leftovers]
[comes in] I see you found the picnic leftovers.
It's amazing! I almost got my appetite back.
Amazing. You ate all that chicken?
Yeah. I didn't even want the last 2 pieces. It was just the momentum.
Well, you seem to be back to your old self.
I guess I still have this dull ache inside.
You've been through a great deal of pain in the last 24 hours, ALF. It's just your body responding to that.
Nah, I think it's Kate's potato salad. I've had problems with it before! [belches loudly as the episode ends]
