“Running Scared” quotes from ALF

Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?

Yeah, going on three years now.

No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.

Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.

Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!

[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]

[off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!

[Willie opens the door.]

Morning.

Good morning. I'll take it.

Take what?

Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]

[reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?

Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.

No. I mean, we're not selling the house.

Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.

Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]

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[Willie comes out of the kitchen and sees the mess that ALF made in the living room]

You missed a spot.

ALF, I'd like to hear about it one more time.

Don't torture yourself, Willie.

Please.

Don't.

Just once more. Why'd you flood the house?

I wanted to make a skating rink.

And how are you planning to freeze the water?

By turning the air conditioner on high.

I'd like to hear about it one more time. Just one more, come on.

This is not a bergman movie, Willie. It's fairly cut and dried. Water, air conditioner, holiday on ice.

I'm going to go for a little while. I'm going to rent a pump for the basement. Just tell me one more time. Just one more-

Willie, go rent your pump.

Now, I'm going to rent A PUMP! [leaves the house]

What was all that about? [telephone rings and he answers it] Your 2 dimes.

ACAnonymous Caller

Gordon Shumway?

Speaking. Who's this?

ACAnonymous Caller

This is someone who knows you're an alien. And if you don't pay me $3,000 by Friday, I'm going to turn you in to the authorities.

Ah, the number you have reached is not in service. Please hang up and dial again.

ACAnonymous Caller

Don't get cute. I'll call you back tomorrow morning with more details, pinhead. [hangs up the phone]

Ah. Ok. Don't panic. Willie'll help you. He always helps you. I'm dog food.

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[ALF is in the attic using binoculars]

[comes in the attic] Hi, ALF.

Aah!

Sorry. I saw your light on.

You can't sleep? How do you expect me to sleep? In 24 hours, I'm going to be hamburger helper.

Would you stop the ground meat metaphors? Nobody's going to turn you in to the authorities.

You don't believe me either, do you, Lynn?

You know, if mom and dad really thought you were in danger, they'd do something about it. So why don't you just get some sleep, ok?

Ok. I'll see you in the morning.

Ok. Good night.

Night, Lynn. [the telephone rings as he answers it again] Hello?

ACAnonymous Caller

Gordon Shumway?

Yes.

ACAnonymous Caller

You got the money?

Um, I'm working on it. Who should I make the check out to?

ACAnonymous Caller

Nice try, pinhead. But you better come up with the cash or it's too bad about the Tanners.

What?

ACAnonymous Caller

They're gonna be in a lot of trouble for keeping you, but I guess a little jail time never hurt anyone. [laughs evilly and hangs up the phone]

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And so do I.

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[reading a note] Dear family, my imaginary blackmailer called again tonight and threatened to send you all to the imaginary slammer if I don't pay up. I would rather be turned into cream chip beef than to see you go to jail because of me. You're welcome. Anyway, I had to take, the car.

[reading a note] Tell Willie to calm down. I'll leave the car on Highway 71 just outside Edwards Air Force Base. Don't worry, nobody will want to steal it.

Brian

ALF's joining the air force?

That's where the Alien Task Force is.

He took the car.

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[arrives at the farm after running away from the Tanners] Hello? Anyone in here? I, uh I ran out of gas just down the road. Hello? Interesting aroma. Oh, hey, I don't suppose you have a key to the house. I need to use the phone. [the cow moos] Sorry. I guess I can relate to you. We're all prisoners in one way or another. But must it be so? I cannot change my own destiny, Maybe I could change yours. Go! Get along, little doggy. Yee-hah!

ALF!

Willie, how did you find me?

I saw the car parked down by the side of the road. I followed the empty candy wrappers here.

I was going to pick them up on my way back. They were to help me find the car.

What happened?

You neglected to fill the tank.

ALF, you don't have to turn yourself in.

I must. I must-

No, no, I know who's blackmailing you. And he doesn't think you're an alien, alien. He thinks that you're an illegal alien.

You mean I almost turned myself in because of semantics? [yelling] I ALMOST TURNED MYSELF IN BECAUSE OF SEMANTICS!

ALF, why did you- Why didn't you come to me before you did something this drastic?

I did come to you. If you'll recall, you didn't believe me.

Oh, I know. I'm sorry, pal.

Besides, he threatened to have you guys arrested. I thought I'd work through this myself.

ALF, what was the last thing you tried to do by yourself?

Build a skating rink in the living room. Egad! A pattern.

We'd better get out of here before somebody sees you.

Ok, but wait. We can't leave my friend.

Your friend?

Yeah. I named her after your wife.

Kate?

Bossy. Besides, you know what happens to them.

ALF, this is a milk cow. They don't slaughter milk cows.

They don't? You lying cow! Come on. Let's hit the trail, Willie Earp.

[sees a light flashing] Somebody's coming.

I'll hide in the kitchen. Where's the kitchen?

Just hide.

FFarmer

[turns on the light and meets Willie] Who are you?

I'm Willie Tanner. I'm from the city.

FFarmer

What're you doing here?

Oh, well, I-

FFarmer

I know what you're doing. You're a chicken thief!

Oh, no, no, no, you see-

FFarmer

I really hate thieves. They're always taking things that don't belong to them. You win.

Well, look here, My car ran out of gas down the road. I was just wondering if, maybe, i could get some from you?

FFarmer

Why didn't you say so? Sure. I can fill this up for you, I got a tank.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Say, how much would you want for that?

FFarmer

$20.

$20 for a gallon of gas?

FFarmer

The nearest gas station is a 4-hour walk. Kind of cold to be walking in jammies. Thank you. I'll go fill this up for you. [leaves the farm as ALF comes out]

He was nice. Why didn't you tip him?

Just get back to the car.

Ok. Race you back to town.

No. There's not going to be any racing. Kate's going to drive our car, I'm going to take Trevor's.