[comes in the kitchen with her school papers] Well, I think I finally figured out which courses I should register for.
Oh, did you choose a major?
I was thinking about art history.
WillieOh, honey. I-I mean it's admirable that you're interested in art but do you think that's really a practical thing to major in?
Willie
Well, we have a saying in college those who can do and those who can't major in art history.
I majored in art history.
Willie
You were the exception, dear. We never laughed at you.
I suppose that studying mankind's greatest artistic achievements wasn't nearly as interesting as drawing population pie charts like you social science majors.
Willie
I never drew a pie chart in my life. Oh, okay, okay, once I drew a pie chart and you know what? It wasn't bad.
And where's that pie chart today? I'll tell you where it's not. It's not in the Louvre.
Willie
Uh, that reminds me, hon, um, we're having a pool at the office. What year did Van Gogh die?
The year they asked him to draw a pie chart.
[telling his scary story to ALF and Brian] So the cab broke down in the seedy part of the lower east side, see. Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, a big cloud of steam blew up from the deserted subway station below, the one they had to close after a bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.
I think it was the wind. Unless it was a cab. [laughs]
Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring Brian.
It's just a story, ALF. What happened next, Jake?
Ok, ok. Out of the cloud of steam came the phantom of the subway. Dressed all in black, a hood covering his skull-like face. And instead of a hand, he had a gleaming hook.
Isn't it time to sneak across the crick to the girls camp? And blow out their citronella candles?
Now, where was I? The gleaming hook.
So the phantom hails the cab with his good hand. And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy!" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty. And slowly walks over.
[singing] Michael, row your boat ashore.
ALF, the story's just getting good.
Now, all the baptists. [singing] Hallelujah!
So the phantom reaches into the cab and snags the cabbie by the neck and drags him down into the subway with him! Until all you could hear was the phantom laughing. [laughs evilly again]
It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! [he runs away from Jake and Brian as Willie and Lynn feel very shocked] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
Willie
ALF is hailing a cab in the den. [he sees Jake running in the living room] Exactly when did I lose control?
[ALF is hiding under a blanket in the attic]
There's nobody here but us pillow shams.
[uncovers ALF] What's your problem?
Nothing. I was just afraid I'd catch my death of gleaming hook out there.
How's Brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us?
Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, when it's light out.
We're camping in your backyard. What do you think, psychopaths get a map of the Tanner house from the Triple AAA?
Do I look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.
Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.
If I promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside?
Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once Brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared. I mean, you could ruin his whole life. What girl's gonna wanna date a guy who won't go out after dark?
Then you help him. I can't.
I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there. Unless you count that herd of stray cats that prowls every night.
Big ones. Lots of them, too.
Well, maybe you're right. How scary can our backyard be?
I knew you'd come around.
I'm only doing this for Brian.
Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok?
Willie
Kate, I'm sorry I made fun of your major, so, I brought you this. It's the evolution of art from primitive cave drawings to the wizard of id.
Willie
You know, it occurred to me, no matter what our kids become, social workers, art historians, shipping magnates. They're gonna inherit ALF and be broke anyway.
Oh, Willie. This is lovely. I'm sorry if I overreacted.
Willie
We shouldn't argue over something so silly. As pie charts. Silly old pie charts.
Well, I finally picked my courses.
Willie
I trust you've made a good career choice. You're majoring in nothing.
I found out that with all Of the required subjects I have to take, I'm not gonna have time for any courses in my major until I'm a junior anyway, so I'll decide then.
Willie
Yeah, what, ALF?
Can you come out here and help me with my knots?
Willie
No, I'm busy, ALF. If you want help, come on in here.
Alright. [he comes in from the living room tied up]
Willie
Oh, come over here, I'll untie you.
I would, but I can't seem to drag the piano any farther. [he still gets stuck while Willie comes to untie him as the episode ends]
Look, there must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! 2 sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo. I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.
Willie
Perhaps with you around, he found it difficult to get a word in edgewise.
Hardy-har. For your information, Jake tells me everything. About how his father's in jail about how he flunked his last math test about how Trevor and Raquel like to sometimes dress up like Norwegian. [Willie and Kate stare at him] Never mind.
[the doorbell rings]
[from outside] Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!
Yoo-hoo. Tell her we're not home.
Willie
Bye, ALF.
Let her in. I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.
You can pretend that in the kitchen.
Fine. Which way is the kitchen? Hey, what do you want from a lamp?
Willie
Oh, hi, Raquel.
Willie
Hello, Raquel.
I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Elaine Ochmonek. She's Jake's mother. Elaine, this is Willie Tanner and his wife Kate. She's pregnant.
Willie
Gee, it's nice to meet you.
EElaine
Please, come in, come in. We are so fond of Jake. Oh, well, he talks about his-his friends the Tanners, all the time. Although, sometimes he does stop rather abruptly in the middle of a sentence.
Willie
Well, don't we all just- Don't we all just do that now and again?
EElaine
I really appreciate everything you've done for Jake. It's been hard on him being away from all his friends in New York.
Oh, he's become like one of the family. Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.
What a lovely idea. Say, here for dinner, tomorrow 7:30?
EElaine
Please, don't go to any trouble.
Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind. Do you, Kate?
Good. Besides, they owe us a dinner. Not that I'm the kind of a person who would bring that up.
7:30 tomorrow will be fine.
Willie
Nice to meet you.
EElaine
Nice meeting you.
Toodles! [she and Elaine leave the Tanners house and Kate closes the door]
[ALF stands from the kitchen and Willie takes the lamp head off of him]
AWALF and Willie
Fuzzy lamp.
[ALF is at the living room relaxing while the family prepares for a wedding]
Willie
Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.
Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.
You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.
On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.
You're not giving away my Tupperware.
Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.
Willie
I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.
Willie
No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.
Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.
Willie
No, these are black and white movies, ALF.
How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.
[opens the cabinet] I found him!
Willie
ALF, are you ok?
It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!
Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.
Willie
Your eyes are closed.
Willie
Here, let me help you.
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?
Willie
Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--
Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.
You remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?
Willie
Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.
Look, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!
Hi, ALF, what you watching?
I'm not watching, I'm studying.
The petrie method of childbirth.
[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.
[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]
Brian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?
Obviously, not long enough.
Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.
You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.
Sure, mom, whatever you say.
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.
Of course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?
Willie
[comes home from work] I'm home.
I hate when he does that.
Willie
Something I should know about?
Only if you write for The Alan Brady Show.
Willie
Nothing I should know about.
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.
Willie
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.
Don't you mean, Push, push?
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.
[ALF goes to Willie and Kate's room in the middle of the night]
Honey, it's time. Honey, it's time. [yells at Kate and Willie which causes them to wake up] HONEY, IT'S TIME!
Willie
What? Whoops!
19 seconds there, Wilmington. The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital by the time you wake up.
ALF, what are you doing here?
Labor drill. And it's a darn good thing.
Willie
No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing.
ALF, you've got to stop all this. The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready. If you really, really wanna help me just, please, relax.
Relax, she says. Anyone would think she was the one having this baby.
[yelling at ALF] I am the one having this baby!
Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm. All this animosity can't be good for the Tannerlet.
Willie, I'm a tired pregnant woman, Willie!
Willie
I know. I know, dear.
You left out fat and cranky.
Help me out of this bed, Willie.
Well, I know when I'm not wanted. [he walks away from Willie and Kate's bed]
[angrily] Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright. You just stay right, right there! [throws a pillow at ALF but she misses]
Keep this up, Kate, and you'll get no baby gift from me.
[wakes up] Must have dozed off. [he gets up and meets Eric] Holy stork invasion, Batman! How'd that get in here? Willie!
Willie
[comes inside the nursery] Oh, you're awake. You're finally awake. Are you alright?
I'm fine. But that thing in the crib looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y.
Willie
I know. ALF, I'd like you to meet my son Eric William Tanner. We just brought him home this morning.
Did I miss something here?
Willie
You sure did. Lynn tried and tried to wake you up when we left for the hospital but you, you were out like a light. You know, you've been asleep for almost 2 days?
You mean, I slept through the whole thing?
Willie
I'm afraid so.
Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up?
Willie
It seemed impractical.
I can't believe it. Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all. I'm such a mokes.
Willie
It's not that you weren't needed, ALF. It's just that when a woman starts to actually have a baby you're not, needed. You understand?
Yeah. I guess so. What are you thinking about, Willie?
Willie
Oh. I was just remembering the first day we brought Lynn home from the hospital. And then Brian, and now this little guy.
I've never seen you this happy. I've never seen anybody this happy.
Willie
Well, of course I'm happy, ALF. We've helped to create a brand-new life here. I think maybe that's the most important thing a person ever gets to do.
Guess I'll never know, will I?
Willie
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. In all the excitement, I didn't think about that.
On Melmac, I never thought much about having kids. You know how it is when you're in your 220s. You think you have all the time in the world.
Willie
I can imagine.
But now, when I realize that it's never gonna be possible for me to be a father.
Willie
Don't say that.
LA's a lonely town when you're the only orange boy around.
Willie
You can't give up hope, ALF. If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope. In the meantime, we're gonna need your help bringing up Eric.
Willie
Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo and other sports involving the hurling of inappropriate objects?
Willie
No.
[comes in the nursery] Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh?
Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now?
Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him.
Willie
Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B.
[Brian leaves]
[while staring at Eric] Looks like you.
Willie
Thanks.
On the other hand, all white babies look like you.
Willie
Say hi to ALF, Eric.
Hey, Eric. How you doing, Eric? He smiled at me.
Willie
I'm sure he did.
[Eric is in his playpen crying and Willie tries to hush him]
Willie
Aw! Shh. Eric, don't. Don't. Don't cry. Daddy's here. Look at this face. Look at this funny face.
[comes up to Willie] A Roseanne Barr impression's only gonna anger him more.
Willie
I'm not impersonating Roseanne Barr.
Willie
I'm not impersonating anyone. I'm trying to get Eric to stop crying.
Have you tried leaving the room? Ha! Lighten up, Willie, huh? Borrow a sense of humor, man.
Willie
I'm not in the mood right now, okay?
You want me to get him to stop?
Willie
No, no. Sometimes babies need to cry. They just need to exercise their lungs.
Oh, why, that's fascinating. [Eric cries loudly but ALF yells at him] Quiet! [Eric laughs] It's all in the delivery. If you need me, I'll be in the fridge.
Hey, Kate. What's for dinner?
Your dinners highlight my day, Kate. But then again, I have no life.
Willie
Any luck?
You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?
I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss that I can't show any more houses until we get a babysitter.
Willie
Don't worry, we'll find somebody.
Willie
You think we're offering too little? Maybe we should be paying more than $6 an hour.
Hey, hold it! Flag on the play. You're paying these people? I'll do it.
Willie
Did you call all the college papers, and every college-
Perhaps you didn't hear me. Thus, I'll say it again. I'll baby-sit.
No, I don't think so, ALF. It's nothing personal, it's just- Well, I guess it is personal.
Willie
Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
What do you mean your fridge?
Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
Willie
When the babysitter's here, you're gonna have to be in the attic.
Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
Willie
We're all making adjustments, ALF. You're not gonna be up there all that much.
ALF, cut the dramatics. I'm just gonna be working part time.
But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids. It's a gift that all Melmacians share. That and the ability to suck milk through our noses.
Willie
My, you are blessed, aren't you?
As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF, the answer's still no.
Why? Because you're irresponsible. You trash the house. You flooded the living room. You wallpapered the shower.
It was a rhetorical question.
[ALF is stuck in the chimney while he is finding Eric]
Eric! Eric, are you up here? Eric, this isn't funny anymore.
Willie
ALF!
Oh, hi, Willie. Whatever you do, don't go to the Chrysler Building in New York.
Willie
What are you doing in the chimney?
Well, it has nothing to do with Eric if that's what you're getting at. Willie! Willie! Can you get me out of here?
[at the end, ALF is sleeping in Eric's playpen with Eric]
Willie
Shh, Kate. Look at this.
Willie
You think the day will ever come that he'll be able to walk out of here unafraid? Won't have to hide anymore?
I hope so. It's what keeps me going. Come on, let's get your jammies on. Let's get your jammies on. Daddy's going to come, too. [she and Willie leave] Yeah. Yeah.
[yawns] Ah! Oh, sorry, Eric. I must've dozed off. Eric! Eric! Oh, no! Not again! What are the odds? Got to get that kid a beeper.
[comes out the kitchen with a tabloid] Hi.
Oh, hi, ALF. We're gonna go out to Brian's game and then out for pizza. You want us to bring you anything?
I'm too depressed to eat.
Willie
What's wrong?
Ah, they're fooling around with the universe. Read this travesty of journalism I foundin this week's Inquisitor.
Willie
[reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
Oh, ALF, when will you learn not to take anything in those tabloids seriously? And when I hide something in the bottom of the garbage. I expect it to stay there.
Alright, here. But I can't give you back the melon rinds. That ship has sailed.
[while using the computer] Congratulations. Your account shows you are up by $5000. Yes! Yes! Care to make another buy? Are you kidding? Does Willard Scott wear a toupee?
Willie
[comes in the garage] ALF.
Oh, hi, Willie. You're just in time to see me launch a hostile takeover. Whatever that is! [Willie turns off the computer] Hey, I was right in the middle of my game!
Willie
This is not a game, you've tapped into my stock-market service. You're investing my money!
I'm playing with real money? What a great game!
Willie
It's not a game!
You know, you can beat a point to death.
Willie
I'm not gonna let you put my house, my family my whole life into jeopardy! Now, tell me, just tell me. How much?
$5000. Ahead. We're players, Willie. Players! I knew you'd be happy.
Willie
But you could've lost everything, ALF. Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop!
But I finally found a way to make an honest living. Now, granted, you'd be taking all the risks. But that's the beauty of it! Come on, Willie. Cut me loose. Let me fly. Let my people go.
Willie
Okay, ALF. You can continue to play the market.
Alright. Way to hang, Willie boy!
Willie
But only on paper! That means no money. A pencil, a calculator, a visor if you want. Did I mention no money?
[Willie leaves the garage]
ALF · 397 quotes
