[Kate and Willie wake up as they hear ALF sing in the middle of the night]
ALF[voiceover] New York! Hey, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm announcing my retirement. Good night, and I love you. New York!
No. I was just thinking how Sinatra's voice has slipped over the years.
[while ALF is outside humming to "New York, New York", Kate and Willie wake up]
I don't suppose we were having the same dream.
I don't know. How were your seats?
ALF
[voiceover] Now just the women sing! [continues singing] Thank you! Thank you very much! It's good to be back. [continues singing until Willie, Kate, and Lynn come to stop him]
ALF
Liza! Sammy! Dino! Hey! Why don't we all tour together?
I thought I told you no more cotton.
ALF
I know what you're thinking. And you're worried about our supply. But this book here says there's this land called Alabama where cotton practically grows on trees.
ALF, it's almost 2:00 in the morning, okay?
ALF
Thanks. Last call. Here. [picks up a ripped pillow] Everybody rip off a piece and pass it around.
We're not eating any pillow.
ALF
Then how do you intend to stay awake for our drive to Alabama, huh?
Nobody's going to Alabama!
ALF
This is really gonna bum out the band.
We are all gonna go back to sleep. [angrily] You're gonna stop singing and send the band home.
ALF
Okay. But I never got treated like this at the golden nugget. [he continues singing]
[ALF ate another cotton he found on the table]
[after he saw ALF ate a cotton] I saw that. I saw you take that cotton.
ALF
Brian did it!
ALF
He's lying! J'accuse!
That's enough of that. I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.
ALF
[yelling] I don't have to take this! Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. Come on! Who wants a piece? [tired] Oh. [sings] Da da da da da, Da da da da da.
Admit it, ALF. You have a cotton problem.
We only want to help you.
ALF
Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! Who's with me? [Lynn, Willie, and Kate ignore him] I know what you're thinking. He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone! And there's no music! [leaves the kitchen but comes back in tired] Oh.. Just for the sake of argument suppose I do have a problem?
[the family discovers that ALF ate cotton from the lint screen in the clothes dryer]
ALF
[loudly] HALLELUJAH! THE MOTHER LODE!
Willie, he's got the lint screen.
ALF, give me the lint screen.
ALF
[loudly] Yeah? COME AND GET IT!
I think it's time we make that call.
[ALF hisses]
While you're at it, see if you can get me a stun gun.
ALF
Don't make me use this.
[Willie comes in the kitchen and confronts ALF for all the people he invited to the house]
ALF
Willie! Don't you know how to knock?
You were going to eat that dish towel, weren't you?
ALF
This? I was just smelling it. Hoping for a contact high. [smells the towel]
ALF, they want to know why I smoke.
ALF
Willie, you smoke?
I want to help you, ALF, I really, really do. But you have to want to get better, too. Now, seriously why do you think you need to eat cotton?
ALF
I don't know.
But surely you can't be happy like this.
ALF
You're right, I'm not! I'm a wreck! Willie, I've got a monkey on my back! It's a mean monkey and it's hassling all the tourists for money! Make him go!
HHoward
[voiceover] Willie?
ALF
Well, I hate for you to see me like this. Is my mascara running?
Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try to steer the conversation around to something that you can relate to. But this time, you have to listen. You understand?
ALF
Alright, alright. [Willie leaves the kitchen] Hey. Reformed smokers are the worst.
[goes to the kitchen to have a private conversation with ALF] What is it, ALF?
ALF
I don't know. Help me, Willie. I'm scared.
Don't be afraid, ALF. Look, you want to eat cotton. Now, why? What's the reason? Think.
ALF
Please, just one bite of your pants down by the cuff. I'm begging!
No, no, you don't want that.
ALF
I do!
ALF
For once I wish people would stop telling me what I want! How do you know what I want? I want- I wanna go outside. I wanna see someone who looks like me. I'm lonely, Willie. I want to go home!
I understand, ALF. I, I, I understand.
HHoward
[voiceover] Willie?
I, I gotta go talk to Howard.
ALF
No, don't leave me!
I.. Please. I won't. I-I won't leave you. I'll be there in a minute, Howard!
ALF
I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember one night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.
I had no idea. ALF, you always joke about Melmac. Well, it wasn't the most together planet.
ALF
But still. How'd you like to be the only member of your species?
Sometimes I feel like I am.
ALF
But you have a family, Willie. When you're, talking with little Eric talking that baby talk. You look so, so, so ridiculous. It makes me realize I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous with a little one of my own.
You can be ridiculous with our family anytime you want. And you are.
ALF
Ah, just not the same. There's a bond that you have that I never will.
[at the end, ALF is having a nightmare about the family singing and dancing to "New York, New York" Ray Conniff style with tuxedos, batons, top hats and tails, he yells as he wakes up from his nightmare]
[as he runs up to ALF] ALF, were you having that dream again?
ALF
Yeah. Being clean and sobor's gonna be a lot harder than I thought. Oh. [he tries to sing "New York, New York" again but he and Lynn feel tired as the episode ends]
[goes to the attic and reads a sign ALF wrote] Nice touch.
ALF
Subtle, but it makes a point.
I can understand your feelings, ALF. I can also understand your dilemma. What I can't understand is this note.
ALF
It's in English. What don't you understand?
[reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."
ALF
I love when you read to me.
You left this on the kitchen table hoping that Neal would see it and think it was from me, didn't you?
ALF
Let him draw his own conclusions. I didn't say it was from his brother. Clever, yes?
If my brother wants to visit here for a while he's welcome, ALF.
ALF
Fine. But if you were more forceful and less sympathetic to freeloaders perhaps he'd get the hint.
I'm ending this conversation now. But before I go, I'd like you to imagine what my being less sympathetic to freeloaders might mean to the fate of another member of this household.
ALF
He's right. Kate would have been history a long time ago.
ALF
[burps while having breakfast with Lynn and Brian] Yeah. You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more.
Yeah. It also adds to the ambience.
ALF
I know. [burps]
[as she sees Willie arriving at the kitchen] Good morning, dad.
Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. ALF, what are you doing down here?
ALF
Finishing oatmeal with clams.
Well, go back upstairs. Neal could come in here any minute.
ALF
I don't think so. He's gone.
Gone? What do you mean gone?
ALF
Relax, I don't mean dead.
I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window.
Kate, Neal drove off in his camper early this morning.
ALF
Well, I'll just mosey on off to the television area if no one minds.
[stops ALF] Hold it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write him another note.
ALF
I didn't write him another note. [pause] Uh, pay no attention to my ears.
I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
ALF
Obviously not clear enough.
What exactly did this note say, ALF?
ALF
Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
ALF
Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
[comes out of the kitchen while the family is having dinner] Huh. Well, here's an expression I'm not often called on to use. ALF, your dinner's getting cold.
ALF
[comes to the dining room, singing] Uncle Neal has gone away, Doo-da doo-da, I can eat out here today, All doo-day long, Everybody! Gonna eat all day-
[interrupts ALF's song] ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.
ALF
Okay. Then you wanna hear how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?
I'm gonna miss him. It was fun having Uncle Neal around.
Hmm. Well, he's just down the street. You can go visit him. I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.
ALF
Hey, he had a bad marriage. Who hasn't, right, Willie?
What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?
ALF
Much too close to this house.
It's nice. It's small but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.
I thought the camper was neat. It had a toilet right in the shower.
ALF
So do we. Oh, what? Like you've never done it?
[goes upstairs to the attic] Hi, ALF.
ALF
Don't you believe in knocking?
ALF
Well, what if you caught me at an awkward moment?
Let's just be grateful that that hasn't happened.
ALF
So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?
Oh, I was just, uh. I was looking around for some other things that Neal might be able to use in his new apartment. Yeah.
ALF
No, don't take those!
ALF
Well, I was planning on using them. Someday. When I got married.
If the day ever comes that you get married. I promise you, I'll buy you a whole new set of saucepans. And I'll dance on them.
ALF
It could happen. Look at Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks. He could have anybody he wants. No, not that. You can't give him that.
Well, ALF, this is just an old fan.
ALF
It's not just any old fan. I use it to scrape my calluses.
ALF
Well, if you see anything else you like, by all means, take it.
Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.
[offscreen] Willie, you up there?
I mean, yeah. Under the bed.
ALF
Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]
[arrives at the attic] Morning, Willie. I thought I heard you up here.
Yeah, yeah. I was just looking for some more stuff for your new apartment.
What, are you taking in boarders now?
Oh, that bed is Brian's old bed. You know how attached kids can get to their old furniture. Especially after they wet it.
Well, it's nice to know you've stuck to the old values. Oh, hey, I could really use this, Willie. [picks up a tape recorder as hears ALF's hiccups but Willie takes the tape recorder away from him]
The speed's all off. You don't want that.
Oh, hey, it's your old Clairmont High yearbook.
Yeah. I know. Let's look at it later.
You know, that's where I first met Margaret. Future Farmers.
Boy, that gal could really take down a steer.
Funny what first attracts you to a woman. Let's, uh. Let's go look in the garage, eh?
Willie, you gotta stop sometime. I only have a 1-bedroom apartment. [he and Willie go downstairs with a box]
ALF
[gets up from under the bed] If he wasn't the brother of my meal ticket, I'd clean his clock!
ALF
[gets out of the kitchen and meets Neal] Sorry. [Kate feels shocked] You must be Neal. I'm Gordon Shumway. Did I kill him?
Oh, my God, you're for real.
ALF
Yeah, yeah, let's get past this. I'm an alien and you're not.
Wow. This is gonna take some time to sink in.
ALF
Well, while you're in a daze, let me show you where your brother keeps his band saw.
I'm being insulted by an alien from space.
ALF
Not without dinner and a show.
I have a million questions I wanna ask you.
ALF
I'm sure. Keep them to yourself, huh? Now, enough of this small talk. Let's get down to business. I understand you're quite the cook.
Do you eat like earthlings?
ALF
Do I eat like earthlings? Willie, tell him.
He eats. He doesn't chew.
I don't know what to say. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
ALF
Kate's right. Get a life.
ALF
Well, he may as well know. I mean, we're all family now.
[at the end, ALF and Neal are playing chess]
So in other words, what you're saying is, except for having 8 stomachs you're really not special in any way.
ALF
Oh, gee, thanks. Hey, are you gonna play, or are you gonna jabber on all night?
Well, I thought you said this pointy guy could only move diagonally.
ALF
Did I say that? Well, what I meant was it can only move diagonally, except when the move follows the taking of an odd number of the opponent's men from the board.
ALF
You sure you've never played this game before?
No, this is my first time.
ALF
Good. Let's play for money. Gin. You owe me 1500 bucks.
[Neal makes another moves one of the chess pieces as the episode ends]
[comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
ALF
So, what's the bad news?
That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
Well honey, what happened?
Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
ALF
[after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?
[the Tanners are outside the backyard having Lucky's funeral]
[praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
ALF
Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
ALF
Hey, they were his words!
Life is eternal and, love is immortal and death is but a horizon. [ALF blows his nose] What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold. Tragic. A tragic waste.
Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?
Honey. It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.
ALF
Whoa. What a load off.
Brian, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.
There's nothing I wanna say.
Come on, Bri. Let's go inside. [she and Brian leave]
ALF
[after Kate and Brian left] Funeral poopers!
Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?
ALF
Well, excuse me. But where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
Why don't you just, go inside with them.
ALF
Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.
Not a chance. I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.
ALF
Well, can I at least put something in there with him?
Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.
ALF
This was Lucky's favorite toy. He loved the sound the little metal bell made. It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world. [jiggles to Lucky's toy]
I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.
ALF
This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.
ALF · 397 quotes
