[ALF goes to Willie and Kate's room in the middle of the night]
ALFHoney, it's time. Honey, it's time. [yells at Kate and Willie which causes them to wake up] HONEY, IT'S TIME!
ALF
19 seconds there, Wilmington. The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital by the time you wake up.
ALF, what are you doing here?
ALF
Labor drill. And it's a darn good thing.
No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing.
ALF, you've got to stop all this. The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready. If you really, really wanna help me just, please, relax.
ALF
Relax, she says. Anyone would think she was the one having this baby.
[yelling at ALF] I am the one having this baby!
ALF
Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm. All this animosity can't be good for the Tannerlet.
Willie, I'm a tired pregnant woman, Willie!
ALF
You left out fat and cranky.
Help me out of this bed, Willie.
ALF
Well, I know when I'm not wanted. [he walks away from Willie and Kate's bed]
[angrily] Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright. You just stay right, right there! [throws a pillow at ALF but she misses]
ALF
Keep this up, Kate, and you'll get no baby gift from me.
ALF
[wakes up] Must have dozed off. [he gets up and meets Eric] Holy stork invasion, Batman! How'd that get in here? Willie!
[comes inside the nursery] Oh, you're awake. You're finally awake. Are you alright?
ALF
I'm fine. But that thing in the crib looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y.
I know. ALF, I'd like you to meet my son Eric William Tanner. We just brought him home this morning.
ALF
Did I miss something here?
You sure did. Lynn tried and tried to wake you up when we left for the hospital but you, you were out like a light. You know, you've been asleep for almost 2 days?
ALF
You mean, I slept through the whole thing?
ALF
Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up?
ALF
I can't believe it. Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all. I'm such a mokes.
It's not that you weren't needed, ALF. It's just that when a woman starts to actually have a baby you're not, needed. You understand?
ALF
Yeah. I guess so. What are you thinking about, Willie?
Oh. I was just remembering the first day we brought Lynn home from the hospital. And then Brian, and now this little guy.
ALF
I've never seen you this happy. I've never seen anybody this happy.
Well, of course I'm happy, ALF. We've helped to create a brand-new life here. I think maybe that's the most important thing a person ever gets to do.
ALF
Guess I'll never know, will I?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. In all the excitement, I didn't think about that.
ALF
On Melmac, I never thought much about having kids. You know how it is when you're in your 220s. You think you have all the time in the world.
ALF
But now, when I realize that it's never gonna be possible for me to be a father.
ALF
LA's a lonely town when you're the only orange boy around.
You can't give up hope, ALF. If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope. In the meantime, we're gonna need your help bringing up Eric.
ALF
You are?
Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo and other sports involving the hurling of inappropriate objects?
ALF
Like gerbil hockey?
[comes in the nursery] Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh?
ALF
Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now?
Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him.
Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B.
[Brian leaves]
ALF
[while staring at Eric] Looks like you.
ALF
On the other hand, all white babies look like you.
ALF
Hey, Eric. How you doing, Eric? He smiled at me.
[Eric is in his playpen crying and Willie tries to hush him]
Aw! Shh. Eric, don't. Don't. Don't cry. Daddy's here. Look at this face. Look at this funny face.
ALF
[comes up to Willie] A Roseanne Barr impression's only gonna anger him more.
I'm not impersonating Roseanne Barr.
ALF
Dom DeLuise.
I'm not impersonating anyone. I'm trying to get Eric to stop crying.
ALF
Have you tried leaving the room? Ha! Lighten up, Willie, huh? Borrow a sense of humor, man.
I'm not in the mood right now, okay?
ALF
You want me to get him to stop?
No, no. Sometimes babies need to cry. They just need to exercise their lungs.
ALF
Oh, why, that's fascinating. [Eric cries loudly but ALF yells at him] Quiet! [Eric laughs] It's all in the delivery. If you need me, I'll be in the fridge.
ALF
Hey, Kate. What's for dinner?
ALF
Your dinners highlight my day, Kate. But then again, I have no life.
ALF
You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?
I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss that I can't show any more houses until we get a babysitter.
ALF
Porkchops.
Don't worry, we'll find somebody.
ALF
Maybe a nice ham.
You think we're offering too little? Maybe we should be paying more than $6 an hour.
ALF
Hey, hold it! Flag on the play. You're paying these people? I'll do it.
Did you call all the college papers, and every college-
ALF
Perhaps you didn't hear me. Thus, I'll say it again. I'll baby-sit.
No, I don't think so, ALF. It's nothing personal, it's just- Well, I guess it is personal.
Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
ALF
Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
What do you mean your fridge?
ALF
Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
When the babysitter's here, you're gonna have to be in the attic.
ALF
Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
We're all making adjustments, ALF. You're not gonna be up there all that much.
ALF
Attica! Attica! Attica!
ALF, cut the dramatics. I'm just gonna be working part time.
ALF
But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids. It's a gift that all Melmacians share. That and the ability to suck milk through our noses.
My, you are blessed, aren't you?
As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF, the answer's still no.
ALF
But why? Why?
Why? Because you're irresponsible. You trash the house. You flooded the living room. You wallpapered the shower.
ALF
It was a rhetorical question.
[Kate is in the nursery holding Eric]
Okay. Aw, there you go. There you go. There you go.
ALF
[comes in] Aw, there's nothing more beautiful than the sight of a mother holding her freshly-swaddled babe to her bosom.
Leave my bosom out of this, ALF. You're not babysitting Eric.
No. No, I've, I've draped him over my shoulder, I've laid him across my lap, I've bounced him. Eric just doesn't want to burp.
ALF
Hey, mind if I show you a trick?
The last time you showed me a trick it took 3 weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
ALF
I told you not to lean in. Come on, now. At no time will the baby leave my hands.
Spot him, Lynn. [she hands Eric to ALF]
ALF
Hey, Eric, how you doing? Having a little gassy backup today? [Eric burps] Huzza, huzza. Who was that masked man? Next case.
[picks up Eric from ALF] Whoo-hoo! Broccoli.
ALF
So when do I start? By the way, Thursdays are bad for me. I do tai chi.
Granted, ALF, you give good burp but that doesn't qualify you to take care of an infant.
ALF
Kate, it can't be any different than taking care of my younger brother and sister. And they had 16 stomachs between them and one bathroom. Think about it.
[Lynn and Brian arrive home]
I can't believe you forgot your mitt.
They never play me anyway.
Here, catch. [throws the mitt to Brian] Better. I'm gonna go get Eric. [goes upstairs] ALF! ALF! Hm! I can't find ALF. He's probably somewhere out back. [picks up Eric from the crib] Hey, sweetie. [she arrives at the living room while Brian is angrily stepping on his mitt] Brian, tell ALF that mom called and asked me to get Eric. And you might want to take the price tag off the mitt. And hurry.
[angrily] YES, YOUR HEINIE.
[from outside] I heard that!
[yelling as he hears the car honking from outside] ALF! WE TOOK THE BABY! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!
ALF
Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!
[ALF is stuck in the chimney while he is finding Eric]
ALF
Eric! Eric, are you up here? Eric, this isn't funny anymore.
ALF
Oh, hi, Willie. Whatever you do, don't go to the Chrysler Building in New York.
What are you doing in the chimney?
ALF
Well, it has nothing to do with Eric if that's what you're getting at. Willie! Willie! Can you get me out of here?
[at the end, ALF is sleeping in Eric's playpen with Eric]
You think the day will ever come that he'll be able to walk out of here unafraid? Won't have to hide anymore?
I hope so. It's what keeps me going. Come on, let's get your jammies on. Let's get your jammies on. Daddy's going to come, too. [she and Willie leave] Yeah. Yeah.
ALF
[yawns] Ah! Oh, sorry, Eric. I must've dozed off. Eric! Eric! Oh, no! Not again! What are the odds? Got to get that kid a beeper.
ALF
[comes out the kitchen with a tabloid] Hi.
Oh, hi, ALF. We're gonna go out to Brian's game and then out for pizza. You want us to bring you anything?
ALF
I'm too depressed to eat.
ALF
Ah, they're fooling around with the universe. Read this travesty of journalism I foundin this week's Inquisitor.
[reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
ALF
Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
Oh, ALF, when will you learn not to take anything in those tabloids seriously? And when I hide something in the bottom of the garbage. I expect it to stay there.
ALF
Alright, here. But I can't give you back the melon rinds. That ship has sailed.
[goes to the backyard and finds ALF hiding inside the box] Too bad this isn't a pine box.
ALF
Could we discuss this after you've calmed down and I've had time to make travel arrangements?
How could you do this to Willie after all the things that he's done for you?
ALF
I knew you'd finger me. Hence the box. But you're wrong, Kate. I didn't turn him in. Friends?
You saw the show, you grilled Lynn and Brian, you jumped to conclusions, and SOMEBODY DID CALL THE FBI!
ALF
Well, sure, when you group them all together like that it sounds bad. But I was only trying to keep him from running away.
Willie is not a polygamist.
ALF
Oh, sure, Kate! But just in case he's gone forever, we still have his memories. And his house. And we can find a way to keep it if you agree to work nights.
I cannot talk to you now. I am too mad!
ALF
Is that 24-hour mad or dissect-the-alien mad?
If you wake up, you'll know. [she leaves the backyard]
ALF
[while using the computer] Congratulations. Your account shows you are up by $5000. Yes! Yes! Care to make another buy? Are you kidding? Does Willard Scott wear a toupee?
[comes in the garage] ALF.
ALF
Oh, hi, Willie. You're just in time to see me launch a hostile takeover. Whatever that is! [Willie turns off the computer] Hey, I was right in the middle of my game!
This is not a game, you've tapped into my stock-market service. You're investing my money!
ALF
I'm playing with real money? What a great game!
ALF
You know, you can beat a point to death.
I'm not gonna let you put my house, my family my whole life into jeopardy! Now, tell me, just tell me. How much?
ALF
$5000. Ahead. We're players, Willie. Players! I knew you'd be happy.
But you could've lost everything, ALF. Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop!
ALF
But I finally found a way to make an honest living. Now, granted, you'd be taking all the risks. But that's the beauty of it! Come on, Willie. Cut me loose. Let me fly. Let my people go.
Okay, ALF. You can continue to play the market.
ALF
Alright. Way to hang, Willie boy!
But only on paper! That means no money. A pencil, a calculator, a visor if you want. Did I mention no money?
ALF
In passing.
[Willie leaves the garage]
ALF
Did you get my breath mints?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I forgot.
ALF
Okay, but you're the one who has to live with it. [exhales]
I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.
[arrives at the kitchen while carrying Eric] Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs? The tips are missing from all of these and I can't help but feel you probably know something about this.
ALF
Moths. It was moths.
Is that the best you can come up with?
I've got 'em, dad. Here, ALF. At least we remembered your cotton balls.
What are you doing with all this cotton?
ALF
I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas.
You mean you're eating it?
ALF
Yeah, I also tried attic insulation but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive.
ALF
[looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton] Mmmm.
[ALF is siting in front of a TV that is turned off and laughing hysterically from all the cotton he ate while Willie and Kate go to the living room to check on him to see what he is doing]
ALF
Oh, yeah. Yeah, just a second, Kate. [he continues laughing]
ALF, are you aware that that television isn't on?
ALF. I wasn't watching TV.
Well, what are you laughing at, then?
ALF
Son of a gun, I don't remember. Was I laughing?
ALF
Hey! What say we get naked and do some chanting? Well, look at that. I'm halfway there! [laughs]
Say, ALF, uh, do you ever think that all this cotton you're eating could be affecting your moods?
ALF
Definitely.
Don't you think you should cut down?
ALF
Why? What have you got against cotton? Y'all Yankees? [laughs]
I think you should cut down, ALF! Uh, here, let me help. [ALF tries to grab the cotton box but Willie takes it away from him] ALF. ALF! Let me have this. I'll ration it out for you.
ALF
Alright, but now those Cheech and Chong movies are gonna lose some of their poignancy.
ALF · 397 quotes
