[laughs and tickles as he wakes up] Kate, cut it out!
No! I'm not touching you.
[wakes up and finds ants on him] There are ants on me. There, there are ants in my pajamas.
[sees ants on the bed] There are ants everywhere.
Yes, yes. I can see that, dear. I'll just get the bug spray.
I'll help you. [he and Willie go out from their bedroom] Why are there so many ants in the house all of a sudden? [she and Willie find food in the kitchen that ALF left on the floor]
Perhaps these strategically placed dishes of food might give us a clue.
Just once I would like to walk into this kitchen and not find something all over the floor.
Just go into the other room, Kate. I'll spray in here.
Why don't we just burn the place down and start over?
That'd be plan B. Plan A is, where's the bug spray?
ALFI threw it away!
[mad] Why did you do this?
ALF
Do what? Throw away the bug spray? Or set up the teeny-weeny truck stops?
Eventually, you're going to have to explain both so start where you like and stop when I tell you.
ALF
I'm dedicating my life to the care and preservation of the ant species.
If you leave food all over the house, we are going to have ants everywhere!
ALF
It's the least I can do for them after I wiped out their kinfolk and everything.
ALF, inviting the remainder of the Earth's ant population into our house isn't gonna bring back your ant farm.
ALF
But I'll feel better.
ALF, you've got to get over this.
ALF
I failed to protect my pet ants, Willie. I'm not gonna fail with the general ant public.
Trust me, ALF. Your ants stand a much better chance of survival outside of my kitchen.
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Nothing doing. This time he's mine.
No, wait, wait Kate. ALF might not feel as bad about losing his ants if he just had a chance to say goodbye to them formally like, you know, like a memorial service.
ALF
What a lovely idea. But I don't think it'll help.
Well, sure it will, ALF. Rituals are a very effective way of dealing with grief.
ALF
I'm just not up to it.
You'll have a funeral, we'll all come it'll be very touching! And it'll be over, right?
ALF
Right.
In the middle of a picnic.
[at the end, ALF is eating all the picnic leftovers]
[comes in] I see you found the picnic leftovers.
ALF
It's amazing! I almost got my appetite back.
Amazing. You ate all that chicken?
ALF
Yeah. I didn't even want the last 2 pieces. It was just the momentum.
Well, you seem to be back to your old self.
ALF
I guess I still have this dull ache inside.
You've been through a great deal of pain in the last 24 hours, ALF. It's just your body responding to that.
ALF
Nah, I think it's Kate's potato salad. I've had problems with it before! [belches loudly as the episode ends]
[ALF is in the kitchen tying knots]
ALF
What are you doing? Tying a slip knot, but I can't get it to not slip.
Say, that's not my good string, is it?
ALF
Willie, If you have good string. You've got to get out more.
Brian? It's 10 to 7:00. We're going to be late for the scout meeting.
ALF
Don't tell me, Willie. You made a few calls and got him into the national guard.
Must you make that joke every time you see Brian in his uniform?
ALF
Yes. Next question.
Well, I think you look great, B.
Seeing you in that uniform really takes me back.
ALF
You were a badger scout? I mean, you went outside and everything?
There has been more to my life than going to work, you know.
ALF
I know. You also take off your glasses and rub your nose a lot.
I was a badger scout for 4 years. I earned 11 badges, and I received an award in fire prevention, which has proven far more useful than I ever would have dreamed possible. Brian. Let's go.
These aren't very good knots, ALF.
ALF
Stop badgering me, you little badger.
Bye. Car keys. [as he leaves with the keys, the tablecloth comes off because ALF tied the keys to it]
ALF
Sheep shank.
[ALF is in Brian's room helping Brian pack]
ALF
Sleeping bag.
ALF
Poncho.
ALF
Mess kit.
It's in the closet. I'll get it.
ALF
Brian?
ALF
What's a mess kit?
It's got a knife and a fork and some pans. I got it.
ALF
Why don't you pack some important stuff, like tacoroni?
I don't care. Pack whatever you want.
ALF
I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.
ALF
How come you don't want to go camping?
ALF
No, but there's a first time for everything.
I'm scared to. It's going to be dark out there.
ALF
Oh, yeah. But there'll be lots of other kids around.
That's even worse. They'll think I'm a baby.
ALF
Well, just tell Willie, then. He'll take off his glasses, rub his nose, and tell you you don't have to go.
I know, but he loves camping. He'll be real disappointed if he finds out I don't want to go.
[comes in Brian's room] Where don't you want to go?
ALF
Camping with the badger scouts.
ALF
Tell him there's no reason to be scared.
ALF
So revoke my security clearance.
You know, I never went camping myself, but back in New York, I heard about this one scout troop. They camped in Central Park and were never heard from again. [laughs at Brian]
ALF
Why don't we camp out in the backyard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, just boring.
ALF
We'll stay up as late as we want, go to bed without brushing our teeth, eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by products.
ALF
Come on, B. Live a little. You can come too, Jake.
Might be fun. Sleeping outside.
ALF
Breathing clean, fresh air.
ALF
Being right under Lynn's window?
What do you want I should bring?
[Jake arrives as Brian is sitting down in the tent]
Well, it's not too scary yet.
Wait until it gets dark and the moon moves behind a cloud. And the fog rolls in. [laughs evilly]
I'm going back in the house. [he leaves but Jake stops him]
Wait. Relax. Relax. There's nothing there in the dark. That's not there in the light. Except bats. [ALF comes in grunting with his stuff] What do you have in here, ALF?
ALF
Just a few carry-on items. They'll fit in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of me.
I thought we agreed to only bring along the basics.
ALF
I did.
ALF
Hey, you got a search warrant?
[opens ALF's bag and looks at the stuff that ALF bought] Meatballs? The Great Outdoors? Ernest Goes to Camp?
ALF
It's the wilderness trilogy.
What are we supposed to do with these?
ALF
You didn't bring the VCR? Hey! Those are rentals.
What else have you got in here? Nothing.
ALF
Frappes.
No frappes. Cheez whiz? Meat whiz? Fish whiz?
ALF
Hey, we need something from each of the major whiz groups.
Come on, Brian. Help me pack this junk up.
ALF
Traitor.
He's right, ALF. We have to go by the badger handbook.
ALF
No cheez whiz? No frappes? No VCR? What's the point of going camping?
That is the point of going camping!
ALF
I thought that was the point of going to prison.
Look, ALF, this was your idea. Now, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it right, ok?
ALF
Alright.
[the phone rings]
ALF
Nothing.
[answers the phone] Hello? No, cancel the pizza.
ALF
We're going to die.
[telling his scary story to ALF and Brian] So the cab broke down in the seedy part of the lower east side, see. Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, a big cloud of steam blew up from the deserted subway station below, the one they had to close after a bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.
ALF
Ahh! What's that?
I think it was the wind. Unless it was a cab. [laughs]
ALF
Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring Brian.
It's just a story, ALF. What happened next, Jake?
Ok, ok. Out of the cloud of steam came the phantom of the subway. Dressed all in black, a hood covering his skull-like face. And instead of a hand, he had a gleaming hook.
ALF
Isn't it time to sneak across the crick to the girls camp? And blow out their citronella candles?
Now, where was I? The gleaming hook.
ALF
Sheesh!
So the phantom hails the cab with his good hand. And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy!" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty. And slowly walks over.
ALF
[singing] Michael, row your boat ashore.
ALF, the story's just getting good.
ALF
Now, all the baptists. [singing] Hallelujah!
So the phantom reaches into the cab and snags the cabbie by the neck and drags him down into the subway with him! Until all you could hear was the phantom laughing. [laughs evilly again]
ALF
It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! [he runs away from Jake and Brian as Willie and Lynn feel very shocked] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
ALF is hailing a cab in the den. [he sees Jake running in the living room] Exactly when did I lose control?
[ALF is hiding under a blanket in the attic]
ALF
There's nobody here but us pillow shams.
[uncovers ALF] What's your problem?
ALF
Nothing. I was just afraid I'd catch my death of gleaming hook out there.
How's Brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us?
ALF
Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, when it's light out.
We're camping in your backyard. What do you think, psychopaths get a map of the Tanner house from the Triple AAA?
ALF
Do I look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.
ALF
Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.
If I promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside?
ALF
No way.
Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once Brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared. I mean, you could ruin his whole life. What girl's gonna wanna date a guy who won't go out after dark?
ALF
Then you help him. I can't.
I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there. Unless you count that herd of stray cats that prowls every night.
ALF
Cats?
Big ones. Lots of them, too.
ALF
Well, maybe you're right. How scary can our backyard be?
I knew you'd come around.
ALF
I'm only doing this for Brian.
ALF
Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok?
[ALF and Jake arrive back at their tent]
ALF
Oh, and no more scary stories, Jake.
Well, just one more. The headless stockbroker.
ALF
Forget it.
ALF
Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked!
ALF
Hey, he is in here. He's sleeping.
So much for being afraid of the dark.
ALF
Well, my work here is done. See you at brunch.
Wait! What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees you deserted him?
ALF
Cover for me.
Come on, ALF. Brian's counting on you.
ALF
I hate being a role model! Here, sluggy. Here I come. Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy. I'll be in my sleeping bag. Good sluggy. Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?
Nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness!
ALF
Well, at least zip me up! [Jake zips up his sleeping bag] Hey, hey, watch the fur!
It's for your own protection. We don't want any slugs getting in, do we?
ALF
Zip it up over my head.
ALF
Good night, John boy.
It's right after the stock market crashed. There was this headless stockbroker! [laughs]
ALF
You know, Jake? There are places you can go for that.
[when the cat is meowing, ALF tries to escape but he is stuck in his zipped sleeping bag]
ALF
This is the worst night of my life! [tries to get up but falls asleep]
Kate, I'm sorry I made fun of your major, so, I brought you this. It's the evolution of art from primitive cave drawings to the wizard of id.
You know, it occurred to me, no matter what our kids become, social workers, art historians, shipping magnates. They're gonna inherit ALF and be broke anyway.
Oh, Willie. This is lovely. I'm sorry if I overreacted.
We shouldn't argue over something so silly. As pie charts. Silly old pie charts.
Well, I finally picked my courses.
I trust you've made a good career choice. You're majoring in nothing.
I found out that with all Of the required subjects I have to take, I'm not gonna have time for any courses in my major until I'm a junior anyway, so I'll decide then.
ALF
[voiceover] Oh, Willie!
ALF
Can you come out here and help me with my knots?
No, I'm busy, ALF. If you want help, come on in here.
ALF
Alright. [he comes in from the living room tied up]
Oh, come over here, I'll untie you.
ALF
I would, but I can't seem to drag the piano any farther. [he still gets stuck while Willie comes to untie him as the episode ends]
ALF
Look, there must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! 2 sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo. I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.
Perhaps with you around, he found it difficult to get a word in edgewise.
ALF
Hardy-har. For your information, Jake tells me everything. About how his father's in jail about how he flunked his last math test about how Trevor and Raquel like to sometimes dress up like Norwegian. [Willie and Kate stare at him] Never mind.
[the doorbell rings]
[from outside] Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!
ALF
Yoo-hoo. Tell her we're not home.
ALF
Let her in. I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.
You can pretend that in the kitchen.
ALF
Fine. Which way is the kitchen? Hey, what do you want from a lamp?
I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Elaine Ochmonek. She's Jake's mother. Elaine, this is Willie Tanner and his wife Kate. She's pregnant.
Gee, it's nice to meet you.
EElaine
Please, come in, come in. We are so fond of Jake. Oh, well, he talks about his-his friends the Tanners, all the time. Although, sometimes he does stop rather abruptly in the middle of a sentence.
Well, don't we all just- Don't we all just do that now and again?
EElaine
I really appreciate everything you've done for Jake. It's been hard on him being away from all his friends in New York.
Oh, he's become like one of the family. Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.
What a lovely idea. Say, here for dinner, tomorrow 7:30?
EElaine
Please, don't go to any trouble.
Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind. Do you, Kate?
Good. Besides, they owe us a dinner. Not that I'm the kind of a person who would bring that up.
7:30 tomorrow will be fine.
EElaine
Nice meeting you.
Toodles! [she and Elaine leave the Tanners house and Kate closes the door]
[ALF stands from the kitchen and Willie takes the lamp head off of him]
AWALF and Willie
Fuzzy lamp.
ALF
[from the window] Yo, Jake!
ALF, how long have you been out there?
ALF
Long enough. For but what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.
Yeah? Then how come I feel so crummy?
ALF
You ate Kate's cooking last night, remember? Anyway, I'm glad you're not going back to New York.
ALF
Well, that was really nice what you said to your mom. You know, there's nothing like the love between a mother and child. Except, maybe the love between two florists.
Give this back to Mrs. Tanner, would you? And, uh, tell her I'm, we're sorry.
ALF
So what happens to your mother now?
I guess she'll go back to her doctor.
ALF
Well, I hope he's an eye doctor. This is the ugliest pin I've ever seen! Looks like a blood clot. Ha. Blood clot! Ha! Oh, I kill me. [Jakes closes the bedroom curtain]
[ALF is at the living room relaxing while the family prepares for a wedding]
Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.
ALF
Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.
ALF
You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.
On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
ALF
Then why get married?
ALF
Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.
You're not giving away my Tupperware.
ALF
Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.
I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.
ALF
Oh, not Ishtar again.
No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.
ALF
Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.
No, these are black and white movies, ALF.
ALF
How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.
ALF
So I say, "Psst, you're eating footwear!" [laughs] I love that scene! Brilliant!
It was in a Charlie Chaplin movie.
ALF
So what, Jake hammer? Haven't you heard the old saying, "Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism"? Suddenly there's a knock at the door.
It's Jake Ochmonek, the next-door neighbor.
ALF
[imitates buzzer] Wrong!
[opens the cabinet] I found him!
It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!
ALF
Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.
ALF
Oh.
ALF
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.
ALF
You do?
ALF
I see.
ALF
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?
Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--
ALF
Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.
You remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?
Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.
Look, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.
ALF
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!
ALF
[singing] This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid, [the baby doll drops] and this is how we drop it.
ALF
Practicing for when the baby comes. How well do earth children bounce?
ALF
Then what do people mean when they say "Bouncing baby boy"?
It's an expression, not a suggestion. Here, this is how you do it. You put the diaper on like this and you fold it over like this and you fasten it here and here. Like this. See? Here, now you try it.
ALF
It's used now, yuck!
Hi, ALF, what you watching?
ALF
I'm not watching, I'm studying.
ALF
The petrie method of childbirth.
[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.
ALF
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.
ALF
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.
[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]
Brian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!
ALF
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?
ALF
Obviously, not long enough.
Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.
You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.
Sure, mom, whatever you say.
ALF
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.
ALF
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.
Of course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.
ALF
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?
[comes home from work] I'm home.
ALF
I hate when he does that.
Something I should know about?
Only if you write for The Alan Brady Show.
Nothing I should know about.
ALF
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.
ALF
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.
Don't you mean, Push, push?
ALF
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.
ALF · 397 quotes
