[telling his scary story to ALF and Brian] So the cab broke down in the seedy part of the lower east side, see. Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, a big cloud of steam blew up from the deserted subway station below, the one they had to close after a bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.
Ahh! What's that?
I think it was the wind. Unless it was a cab. [laughs]
Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring Brian.
It's just a story, ALF. What happened next, Jake?
Ok, ok. Out of the cloud of steam came the phantom of the subway. Dressed all in black, a hood covering his skull-like face. And instead of a hand, he had a gleaming hook.
Isn't it time to sneak across the crick to the girls camp? And blow out their citronella candles?
Now, where was I? The gleaming hook.
Sheesh!
So the phantom hails the cab with his good hand. And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy!" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty. And slowly walks over.
[singing] Michael, row your boat ashore.
ALF, the story's just getting good.
Now, all the baptists. [singing] Hallelujah!
So the phantom reaches into the cab and snags the cabbie by the neck and drags him down into the subway with him! Until all you could hear was the phantom laughing. [laughs evilly again]
It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! [he runs away from Jake and Brian as Willie and Lynn feel very shocked] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
ALF is hailing a cab in the den. [he sees Jake running in the living room] Exactly when did I lose control?
[ALF is hiding under a blanket in the attic]
Yo, ALF!
There's nobody here but us pillow shams.
[uncovers ALF] What's your problem?
Nothing. I was just afraid I'd catch my death of gleaming hook out there.
How's Brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us?
Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, when it's light out.
We're camping in your backyard. What do you think, psychopaths get a map of the Tanner house from the Triple AAA?
Do I look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.
You scared of slugs?
Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.
If I promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside?
No way.
Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once Brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared. I mean, you could ruin his whole life. What girl's gonna wanna date a guy who won't go out after dark?
Then you help him. I can't.
I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there. Unless you count that herd of stray cats that prowls every night.
Cats?
Big ones. Lots of them, too.
Well, maybe you're right. How scary can our backyard be?
I knew you'd come around.
I'm only doing this for Brian.
Yeah, I know.
Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok?
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