[ALF moves to Jake's room at Trevor and Raquel's house after he left the Tanners]
[goes to his room] No thanks, uncle Trevor. I'm not really hungry. I didn't know it was possible to stuff pork rinds. [he opens his closet and throw his cloth inside as ALF gets out of Jake's closet with his face covered with Jake's cloth]
ALFThanks.
ALF! ALF, what are you doing in here?
ALF
I've run away from garage.
What are you talking about?
ALF
Well, I can't run away from home, because I don't have a home anymore.
ALF
I'm allergic to babies. Kate's having one, she won't let me sell it. Ergo, I go.
You can't stay here, it's too risky. Come on, I'll take you back to the Tanners. [grabs ALF but he refuses to move] You're heavier than you look.
ALF
I have big bones. So, which side of the bed do you want?
ALF, you can't live in my room. What if aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor see you?
ALF
Good point. Let's get a place at the beach.
ALF, we can't be roommates. It just wouldn't work out.
ALF
We'll get along fine. I'll be the sloppy one.
ALF
[still hiding at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks' house as throws a cloth to the lamp] Now the room is starting to work for me.
[opens Jake's room] ALF? What are you doing?
ALF
All that I can with these pieces.
[worried] Come home with me this instant!
ALF
I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?
[comes in Jake's room] Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?
ALF
Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.
Why would you want to live here?
ALF
What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.
"B" word? What do you mean, the baby?
ALF
[sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.
[sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?
ALF
Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]
Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.
ALF
Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.
Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.
ALF
"Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?
It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.
ALF
Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.
Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.
ALF
Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.
You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.
ALF
On whose behalf are you speaking?
Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.
ALF
Yeah? And?
And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.
ALF
Her own unique way.
ALF
You mean that?
No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.
ALF
Well, well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-
ALF
But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.
[offscreen] Jake, are you in there?
ALF
No kidding, Willie.
[Willie covers him with a blanket]
[opens Jake's door and sees the mess from Jake's room] Hello, Willie.
Oh, I was looking for our cat.
Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [leaves]
ALF
[comes out] Let's go home and burp the baby.
No, the baby's not even born yet.
ALF
Then let's just go home and burp.
[at the end, ALF is sent back home in his room]
[reading "The Berenstain Bears' New Baby" book to ALF] "We will have a new baby soon who will need that little bed," said Papa Bear. "A new baby?" asked Small Bear. He hadn't noticed that Mama Bear had grown very round lately, "Although he had noticed it was harder and harder to sit on her lap."
ALF
Can I sit on your lap?
ALF
Fine.
[comes in] Mom, dad's looking for you. He can't find his dental floss.
ALF
Tell him to look in the toilet tank. [Kate and Lynn glare at him] Don't ask. [Kate leaves]
ALF, isn't this book a little young for you?
ALF
I know that. You know that. Apparently no one's told Kate.
ALF
Nah. Her maternal instinct's in overdrive. If she wants to think of me as her I can handle it.
That's very nice of you, ALF.
ALF
I know.
Here. [gives the book to ALF and she leaves as the episode ends]
ALF
I can't wait to see how this turns out.
[Willie comes out of the kitchen and sees the mess that ALF made in the living room]
ALF
You missed a spot.
ALF, I'd like to hear about it one more time.
ALF
Don't torture yourself, Willie.
ALF
Don't.
Just once more. Why'd you flood the house?
ALF
I wanted to make a skating rink.
And how are you planning to freeze the water?
ALF
By turning the air conditioner on high.
I'd like to hear about it one more time. Just one more, come on.
ALF
This is not a bergman movie, Willie. It's fairly cut and dried. Water, air conditioner, holiday on ice.
I'm going to go for a little while. I'm going to rent a pump for the basement. Just tell me one more time. Just one more-
ALF
Willie, go rent your pump.
Now, I'm going to rent A PUMP! [leaves the house]
ALF
What was all that about? [telephone rings and he answers it] Your 2 dimes.
ACAnonymous Caller
Gordon Shumway?
ALF
Speaking. Who's this?
ACAnonymous Caller
This is someone who knows you're an alien. And if you don't pay me $3,000 by Friday, I'm going to turn you in to the authorities.
ALF
Ah, the number you have reached is not in service. Please hang up and dial again.
ACAnonymous Caller
Don't get cute. I'll call you back tomorrow morning with more details, pinhead. [hangs up the phone]
ALF
Ah. Ok. Don't panic. Willie'll help you. He always helps you. I'm dog food.
[ALF is in the attic using binoculars]
[comes in the attic] Hi, ALF.
ALF
Aah!
Sorry. I saw your light on.
ALF
You can't sleep? How do you expect me to sleep? In 24 hours, I'm going to be hamburger helper.
Would you stop the ground meat metaphors? Nobody's going to turn you in to the authorities.
ALF
You don't believe me either, do you, Lynn?
You know, if mom and dad really thought you were in danger, they'd do something about it. So why don't you just get some sleep, ok?
ALF
Ok. I'll see you in the morning.
ALF
Night, Lynn. [the telephone rings as he answers it again] Hello?
ACAnonymous Caller
Gordon Shumway?
ALF
Yes.
ACAnonymous Caller
You got the money?
ALF
Um, I'm working on it. Who should I make the check out to?
ACAnonymous Caller
Nice try, pinhead. But you better come up with the cash or it's too bad about the Tanners.
ALF
What?
ACAnonymous Caller
They're gonna be in a lot of trouble for keeping you, but I guess a little jail time never hurt anyone. [laughs evilly and hangs up the phone]
ALF
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And so do I.
ALF
[arrives at the farm after running away from the Tanners] Hello? Anyone in here? I, uh I ran out of gas just down the road. Hello? Interesting aroma. Oh, hey, I don't suppose you have a key to the house. I need to use the phone. [the cow moos] Sorry. I guess I can relate to you. We're all prisoners in one way or another. But must it be so? I cannot change my own destiny, Maybe I could change yours. Go! Get along, little doggy. Yee-hah!
ALF
Willie, how did you find me?
I saw the car parked down by the side of the road. I followed the empty candy wrappers here.
ALF
I was going to pick them up on my way back. They were to help me find the car.
ALF
You neglected to fill the tank.
ALF, you don't have to turn yourself in.
ALF
I must. I must-
No, no, I know who's blackmailing you. And he doesn't think you're an alien, alien. He thinks that you're an illegal alien.
ALF
You mean I almost turned myself in because of semantics? [yelling] I ALMOST TURNED MYSELF IN BECAUSE OF SEMANTICS!
ALF, why did you- Why didn't you come to me before you did something this drastic?
ALF
I did come to you. If you'll recall, you didn't believe me.
Oh, I know. I'm sorry, pal.
ALF
Besides, he threatened to have you guys arrested. I thought I'd work through this myself.
ALF, what was the last thing you tried to do by yourself?
ALF
Build a skating rink in the living room. Egad! A pattern.
We'd better get out of here before somebody sees you.
ALF
Ok, but wait. We can't leave my friend.
ALF
Yeah. I named her after your wife.
ALF
Bossy. Besides, you know what happens to them.
ALF, this is a milk cow. They don't slaughter milk cows.
ALF
They don't? You lying cow! Come on. Let's hit the trail, Willie Earp.
[sees a light flashing] Somebody's coming.
ALF
I'll hide in the kitchen. Where's the kitchen?
FFarmer
[turns on the light and meets Willie] Who are you?
I'm Willie Tanner. I'm from the city.
FFarmer
What're you doing here?
FFarmer
I know what you're doing. You're a chicken thief!
FFarmer
I really hate thieves. They're always taking things that don't belong to them. You win.
Well, look here, My car ran out of gas down the road. I was just wondering if, maybe, i could get some from you?
FFarmer
Why didn't you say so? Sure. I can fill this up for you, I got a tank.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Say, how much would you want for that?
FFarmer
The nearest gas station is a 4-hour walk. Kind of cold to be walking in jammies. Thank you. I'll go fill this up for you. [leaves the farm as ALF comes out]
ALF
He was nice. Why didn't you tip him?
Just get back to the car.
ALF
Ok. Race you back to town.
No. There's not going to be any racing. Kate's going to drive our car, I'm going to take Trevor's.
ALF
Ok. Just a second. Bossy, it's been a pleasure. Take care of yourself and watch that cholesterol, huh?
ALF
Jake. Jake of diamonds. Jake K-L-M-N-O-P. [Jake rolls the dice] Are you still thinking about that girl?
Ever since I saw her star in that school play, I can't think of nothin' else.
ALF
What do they call this temptress?
ALF
And how does, Laura, feel about, Jake?
She doesn't know I'm alive!
ALF
No problem! You walk up to her and say: "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse."
[comes in the garage] Hi, ALF.
ALF
Willie, what's another word for beautiful?
ALF
What's another word for attractive?
ALF
What's another word for alluring?
ALF
What's another word for annoying?
ALF
That doesn't work. It doesn't rhyme with Oh, Baby.
What are you working on there?
ALF
This is a missive of love onnbehalf of young Jake Ochmonek.
ALF
Disgustingly so. But he thinks of himself as just another scrawny gawky, geeky kid. You remember the feeling, Willie.
You better, uh, you better be careful, ALF. You can get into trouble playing Cyrano.
ALF
Is that like Monopoly?
No, I'm talking about "Cyrano de Bergerac." It's a play. I-I've got a copy of it somewhere. It's-it's a classical French play about a man named Christian who falls in love with a beautiful woman but he is too embarrassed to talk to her.
ALF
That sounds like Jake.
WWiliie
Exactly. So he gets his friend Cyrano to-to write a letter to the girl for him because Cyrano is-is so gifted and sensitive.
ALF
That sounds like me.
Cyrano's a great romantic but he is ashamed to talk to women in person because he's got a very big, [pause] and they all lived happily ever after.
ALF
Whoa, whoa! Big-big-big, big what?
ALF
Huh?
ALF
What?
ALF
Well, why didn't you say so?
Well, I thought I, I mean, I, I thought I-
ALF
You thought I might be offended because this Cyrano guy had a jumbo hooter and I happen to take a husky in snout warmers?
ALF
No problem. I'm not that vain.
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I, I guess I misjudged you.
ALF
Thanks, four eyes.
[ALF is cooking his breakfast at the stove]
[walks in the kitchen] Morning.
ALF
Morning, Willie, Kate.
ALF
It's a surprise.
ALF
Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.
Hence the crackling noise.
ALF
Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.
[closes the pan] Go sit. [ALF walks away]
Mmm, what smells so good?
ALF
June bug scaloppini.
ALF, do you have something in the oven?
ALF
Brian's history book.
ALF
Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, Willie.
ALF
I didn't say you did. I did it. So I put it in the oven to dry.
[Willie takes Brain's history book from the oven]
ALF
Oh, no! No! I'm-I'm doomed!
ALF
For Melmackians, It's bad luck to destroy a history book.
You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?
ALF
Worse. Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess.
[Kate screams as the pan starts to get on fire]
ALF
June bug flamb?
[sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.
ALF
My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.
ALF
Ours was a polite society.
I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?
ALF
Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.
That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
ALF
Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.
How long is this curse thing supposed to last?
ALF
I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.
[Lynn comes in the kitchen]
Who was that at the door, sweetheart?
Dad, really. You make it sound like I'm 12 years old.
Oh, I'm sorry. What's the problem?
Just a little, difficulty with, a guy.
ALF
And you say you understand your daughter.
Danny can't go to the dance tomorrow night.
I was really looking forward to it.
Well, isn't there somebody else you can go with?
ALF
I think I might be free. I'll check my week at a glance.
It wouldn't be right to get another date. Danny and I are going steady. Kind of.
Well, did you exchange socks?
ALF
Trade bellybutton lint?
What exactly are you talking about?
ALF
The 3 stages of courtship on Melmac exchange left socks, trade bellybutton lint and spit in each other's soup. Well, you got to admit it's a bond.
When did you and Danny decide that you were going steady?
There wasn't one specific moment.
But he's not seeing any other girls?
He didn't say that exactly.
ALF
But he doesn't want you to date other guys?
I don't know. He probably doesn't.
ALF
So you have no promises, no lint, no spit. What do you have?
If you need me, I'll be in my room.
ALF
This problem would be solved if she would just hocktooey into Danny's chowder.
ALF
Know what's wrong with you, Willie? No sense of romance.
[confronts ALF] ALF, what have you done?
ALF
Nothing. It's Danny. You shouldn't date somebody so unreliable.
ALF
Just that he could make it back in time for the dance after all.
ALF
Don't worry. I told him not to bother 'cause you had another date. You're welcome.
It's not a real date, it's just Randy. Because we're friends and we were not going not together.
ALF
Don't panic. I not know what not to do.
ALF
Call Randy, you tell him you have amnesia. Better yet, tell him he has amnesia. He'll buy that. Alright, you tell him the truth. Your boyfriend's back and he's gonna be in trouble. Hey na, hey na, your boyfriend's back.
I was going to explain to Danny that I'm just going with Randy as a friend. Now, thanks to you he's gonna think that I'm seeing somebody else! There's Randy! But don't think this means you're off the hook!
ALF
[goes into the kitchen] Well, this is the last time I play Kelly Girl for you.
Good! [opens the door revealing it's Danny] Danny.
DDanny
You, uh, you mind if I come in?
[ALF and Brian are looking at a book about animals]
ALF
A platypus.
ALF
Bri, I'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.
[walks over to ALF and Brian] What are you guys looking at?
It's a book about animals of the world. ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.
ALF
But you told me never to play with my food!
ALF
Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.
Bugs him that I'm taller than he is now.
Well, power trips aside, there's no room in this house for another pet, just at the moment.
ALF
Precisely why I'm leaning towards a pet we could keep outside. I.E. you're basic barnyard horse. Here's the '89 Mustang.
We won't be getting a horse or any other barnyard. Type animal, for that matter, thank you.
ALF
Let's wait until after dinner, to broach the buffalo.
[arrives home with ALF's new pet] If you could, uh, dismount for a moment there's something I'd like to show you.
ALF
Alright. This saddle's giving me splinters anyway. Whoa, boy, whoa!
I decided it might be good for you to have a pet after all.
ALF
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'll feed him oats every day. I'll even name him after you. White Beauty.
It's not a horse, but it's something I think you'll like just as much.
ALF
You got me a pet beach?
ALF
Bugs under glass.
ALF
You're right, Willie. This is just like having a horse. You actually paid money for this?
ALF
You were robbed! An old soda bottle left outdoors gives you the same effect.
You're missing the point, ALF. Ants are fascinating. And with this, you get a chance to watch them work and play in a natural environment.
ALF
Willie, you call green windmills and plastic trees a natural environment?
Ants don't care about that. All they want is a place to tunnel and dirt they can call their own.
ALF
So where do I fit in?
Well, they're your pets. You get to feed and care for them. And in return, they-they let you in to their private lives.
ALF
They live in a picture window! What kind of private lives can they have?
Would you rather I return them?
ALF
Could they be exchanged for something with fewer legs and a saddle?
ALF
[goes upstairs to the attic singing as Willie hides his ant farm behind his back] Hi, Lynne Helm. Will Helm.
Hi, ALF. I brought you a present, ALF.
ALF
Hey! An ant calendar. Thanks, Lynnie. The boys love reading about their distant cousins.
ALF, I think there's something you should know about your ants.
ALF
I know, I know. Ants can't read. It's just a little anthropomorphic game I like to play with them.
Actually, I was referring to something else.
ALF
What?
Well, you remember you told me what happens to orbit gnats when they fly too close to your ship's heat shield?
ALF
Yeah. Crispy critters.
Well, the same thing can happen to an ant when it's left in the sun too long. [gives ALF his ant farm]
ALF
They look dead.
ALF
You sure they're not sun-tanning? [he cries in shock after his ants passed away]
ALF
[worried] My poor little goombas. An hour ago, they were working at the farm.
ALF · 397 quotes
