ALF quotes from ALF

Brian

No, no! Don't open that door!

ALF

Oh, no! She opened the door! Yike-Er-Oni.

Kate

What are you guys doing out here?

Brian

This is our drive-in theater.

ALF

Yeah, and you two snuck in. I'm calling the manager.

Willie

Do you mind if we join you? [he and Kate join ALF and Brian's drive-in in the car]

ALF

Ok, but don't hog the popcorn. And don't fog up the windows back there!

Willie

Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the 2nd Annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament. [everyone cheers] Ok. Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.

Lynn

Whoo!

ALF

Alright! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, Willie Tanner. Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums!

Kate

I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.

ALF

[blows whistle] That's it. Mouthing off.

Willie

You're out of here.

ALF

I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules. Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Melmac's biggest sport. Only there it was called muck sucking.

Kate

ALF!

ALF

Hey, I didn't name it. Is it played the same?

Lynn

Exactly.

ALF

Except you need and Bob Eubanks. Oh, oh. And the swing was slightly different. Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.

Willie

[gets knocked down after ALF hits him] Uhh!

Kate

Willie!

Willie

Ohh! [groaning]

ALF

Now you see why it was called muck sucking.

Kate

Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.

Lynn

Put him on the couch.

ALF

I'll have a look at him there.

Willie

Stay away from me!

ALF

I just want to help.

Willie

I just want to be a safe distance from you. If there is such a place. [he, Kate, and Lynn leave the backyard]

ALF

Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.

Brian

I don't want to play with you, ALF. You're too dangerous. [leaves]

ALF

Oh, what a day. First, I broke Willie's windshield, then I broke Willie's power saw. Now I broke Willie. Sometimes I think the Tanners would be better off without me. Sometimes I wish I'd never come here. [throws croquet stick up in the air] I wish, I wish, [the croquet stick hits himself knocking him unconscious] I wish I could figure out this thing called gravity. [falls down to the ground]

ALF

Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.

Brian

Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?

Willie

Certainly, son.

Brian

Thank you.

ALF

Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?

Kate

Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.

Lynn

Oh, I, for one, certainly will.

ALF

Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?

Willie

What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.

Brian

We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.

ALF

Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.

They can't seem to hear you, ALF.

ALF

[screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!

They can't see me, either.

ALF

Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.

Believe me now.

ALF

No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?

My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.

ALF

Right, I'm the Easter alien.

Well, I don't have all day. Are you ready?

ALF

Ready for what?

To start your new life. I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.

ALF

You got me a date with Sheena Easton?

Do you recall these words, "I wish that i had a different life"?

ALF

I never said that.

Alright, I'm paraphrasing. If you must know your exact words. [reading a note] Sometimes I wish that I'd never come here. I wish, I wish-" Bonk. Y-Bonk? Oh, yes. That's when the mallet hit you. Now, do you remember saying that?

ALF

I say so many things. I'm a scorpio you know.

Well, your wish has been granted. History has been revised, and your life with the Tanners never happened. Well, we better be going.

ALF

Yeah. Ok, fine. Just give me a minute to say good-bye. Alright, I give up. You made your point. Tell the guy from Ghost-O-Gram over there to go home.

It's no use, ALF. They can't see you. If you don't believe me, look in the mirror. [he and ALF look at the Tanners eating dinner in the mirror]

ALF

Strange. I thought I broke that mirror.

Look again.

ALF

It is broken! I don't see our reflections! Eek! We're vampires!

No, we're not vampires. We don't cast reflections because we don't exist in this place.

ALF

Well, if I don't exist, these poor people must be miserable.

Willie

You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.

Kate

I agree. We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.

ALF

You made them say that.

No, I didn't.

ALF

Yes, you did.

Did not.

ALF

Did to.

Nuh-Uh.

ALF

Uh-Huh.

Lynn

Oh, by the way, thanks again for the maserati.

Kate

Our pleasure.

Lynn

Is it ok if I give Julie my porsche?

Willie

Sure, honey.

Lynn

Thanks. It's her birthday and I forgot to get her a card.

ALF

Ok, so they've got a little more money.

ALF

Where are we?

Cosmique cosmetics.

ALF

Oh, good. I'm almost out of henna rinse

This is where you work.

ALF

Work? You mean in my new life I have a job?

Yes.

ALF

But I'm a domestic alien. See, I belong at home guarding the refrigerator, monitoring TV programming for the children.

Nevertheless, this is your new life and in it you work.

I'll just get this paperwork out of the way, and it's a done deal.

ALF

Try not to panic, Bob, but I think we're on fire.

Huh? Oh, don't worry. Those are just clouds.

ALF

Well, I guess I've looked at these from both sides now.

Incidentally, your hobby is racing lear jets. Last book read, Zen and the Art of Acquisitions. Favorite quote, "Greed works."

ALF

You know, this new life is gonna be great. I'm gonna be rich, drive a big car. Make a note, call Sheena Easton. No, no. First, I'll call the Tanners and invite them over for pizza. Then we'll call Sheena Easton.

I'm afraid that isn't possible.

ALF

Well, fine. Then call Kelly girl. Tell them to send over Kelly McGillis and Kelly Lebrock.

I mean you won't be able to invite the Tanners over. After the transition you won't remember them.

ALF

Oh, sure I will. Just because I'm gonna be rich doesn't mean I'll forget the little people.

I'm afraid you will, ALF. You'll forget the tanners and everything about your former life. Everyone's a little nervous at first. I'm sure you're going to be very happy in your new life.

ALF

I can't imagine being happy in a life without the Tanners.

Oh, come off it, ALF. Think of your secretary, think of your profit margins, think of your other secretary. And you saw how well the tanners were doing without you.

ALF

Well, I guess you're right. But can I at least go back and see them one last time?

I've got to join a frequent flier club.

You wanted to say goodbye. I think you should say it now.

ALF

I changed my mind. I'm not leaving! And you can't make me! [Bob snaps his fingers back to heaven] I stand corrected.

Sign here.

ALF

I'm not signing.

Well, have it your way. It's a mere formality, anyway.

ALF

Well, forget it. I'm not going. I know my rights. Get me a lawyer.

This is heaven. There are no lawyers here.

ALF

Prepare to enter your new life.

No! No! Wait! Wait! This whole thing is a mistake.

ALF

The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! [he wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours] The deal is off! The deal is off.

Brian

I think he's waking up.

Kate

[walks up to ALF] ALF. ALF! Can, can you hear me?

ALF

Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Kate

It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you alright?

ALF

Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!

Brian

We worried about you.

ALF

Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!

Lynn

Who's Bob?

ALF

My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.

Kate

ALF, you were just dreaming.

Willie

We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.

Lynn

Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.

Willie

I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.

ALF

Well, you know I kicked the bucket?

Lynn

ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.

ALF

Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?

Lynn

No.

ALF

It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?

Willie

Are you sure you're alright?

ALF

Hey, what could be wrong? I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart. [glass shattering] Don't thank me.

Willie

Are you almost ready, dear?

Kate

[offscreen] I'll be right out!

ALF

[on the phone] Hello? Bloomingdale's Perfume Department. Yeah, I have your next tremendous seller here. This stuff will be on the nape of every female neck in the nation. [Kate screams] Hold on a second.

Kate

[as there is perfume stuck on her skin] What do you know about this?

ALF

I notice it doesn't absorb very well.

Willie

Smells like radiator fluid.

ALF

Hello? Could you transfer me to your Automotive Department?

ALF

Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.

Kate

Oh, no, ALF, these are for everyone.

ALF

Oh. [sneezes]

Lynn

Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.

Willie

I think I'm gonna get something at work.

Brian

I'm gonna have to change my shirt.

Willie

[as he hears a knock on the door] Who is it?

Jake

[from outside] It's me Jake.

Willie

Come on in, Jake.

Lynn

Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.

ALF

Hey, morning, Jake kiboody. What brings you over?

Jake

Aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor have been fighting again.

ALF

What was it about this time? Allow me. Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, and some other female paranoia nonsense. [the Tanners glare at him] Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.

Kate

Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?

Jake

Whatcha havin'?

Brian

Green eggs and ham.

Jake

Pass.

Trevor

[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!

ALF

Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.

Willie

Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?

Trevor

Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.

Kate

Oh, Trevor, I'm sorry.

Trevor

She called me a slob.

Lynn

We know.

Jake

Hey, I didn't tell 'em.

Trevor

Who did?

Jake

Uh, I did.

Trevor

Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.

Willie

So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.

Trevor

I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?

Willie

Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!

Kate

[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.

Trevor

Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.

ALF

[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?

Willie

I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?

ALF

What?

Willie

Do these names ring a bell? The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans?

ALF

What was the question?

Willie

Before I pull every hair out of your neck, I want to ask you something. Did you call those people and tell them about Trevor and Raquel?

ALF

I decline to answer on the grounds that I need my neck hair.

Willie

[angrily] YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, ALF!

ALF

In other words, you disapprove of what I've done.

Willie

Wholeheartedly. I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, but what you're doing is just making things worse.

ALF

You're right, Willie. How could I have been so blind? You know, I've only been thinking of myself.

Willie

You're not just saying this because of that neck hair business?

ALF

No, no, I mean it. I've seen the error of my ways and will Endeavor to do better.

Willie

Well, thank you.

ALF

No. Thank you, Willie. Thank you. [he and Willie look at each other for a few seconds before Willie goes out, then he uses the phone to call another number] Hello? I would like to order flowers for Raquel Ochmonek.

ALF

Willie, did you know that there are 9,875 little dots on this ceiling?

Willie

You counted them?

ALF

No, I guessed.

Trevor

[as he is knocking on the door from outside] Hey, Tanner, you in there?

Willie

Uh, yeah. Just a second. [he snaps his fingers]

ALF

I've had it. I've had it. I refuse to budge 1 inch. [Willie covers him with a big box] Aah! I suppose you think you're clever.

Trevor

What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife?

Willie

Oh, what's the matter, Trevor?

Trevor

Don't play innocent with me. You thought by not sending a card, I wouldn't know who they were from.

Willie

Well, wait a minute. If there was no card, what makes you think they were from me?

Trevor

I called the florist. He said they were charged to your credit card. Anybody who would spend $79.95 on another man's wife, plus tax and delivery, is looking for trouble!

Willie

There must be-

Trevor

Plus tax and delivery!

Willie

There must be some mistake.

Trevor

Hey, Tanner, the only mistake I made was trusting you. If I ever catch you near my wife again, I'm moving out of your house.

Willie

Is there a chance that you heard any of that?

ALF

Well, I've heard enough. Does Kate know you have a thing for Raquel?

Willie

You sent those flowers, didn't you?

ALF

Hey, I took a shot. It obviously didn't work, but I've got another plan that's foolproof.

Willie

[angrily] Stay out of this! Entire- [in a calm voice as Jake comes in] I'm just going now. I'm going to try and straighten things out with Trevor, and when I come back, we'll be talking neck hair. [leaves the garage]

Jake

Hi, ALF.

ALF

Hi.

Jake

We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.

ALF

Too late, Jake. I can't help ya. I promised Willie I'd stay out of it.

Jake

Fine. Fine. Just stand on the sidelines And watch me be packed off To live with another bunch of itinerant Ochmoneks, never to be heard from again. Believe it or not, Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are the best of the lot.

ALF

Are you trying to con me into helping you?

Jake

Is it workin'?

ALF

Sorta.

Jake

What'll it take to put you over the top?

ALF

Donuts.

Jake

What's your idea?

ALF

You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea. That's the deal.

ALF

[from under the bed] Yo.

Trevor

[as he leaves the bedroom] Yo what?

Jake

Uh, yo-yo this, I guess.

Trevor

What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.

Raquel

That's the poem that your uncle Trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.

Jake

Oh, uh, read it, aunt Raquel.

Raquel

[while reading the poem] To Raquel, the most wonderful woman in the world. You're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life. You're the inspiration. I want to have you near me. I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than I need you.

Trevor

You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.

Jake

It's from a song by Chicago.

Trevor

I mean it took me a long time to write it down.

Raquel

Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.

Trevor

Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.

Raquel

What mattered was, is that you gave it to me!

Trevor

Raquel, I meant every word I stole. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to tell you that I still love you, Raquel.

Raquel

More than arena football?

Trevor

Yeah.

Raquel

I should know better than to try to change you.

Trevor

Take me back, Raquel, hmm? I promise I'll try not to be a slob. Although in all fairness, you did know I was raised in a barn. [he and Raquel kiss each other and sit on the bed]

Trevor

What was that? [Stomping.]

Jake

Ah! Leg cramp! Uh, why don't we all go get uncle Trevor's stuff?

Raquel

Good idea! Raquel, I'll carry the moose head. [gets up]

ALF

Thank you. Thank you. For those of you who don't know me, I'm ALF. The answer to the burning question who's the only NBC star with more hair than Michael Landon? Yo, Ed. Nice to see ya.

Oh, welcome to "The Tonight Show", ALF.

ALF

Ed was missing last week. So the cops put his picture on a 6 pack of Budweiser. [laughs] Also with us tonight is Mr. Tommy Newsom.

Hi, ALF.

ALF

After the show tonight, Tommy and I are gonna go out and paint the town beige.

I got a brush right here.

ALF

Good one, Tom! You hang on to that. Tommy's not dull. He was just weaned on Novocain. Well, I'm glad all of you can get in 'cause it sure was hot out there today.

How hot was it?

ALF

What am I, a thermometer? Hey, we have a fabulous show for you tonight. We've got Joan Embery, Joyce Brothers and a Pope. So stay tuned, we'll be right back.

Nice going, ALF. You're 2 for 2. Why don't you get the Pope out here and try for a shutout?

ALF

Ha! Good one Driver's Ed! Ha! [knocks over Johnny's mug]

Ooh! You broke Johnny's cup!

ALF

Hey, that's nothing. You should see what I did to his dressing room.

Boy, you are in big trouble mister.

ALF

Oh, hey, this isn't trouble, I'll show you trouble.