[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]
ALFFine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?
ALF
Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
[lights turns on]
WLWillie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
Surprise!
ALF
Willie, intruder alert!
ALF
I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.
We've invited everyone who's ever met you.
ALF
How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?
ALF
Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]
ALF
Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.
ALF
Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?
ALF
Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.
ALF
[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!
ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.
ALF
I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?
Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.
ALF
Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.
WKWillie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
[giving ALF presents] Surprise!
ALF
Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's us!
Oh, no. It's Trevor. Well, he wasn't invited.
Yeah, that never stops him.
ALF
I think just for a change of pace, I'll, hide in the kitchen. Ha! I kill us. [he goes to the kitchen]
He owes the Ochmoneks money.
I thought you said they were going out tonight.
They always go dancing on Saturdays.
Oh, hello. Hi. We were wondering if you knew where Jake went?
Oh, you're having a party. How interesting.
And we weren't invited? After having them over last night!
Now, now, Trevor, I'm sure the Tanners had a very good reason for stiffing us.
Well, it's not a party party.
Oh, you mean the party where you have to buy stuff?
But I will have a slab of that cake.
I'll get a couple of plates.
Thanks. Bring Raquel one too.
[Willie goes to the kitchen to meet ALF]
I'm sorry for the interruption.
ALF
No problem. I enjoy the challenge of avoiding those 2. It keeps me young.
ALF
Hey, Willie. Thanks for the party and everything. It's nice to know there's someone around to save me from myself.
[voiceover] Willie, I need a doggie bag.
[voiceover] Raquel, don't go in there.
ALF
Ah, the game is afoot.
[Willie goes out the kitchen to stop Raquel from seeing ALF]
ALF
Hi, what does E-N-N-U-I spell?
ALF
Then what do we send you to school for?
ALF
Can I see the mail? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people on how well I drew Binky.
ALF
Occupant. Resident. Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you! Uh oh.
They didn't like your "Binky"?
ALF
Worse! It's from that college Lynn wants to go to.
ALF
It's in Massachusetts. If she goes there, she won't live here.
ALF
Hi! No mail today.
Than what are you holding?
ALF
Mail. I'm a terrible liar.
ALF
Wait. What does E-N-N-U-I, spell?
ALF
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! That's absolutely correct. No need to go to college.
[takes the mail from ALF] Give that to me. Oh my god! It's here! Cross your fingers everybody!
ALF
No problem.
Alright! This is fantastic! I can't believe it! I've got to call Laurie. [runs off]
ALF
Maybe she didn't get in.
[ALF wakes up in the middle of the night and wakes up Willie and Kate]
ALF
[clears throat] Now that you're up, could I see the two of you in the living room?
[Kate groans]
ALF, we're tired now. We wanna go to sleep.
ALF
Fine, but I don't know how you two can sleep considering what's in the living room.
[Willie and Kate come inside the living room and see many newspapers that ALF made]
ALF
Newspapers, Willie. Get with it!
ALF
Perhaps I should explain. Please do!
No, let me guess. You're a newspaper boy.
ALF
We prefer the term, "Paper Person." It's gender-neutral.
Do you actually believe, that you can afford someone through college with a paper route?
ALF
No. That's why I got 10 paper routes.
10 paper routes, there must be 500 papers here.
ALF
Actually, 501. They gave me an extra copy by mistake. [chuckles]
ALF, you can't deliver newspapers.
ALF
Sure I can! You haven't seen my throwing arm. [Willie grabs the newspaper] Willie, I can't throw you and the newspaper. [Willie takes the newspaper away from him]
ALF
Did I ever tell you guys about Thanksgiving on Melmac?
ALF
Thanksgiving on Melmac wasn't called Thanksgiving. It was called Fappiano. And we didn't eat turkey. Instead, we sat down to a nice, big, juicy, stuffed-
Time out! We know exactly what you're gonna say, ALF. And you know that we find that offensive.
ALF
What was I gonna say?
Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed, cat.
ALF
But now we'll never know, will we? I was always partial to the dark meat.
[picks up the covered empty turkey] Something's wrong here. This, this turkey feels so light.
ALF
Well, you have been working out.
[stops ALF from leaving] Hold it right there, mister. Willie, he ate our Thanksgiving turkey. Raw.
ALF
Turkey sushi.
That is the worst thing you have ever done.
ALF
Willie, every time you say that, it loses a little more impact.
ALF
Tradition! On Fappiano, you ate from the time you got up until all the presents were opened. Incidentally, I didn't see any presents under the Fappiano tree. I didn't even see a tree!
I'll, uh...I'll try to find another turkey.
ALF
And don't forget the tree! And the presents!
There will be no tree. There will be no presents. I don't think there will even be a turkey. [leaves]
ALF
This is gonna be some Fappiano.
[arrives at the house and gets ready to meet ALF] Hello. [ALF pretends to bark] There's, uh, no need to pretend. I'm not...gonna hurt you. And I'm sure you're not gonna...hurt me. [ALF pretends to bark again] Oh! It's okay. I'm friendly...so are you. [ALF whimpers] Look, I know you can talk. I heard ya.
ALF
Ruh-roh.
Relax. I'm a friend of Willie's.
ALF
You're that bum who's been hanging around our trash cans.
Hey! Huh. Bums have friends.
ALF
How do you know Willie?
I was talking to him just, a-a, a minute ago. [clears throat] About this tall, glasses, social worker.
ALF
That's Willie.
Oh, well, he-he's the one who, [pause] told me to, [pause] come in here and, [pause] keep you company.
ALF
Willie told you about me?
Ah, well, not, specifically which planet you're from but, I figure it's a cold planet because of your fur. Your feet are suited to a muddy terrain. They're probably reddish-brown so that you'd, uh, blend in. Your large ears suggest a thin atmosphere that doesn't transmit sound waves very well. And the big nose indicates a scarcity of oxygen.
ALF
Hey! Watch the wisecracks about the schnoz.
Oh, uh, uh, sorry. No offense, uh, intended. It's a lovely schnoz.
ALF
Thank you. Yours is nice too.
Thank you. So, let's see. I'd, uh, I'd guess you were from planet [pause] K-171.
ALF
K-171? Oh, you mean Neesbeck. Hah! There's no intelligent life on Neesbeck!
ALF
I've been there. Their national bird is dust.
Well, then what planet are you from?
ALF
Melmac. But don't spread it around, okay?
ALF
Good. You have any idea what would happen if people found out about me?
ALF
Have you ever heard of the Alien Task Force?
Alien Task...Force? No, I don't believe I have. What do they do?
ALF
Well, they hunt down innocent aliens, and do bad, bad things to them.
ALF
Interstellar grapevine.
ALF
How's mom?
[he and Brian come in the living room] Have you seen the peanut butter? ALF, who's that?
ALF
Oh, this is my new friend Pete Finnegan. Flakey, this is Brian Tanner and Jake Ochmonek.
ALF
Let he who is without flakiness cast the first stone.
ALF, you're not supposed to let strangers in the house.
ALF
Relax, Brian, the Flakemeister's not gonna tell anyone I'm an alien. He's a friend of Willie's.
Oh, yeah? You know Mr. Tanner?
Oh, yeah, sure. Very well. Matter of fact, this is his sweater.
ALF
What happened to your Thanksgiving dinner?
Uncle Rocky's still carvin' it. Come on, Brian, let's go spoil our appetites.
[leaves] Yeah...likewise.
[at the end, Flakey Pete leaves the Tanners' home]
Well, now, if you need anything, you got my card.
Oh, thanks, but I'll be fine.
Are you sure you can't stay?
Oh, thanks, ALF, but, no. I usually spend this time of year in Florida. Lots of rich widows with loose change and full of the holiday spirit.
ALF
Bye, cornflake.
[closes the door] Gee, I hope he keeps in touch.
ALF
I'm sure he will. He took our phone.
Kate, this lasagna looks really great!
ALF
Very well worth the interminable wait.
I asked you twice to stop doing that.
ALF
What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.
You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.
ALF
No problem, Willie. Have it your way.
Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.
He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!
[comes home, angry] What a creep! I never want to see him again! [she heads upstairs]
I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.
We should go see if she's all right. [she and Willie head upstairs]
ALF
Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]
[ALF comes in the kitchen with a razor while Willie is fixing a machine that has a banana peel inside]
ALF
Hey, Willie. When's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?
Oh, my razor is- [he grabs the razor from ALF and sees ALF's hair on it] Why were you shaving?
ALF
According to Shelley, women like clean-shaven men.
[he furiously looks too close at ALF's face] Don't ever touch anything that touches my face.
ALF! [comes in angrily] How could you do this to me?
ALF
I couldn't find my own roll-on.
I have got a date to go bowling with Donny Ducksworth, the geekiest guy in school, thanks to my brother, ALF.
That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.
ALF
You wanted me to.
[angrily] I DID NOT WANT TO!
ALF
Well, you said you liked the guy.
I said I liked Danny Duckworth. You called Donny his cousin.
ALF
Danny, Donny, Florence, Shelley, I'm getting a headache. I think I'll go lie down.
Hold it right there bro, I think you have one more phone call to make this thing straighten down out.
It's too late, Mom. Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.
ALF
That was my idea! I hope you like paisley!
ALF
[pops his head up and becomes nosy during Lynn's date] Hi.
What are you doing in this car?
ALF
Hey, I'm trapped here, so let's just make the best of it, ok?
You are gonna ruin everything.
ALF
What's to ruin? We're sitting in a parking lot, listening to a movie.
This is a drive-in. It's just like a regular movie, except you stay in your car.
ALF
Well, at least I can order food. Yo, Jack! I'll have a burger and some fries.
That speaker is for the movie.
ALF
Oh. Hey, can you roll Animal House for the blue station wagon?
Get down! Danny's gonna be back any minute.
ALF
Well, then you might want to take a look at chapter 9, laying the trap.
I don't need your help or Shelley's.
ALF
Do I have to remind you what you'd be doing tonight if it weren't for our help?
ALF
Do the words, "Go fish, Brian" ring a bell?
ALF · 397 quotes
