[she heads in the house after her date ended] ALF, you scared me. What are you doing?
ALFWhat am I doing? What are you doing? What happened to Randy?
That wasn't Randy, that was someone else.
ALF
Yeah. Someone who looks like a certain aging substitute novelist. Who shall remain last-nameless.
Ok, so it was Eddie. He just happened to be at the party, see--
ALF
Yeah, yeah, and I just fell off the garbanzo truck. Come on. This is the old ALFer. What gives?
Okay, I haven't really been dating Randy. I've only been tutoring him for an hour in English each night and then going to meet Eddie.
ALF
An hour a night? That's barely enough time for Randy to turn his book right side up.
ALF, please, don't tell mom and dad about this yet, ok? I know they'll like Eddie.
ALF
They just need some time to adjust. Don't tell them? You want me to lie?
No! No, you don't have to lie. Just don't bring it up. That's not lying.
ALF
Egad! What a loophole.
It's not like I'm never going to tell them. I just, I need to wait for the right moment. You know, like when they're in a really, really good mood.
ALF
Yeah, well, let me know when that happens. And I'll tell them about the untimely demise of Kate's porcelain ballerina.
You broke mom's porcelain ballerina?
ALF
Yeah. We were dancing the pas de duex from swan lake, and I dropped her in the toilet.
ALF
[dressed as bellhop and goes to Lynn's room] Miss Lynn Tanner. Paging Miss Lynn Tanner.
ALF
I've just gotta get a message to ya.
I don't want any messages from you.
ALF
It's not from me. I'm just the bellhop. [Lynn opens the door] It's from a friend of yours. It's not what you think. I'm really not a fink. You're the last person I'd hurt. I didn't mean to blurt, it out.
I've got a message for my so-called friend. Friends don't rat on friends!
ALF
Guess this means no tip.
[comes in] Yes, father? Hello, mother.
Lynn, I want you to speak to ALF.
ALF
Civilly, please.
Speak to him or have your telephone privileges taken away.
You want me to speak to him? Fine, I'll speak to him. Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?
ALF
You squealer!
ALF
That was supposed to be a secret.
My wedding present porcelain ballerina?
Well, you told my secret first.
ALF
But that just slipped out.
My original, one of a kind, impossible to duplicate [angrily] PORCELAIN BALLERINA?
ALF
Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds when you say it over and over? Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.
Alright, everyone, stop, cease, desist. I want you to apologize to each other, and I want you to put all of this behind us. Fine. Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.
ALF
Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present. I was going to tell you.
ALF
I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.
ALF
Can I have Willie's meatloaf, Kate?
ALF
Fine. If Willie isn't home by midnight, then can I have his meatloaf?
[Willie comes in]
ALF
Can I have your meatloaf?
ALF
Willie?
ALF
Shoot!
How was the union meeting?
Well, they elected me picket captain. What does that tell you?
Oh, you're going on strike?
I'm afraid so. Just the thought of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
ALF
Then meatloaf would only make you more queasy. [he was about to grab it but Willie takes his meatloaf away from him]
ALF
[comes in the room] Question.
Perhaps I spoke too soon.
ALF
Bottom line. I'm concerned about how this strike is gonna affect everyone, especially me.
Spoken like a true humanitarian.
ALF
I know. And I have the solution in 5 simple words, Willie gets another kob.
ALF
Good. I ran out of fingers.
As a matter of fact, I was just thinking that I should go back to work.
ALF
[laughs] Good one, Kate!
I have always worked, ALF. I sold real estate, by choice, until I got pregnant with Lynn, by choice. I went back to work, by choice, until I got pregnant with Brian, by choice. And I was just getting ready to go back to work, by choice, when we got you.
ALF
I have a gut feeling I'm not going to hear the words "by choice".
ALF, you know we're glad you're part of this family.
We are, ALF. Even at this inconveniently late hour.
ALF
Then isn't it time we made it official?
ALF
My adoption!
Oh, I don't even think we can do that. Can we? No, we can't do that.
ALF
Why not?
Well, for starters, there's that species thing.
ALF
It doesn't bother you that I don't bear the Tanner name?
ALF, please. Go back to bed.
ALF
But Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?
ALF
No offense, but Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?
ALF, you're 231 years old. You should be able to take care of yourself by now.
ALF
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
[on the phone at work] Kate Tanner.
ALF
[on the phone at home] 'I knew that.'
Hi there. Why are you calling me here again?
ALF
Willie told me to.
ALF
No, he did. He did. He wanted me to ask you about the weather.
How about stormy? Did you have a special reason for calling me again?
ALF
Well, yeah, yeah. I have a question. How long does this career thing usually last?
ALF, we have been over this. I am here because I want to be. I want to work, I like to work I always planned to come back to work.
ALF
How can I make you understand this?
He thinks the lady doth protest her lunch. Too much.
ALF
Too much what?
I'm hanging up now. [hangs up the call]
ALF
Yep. Definitely stormy.
[Willie is preparing dinner for the family]
Mmm, Brian, w-would you hand me the garlic press?
What's a garlic press look like?
Well, it-it's right there next to the garlic.
What's a garlic look like?
Haven't you ever helped your mom in the kitchen?
Sure, I say, "Mom, it's burning." And she says, "Thanks, Bri."
I promise not to burn the pasta primavera.
ALF
Pasta primavera? I thought we were having spaghetti.
It is spaghetti. It's spaghetti with broccoli and peas and zucchini and a light tomato cream sauce.
ALF
Well, I like the sauce that Kate opens. How come there's weeds in this salad?
They aren't weeds. That's radicchio.
ALF
The whole idea of you cooking is radicchio.
[comes home from school] Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, honey. You're-you're kinda late getting home.
Yeah, Julie and I stayed after school to protest cheerleading tryouts.
Well, why would you do that?
I was protesting because I think cheerleading is a sexist exploitation of the concept of woman as perennial spectator. Julie was protesting because she was eliminated in the 1st round. Mmm, pasta primavera.
You see? Lynn appreciates my cooking.
Sure, scrape off the vegetables and that pink stuff and it's great. Anything I can do to help?
ALF
[looking at the salad] What's this stuff?
[angrily takes the salad away from ALF] Will you stay out of that salad? [he grabs the salad from ALF but the salad flies out of the bowl on Lynn]
ALF
Yikes! The radicchio is making a break for it!
ALF, I want you to clean this mess up and I want you to stay out of my way.
[as he sees the spaghetti overboiling] I think your spaghetti's done.
[Willie tries to get the spaghetti to stop from overboiling, but he burns himself as Kate comes home, he quickly grabs a towel while the spaghetti noodles fly off, then he puts the pot in the sink]
[timer dings]
ALF
Dinner is served.
[Kate comes home from work]
ALF
Hi, Kate.
Hi, ALF. Hi, Willie. Willie, um, uh, re-remember the first time that, that I stopped working?
Um-m-m, it was when you were expecting Lynn.
Well, do you remember the second time?
When you were expecting Brian.
Well, you know, I haven't been feeling too great lately and, um, I've been feeling you know, kind of tired.
Well, gosh, honey, you ought to see a doctor.
ALF
Willie, you lox! Your wife is telling you she's about to spawn again!
Yeah. Are we. [he and Kate kiss each other]
ALF
Great! A new baby! We'll raise him as our own!
Well, he or she will be our own.
Well, as our own. It's not our own. Lynn! Brian! Come here, I want to tell you something!
[he and Kate hug each other] Oh, I love you.
[as she and Brian go to the living room] What's up, dad?
There. There's going to be an addition, to our family.
ALF
Yes! Yes! Yes!
No, it's not that. I'm gonna have a baby.
Oh, mom! That's great! This is so '80s!
We-we'll discuss that later.
ALF
I can't believe it! You're gonna be a mother! Brian, get some papers. Lynn, boil some water.
Well, ALF, the baby won't be here for 8 months.
ALF
Who's talking about the baby? I want a cup of tea and I want to read the funnies.
ALF
I came with a peace offering. You want a flower?
ALF
Good. [eats the flower and burps] I came to say I'm sorry.
Apology accepted. Good night.
ALF
I realized I have no choice to sell out. The system is bigger than you are.
Well, we're both bigger than you, so leave.
ALF
Whoa, man. Bad vibrations. [leaves Willie and Kate's bedroom]
[ALF and Brian are preparing to do a magic trick using Kate's hat]
It's a magic trick we just saw on TV.
ALF
It's called "The Two-Layer Pineapple Surprise Cake in a Sun Hat" trick.
ALF
We couldn't find Willie's. And now, without further ado, a pinch of yeast and 2 eggs. [puts the eggs inside Kate's hat] 1, 2.
Does mom know you're using her sun hat?
ALF
Silence, please! Will the young man with the freckles and the overbite please mix the ingredients.
She doesn't know, does she?
ALF
I'm running this trick on a need-to-know basis.
ALF
Perfect! Now cover the hat with the plate as I say the magic words. [Brian covers Kate's hat with a plate] Hacus pacus. Betty Crock-us. [Kate comes in the kitchen] Ta-da! Ladies and gentlemen. ALF's magical 2-layer pineapple surprise, [Brian wants to show the ALF's trick but fails to work leaving Kate's hat ruined and messy] soup.
[Willie and ALF fight over the saw]
You are not going to saw our son!
ALF
Yes, I am!
[Willie takes the saw away]
ALF
But I'm ready for big time. How long does a guy have to toil in kiddie tricks?
Maybe until he completes 1 or 2 of them successfully.
ALF
Maybe he doesn't stand a chance. When all the diagrams favored 5 flavored magicians.
Maybe he's gotten into something a little over his head.
ALF
Maybe at 3 foot 2, everything he gets into is over his head.
[ALF comes up with a trick to make Brian disappear as Brian sits inside the box]
Okay, remember how we saw it on TV? You close the curtain and you spin the box around 3 times.
ALF
Ixnay on the spinning. If you puke in that box it can't be returned. [closes the curtain] You alright in there?
ALF
Thank you, Junior Wences. I'll say the magic words. Alakazoo, alakazam. I'll show you what a hack I am. [he makes Brian disappear] Brian? Yo, B, you in there? Yes! Yes! I came, I saw I demolecularized. I can do magic! Uh-oh, now I'll make you reappear, B. Um. Uh, abracadabra, alakazam, I'm a better magician than I thought I am! [he thinks a rabbit appear in the box] Uh-oh. A glitch in the finale. Uh, alakazam. Oh, no. Uh, I vaporized the boy. Kate and Willie will not be pleased. Especially since Willie told me not to do any more tricks. Oh, wait a minute. I smell a conspiracy here. I also smell 8 rabbits cooped up in a garage. [he gets grossed out by 8 rabbits]
[returns back home after hiding in the car by ALF] Hi, ALF.
ALF
How did you do that? You didn't even move your little rabbit lips.
ALF
Brian, you're not a rabbit!
[as he and Kate found him] Oh, Brian!
I was hiding in the car. But I got hungry.
Why were you hiding in the car?
I wanted ALF to think he made me disappear so he wouldn't think he's a bad magician.
Oh! Oh, honey. It was nice of you not to want ALF to feel bad but we were very, very worried about you.
ALF
Yeah! I thought I turned you into a rabbit.
Sorry, mom, dad. Sorry, ALF. I guess I messed up the trick.
ALF
That's okay, Bri. Now you can clean up your own pellets.
ALF · 397 quotes
