Jake the Dog quotes from Adventure Time

Finn

Dude, I think I have a crush! What do you know about her, Jake?

Jake

I was trying to help you get over your Princess Bubblegum sad times by hooking you two up. But she's evil, man!

Finn

[furious] You shut your dirty mouth. [slaps Jake]

Jake

Dirty? [checks his tongue] No, man. Really, her dad said she was evil!

Jake

She's headed for the Goblin Kingdom! We need to defeat this fiery she-beast!

Finn

I can't fight her, man! I'm still into her!

Jake

Finn! What's more important — your love for that screwball dame, or being a hero and saving the lives of innocent goblin folk?

Finn

[growl] Being a hero.

Up and at 'em, people! Eveyone out of your cages. [Finn and Jake are released] My shift is over, and no one's shown up, so...

Finn

Whoa, wait! You're letting us go?

I mean... yeah, but not really. You're in the Nightosphere, so... [shrugs]

Finn

So... what?

Jake

[holds up cellphone and charger] Is there an outlet somewhere for this?

Ah ha ha... Hahahahahahaha!!

Finn

Hey, c'mon! Just tell us how we can get back to our world!

You can't leave the Nightosphere. Not unless he lets you.

Marceline's Dad...

Yeah, that's Hunson Abadeer. He runs this place.

Jake

Hunson Abadeer? [giggles] Alright.

Finn

Well, dude, how do we talk to him?

You can't just talk to the boss. You gotta make an appointment.

Finn

Yeah, but we don't even know why we're here!

Jake

[holds up a banana] And what's up with this?!

Ugh. Oh! Oh, oh, sick! You touched that stuff?! [beat, flies off] Later, fools.

Finn

[looks around] Who's the Teller? That guy?

Okay, bozos, [whacks a demon with his oar] make room, make room! Make room!

Ouch!! Come on!

Scooch over, fatty.

I can't, dude! This outbox is packed tighter than my tummy tunnel when I can't make brown on the camping trips... because of my anxieties and I have IBS also. [gets hit with oar] Ow!

Finn

Hey, guy! Are you the Teller?

No. No, no, this is the line to meet the Teller.

Finn

[hits his head] No, man, are you for real?! How long's the wait?!

I don't know. I just like to row around on top of their heads.

Finn

Bunk that!

Jake

[holds up the banana] Hey, do you know about this?

I... ew, no. Ehh... sick.

Finn

Why do we need to see the Teller anyway? We just wanna see Hunson Abadeer and find out what happened to us.

The Teller will get you in touch with Hunson Abadeer. We got systems down here. You gotta swim the proper channels, ya know?

Yous ain't special! Yous gotta wait just like the rest of yous! ..Us.

Finn

Ugh... Where's the line start?

Oh... I dunno. The thing sorta governs itself.

Jake

"Alright, so... this is the Nightosphere, I guess. It looks banay-nays. Marceline says they got tons of crazy ways out here. [walks into the cave to see Finn and Marceline playing tambourine and banjo respectively] Right, Marceline? Marceline! [waves hand in front of the camera] Marcy!! [uses index finger and thumb on Marceline, morphs it into a claw hand while making sounds] Hehehe...

"There you are, Marceline. [pans out to show Hunson in his monster form] Huh? RAHHH!!!"

Jake

"WAHHHH!!!"

"Oh! Hello, dog. Hello, Finn." [swipe at Finn]

Finn

"Stay away from me, old man!" [points at him and shakes tambourine]

Jake

[watching the video] Hehehe... nice one.

"Now, Finn. [shrinks down into his non-monster state] Come on, there's no bad blood here. Come here, let's bury the hatchet! [hugs Finn] See how I'm not killing you?"

Marceline

"Ugh, Dad, stop."

"Alright, I don't want to embarrass my little girl. [puts Finn down] So young lady, have you thought about my offer?"

Marceline

"Ugh!!"

Jake

"What offer, Marceline's Dad?"

[chuckles] "I want Marceline to take over the Nightosphere. Finally join the family business."

Marceline

"Business? What do you even do?"

Oh, ha... [backing away] Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

"Check it out, sweetie. See how chaotic it is out there? [fire shoots out of the ground] How everyone's confused and frustrated? The Nightosphere is sustained by chaos."

Marceline

"Eh, I just don't see my self doing this biz."

"Okay, but I know you'll come around eventually. Or maybe you won't. I don't know. You're an independent woman. [yawns so hard his soul-sucking face is seen as Jake backs away] Well, I'm gonna take a nappy. [taking a stroll] Oh! I almost forgot!" [takes off a neck ornament and sucks his suit into it; he is now wearing underpants and an undershirt]

Marceline

"Dad!!"

"Whoops! [laughs, hands it to her] You should put this amulet on. It'll grant you wishes for, like... ponies, or whatever kids like."

Marceline

"Dad, I'm a thousand years old."

"Ha! Yes you are, sweetie. [messing her hair, walks away] Daddy's little monster!"

Finn

[offscreen] Jake! Hey, Jake! [Jake takes off one side of his headphones] Jake!

Jake

What?

Finn

Come here! Ya gotta check this out!

Jake

Yeah, okay.

Finn

Check this out, man. This bear is tops blooby! [Jake rolls his eyes and sighs] Watch this. [Finn inhales and the bear does the same] Choo! [the bear does the same] Ya gotta try this, Jake. He does everything I do!

[laughing] Oh, stop! [Finn pulls BMO away]

Finn

Haha, come on, Jake, try it!

It's awesome!

Jake

Heh-heh. Um... Yeah, okay. [grabs a broom and starts sweeping] Sweepy-sweepy-sweepy. Sweep sweep sweep. [sweeps the bear's side] Sweepin'!

Finn

He's got me down pat! Heh-hah! Sweeping's weak.

Jake

[annoyed] Mmmmmm...

[spoke] Sweeping weak.

Jake

[beat] This guy just busted me up my chops, Finn!

Finn

Hey, come on, he's just a bear. He don't know nothin'.

Jake

Mmmm... Yeah, I guess. Well, anyway, it's gettin' pretty late. Probably time for everyone to go back home to their own houses.

Finn

Yeah, I guess you're right, Jake. It is pretty late. He should probably stay here tonight. [Jake scowls] You can sleep in the bathtub.

Brathtrub!

Finn

[laughing] Brathtub! This guy is tops blooby!

Jake

ARE YOU READY TO OVERCOME THIS THING??

Finn

I think so.

Jake

I said, ARE YOU READY TO OVERCOME THIS THING!!?

Finn

Yeah. I heard you. I said, "I think so."

Jake

I'm trying to get ya to shout.

Finn

Oh.. okay! IS THIS GOOD??

Jake

Never mind.

Ice King

[at Ice Kingdom] I said I don't know! [groans] I have nothing to do with this!

Jake

Stop lying! We found your fingerprints at the crime scene!

Ice King

What?! Really?!

Jake

Uh... no. [Finn laughs]

Ice King

Oh, well... then why did you say that?

Finn

Ice King, we know you did it!

Ice King

Finn, I'm as concerned as you are. There's some sicko out there. What if he comes after my princess?

YOUR princess?

Ice King

Yeah. Let me introduce you to my new wife.

Ice King

Oh, wait. You mean I'm the guy stealing all the p— Yeah, okay, I get it now.

This is way too boring for my book! Oh, my shoulder strap! Ohh! My orange juice is comin' out! Hah! Gotchuh? [kerPLOOP!!]

Finn

Hehah! Jake! Kerploop!

Jake

Hehehee! Kerploop!

Not "gotcha"?

Jake

Milk? Some milk?

What? Oh.. look... you should probably split, buddy. Things are about to get pretty flipped out in here.

Jake

Oh sure, sorry man. I was just tryin' to get away from that rotten Princess Bubblegum for a while, y'know? Isn't she just the worst?

Wait, you hate Princess Bubblegum too? Get outta here!

Jake

Oh yeah, man, she's the worst! Sittin' out there all safe and cosy while I'm riskin' my life tootin' around in here in a stupid milkman costume...

Wait--costume!?

Jake

Oh, um... I just mean it feels like a costume! Cos I wanted to be a mailman so bad, you see? But the Princess--she made me be a milkman anyway.

Boy I here ya, brother.

Finn

Hey, Jake. What's wrong? You look dumpy. How come? I-Is it because of that metal box? [runs to Jake looking out the window] Is something sad inside?

Jake

No... it's nothin'.

Finn

There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them. But also, you can put something in the box. And then it won't be empty! Does that make you feel better? [Jake turns to him]

Jake

[chuckles] You're a charmer, Finn Human. No... it's, well... Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play the game Card Wars with me. [shows box full of cards to Finn] I always beat her. 'Cause she says "No more Card Warring."

Finn

What's Card Wars?

Jake

It's a fantasy card game that's super-complicated and awesome, but— well... oh, it's kinda stupid. Never mind.

Finn

How come you never talked abut it before? It sounds cool!

Jake

Really? Well, I thought you'd say it was for nerds who do not know how life is outside the nerd universe.

Finn

I-It is, man. But I still totally want to play it. So no more moping, okay?

Jake

Thanks, Finn!

Jake

Okay, now it's the battle phase. I'm attacking your schoolhouse with my Husker Knights. [summons three corn-shaped knights] And, I'm casting Cerebral Bloodstorm! [summons a flying brain which rains down a cornfield] So, what do you use to defend? [his Husker Knights and Cerebral Bloodstorm starts charging into Finn's side]

Finn

Uhh... can my Cool Dog and Ancient Scholar defeat your Husker Knights? [Jake laughs out loud]

Jake

Of course not!

Finn

Hmm... Then, I floop the pig.

Jake

What?! [he giggles]

Finn

What?

Jake

Okay, okay. First of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight. You activate a creature.

Finn

Hmm, no — it says I can floop the pig. See? [summons a pig]

Jake

No! He's eating all my cornfields! My Husker Knights draw energy from corn! [his Knights drop dead]

Finn

And since I'm not actually attacking, your Cerebral Bloodstorm only does damage to your own kingdom's troops. [the Bloodstorm strikes thunder to his Knights; Jake gasps loudly]

Jake

You just wiped out my entire attack!

Finn

What do you expect if all your power units come from corn? Pigs eat corn, dude. Cornfields stink.

Jake

Cornfields are awesome!! What makes you think you know so much about Card Wards?!

Finn

It's just logic.

Jake

You're the cool guy, huh? Well, let me make it a little hot for you, then. (He chuckles sinisterly as he floops a land card) I floop the VOLCANO!

Finn

WHA!? That'll destroy your kingdom, too, won't it?!

Jake

(scoffs) Maybe.

Finn

AAH! MY PIG!!!

Jake

(chuckles) The pig is dead.

Jake

YOU GANKED MY SPIRIT WALKER!!!

Finn

Uh...maybe we should take a break?

Jake

Your turn.

Finn

Huh?!

Jake

(grows large) YOU PLAY! YOU PLAY!!!

Finn

Oh, zang!

Finn

I gotta use the boy-style room!

Finn

(whispering) BMO. BMO.

BMO CHOP! If this were a real attack, you'd be dead.

Oh, no! Are you winning the game of Card Wars?

Finn

Yeah.

That's terrible! If Jake loses that game, he gets super depressed. When I beat him, he wouldn't talk to me for a month!

Finn

Wha? I only played so he wouldn't be bummed.

Finn, you must take a dive.

Finn

Yeah, okay. But I'm a Card Wars super-Amadeus.

Magic Man, you caused nothing but turmoil and chaos for us on Mars. We thought banishing you to this world would help you see the light of our utopian supersociety. Now tell us. What have you learned in these past 200 years?

...Are you guys talkin' to me?

You know you made life on Mars a nightmare!

Now we must return you to Mars, where vengeance awaits thee.

Finn

That's not—

Finn

Magic Man! [pounds him] Get up!

Did it work? Is he gone?

Finn

[flips himself back up] Hyup-hoop! They took my friend to Mars! Fly me there and help me save him!

Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't. You see? [wiggles fingers] The transfer drained me. I can probably barely float. So, I just gotta wait till they kill your friend. See ya! [floats away laughing before Finn jumps on his back]

Finn

NO!! What do you mean "kill"?!

They're gonna put him on trial for my crimes. Ain't nobody gonna pardon these crimes on my head. Not even the King of Mars! And once he's dead, my magic juice will return to my body. Flowing through me like moonlight through the ghost dance.

Finn

[squeezes Magic Man] SQUEEEEZE!!!

I wish I could help. Except I don't!

Finn

You succubutt!

Jake

Looks like your date went pretty good, buddy.

Finn

Uh... I don't know. Was the hug okay? Give me some tips, mang.

Jake

Bro, you gotta let things take their natural path. Look. [forms his arm into a staircase with 15 steps] Look, let me explain some junk about dating. Right now you're at Tier 1, which is hugging. But pretty soon, you'll be at Tier 2, which is smooching. Then down the road you'll make it to Tier 5, where she'll let you discover all fifteen feet of her long, beautiful stomach. And after a while, you'll make it to Tier 8, where you touch her horn for the very first time. Very special.

Finn

What about Tier 15?

Jake

[sharply] You stay away from that! [beat] Do not do Tier 15!!!

Finn

Dude, I got no idea what you're talking about.

Bubblegum

Finn!

Finn

[high-pitched] AAHHH!!!

Bubblegum

Whatcha doin'?

Finn

Oh, uh— hi, Princess! I'm, uh, writing something for Jake.

Bubblegum

Oh, well, speaking of Jake, did he explain everything to you?

Finn

Yeah.

Bubblegum

And you understand?

Finn

[turns away] Yeah, I understand.

Bubblegum

Finn, sometimes you want someone and you [puts hand on Finn's left knee] want to kiss them, and be with them. But you can't, because responsibility demands sacrifice.

Finn

[incredulous] What are you trying to say?!

Bubblegum

I'm trying to say that you're a hero, Finn. You're my hero. So, I'm glad you understand why you can't be with Flame Princess. [Finn stands up, enraged]

Finn

Bubblegum, I can't do this anymore!!

Bubblegum

What?

Finn

Now you like me?!

Bubblegum

Finn, what are you talking about?

Finn

What am I talking about?! [grunts] PB, I was... geh...eh... I was in love with you! Okay?! And you didn't love me back! Now I'm ready to move on, and it's like... [grunts] you're gonna build me up all over again! Well, I'm done! I'm done.

Bubblegum

Finn? Jake, where's Finn? Is he with Flame Princess?

Jake

Back off, Bubblegum! That's his man's biz!

Bubblegum

(shows Jake the poem) Is he with her OR NOT?!

Jake

You heartless monster! Do you have any idea how much he's CRIED over you?! Finn deserves to be happy, even if his bloopin' FACE gets burned off!! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!!!

Jake

YOU'RE SICK!!!

Bubblegum

What?! This isn't about some petty love triangle! Flame Princess is PHYSICALLY UNSTABLE!! Her elemental matrix can't handle extreme romance! Grob, if Finn tries to kiss her, she'll burn so hot, she'll melt RIGHT through the planet's crust, down to the molten core! Then, she'll be thrown back and forth by gravity until she burns out the world from the inside!! Why do you think I had her father keep her locked up!?

Bubblegum

Will you take me to them?!?