JakeMmh... what..?
I heard a sound coming from the sewer! We should check it out!
Jake
No man, they'll surprise party me when they're ready. Be patient.
I'm being patient! I waited all day, Jake!
Jake
Well, I've been waiting six months!
("Six months... Six months... Six months... Six months...")
Wait... What're you saying?
Jake
Everything's gonna be fine... [yawn] even if we have to wait... FOREVER....
Have I been asleep for six months?!
Jake
Yeah, man...but it's fine.
(More roaches crawl around Jake from his inner ear.)
(thinking) Face it, Finn -- your best friend is gone.
Jake
...Finn?
(With that conclusion, Finn wheels himself toward the sewer!)
Jake
NOOOOOOOO! DON'T RUIN THE SURPRISE!!!
(Jake intercepts Finn, grabbing his wheelchair and jamming its wheel with his arm, bursting it apart as Jake smashes it. Finn tries to reach the sewer, but Jake sees him.)
Jake
NOOOOOO!
(Finn hopelessly flails his arms as Jake carries him away from the sewer. The scene cuts to black.)
CCat
[latches on Jake's mouth] Quiet, or you die!
Jake
(gasp!) You're the assassin!
CCat
Me-Mow. Assassin, second class. But once I take out a princess... I g'aduate to full membership.
Jake
Well, I'm no princess, sister!
MMMe-Mow
Yes, I know. But since you've blown my cover, you will slay Wildberry Princess.
Jake
Whaat!? I'd rather be injected with poison!
MMMe-Mow
Oh. Uhh... okay.
Jake
Uhh.. I mean... I will assassinate Wildberry Princess!
MMMe-Mow
Good. Oh, and if you try to trick me, I'll poison you. [climbs into Jake's nose]
Jake
[squeaks] Mah nose!
MMMe-Mow
Blargh! It's like worn garbage up in here!
MMMe-Mow
You did it! Well done! I guess I'll be on my way.
BGBerry Guard 1
[running to Wildberry Princess with her crown] Princess! Oh, Princess!
BGBerry Guard 2
You're alive!
BGBerry Guard 1
We saw your crown next to a pile of dirty meat. [Me-Mow gets ticked off] Then we slipped on the meat! And I thought I tasted your juice, [sobbing] but it was just blood from the meat! WE'RE SO GLAD IT WASN'T ACTUALLY YOU!!!
MMMe-Mow
[snarls loudly] YOU LIAR!! [stabs nose wall with poison syringe]
Jake
[collapses] Ough!
MMMe-Mow
Okay, Jake. I've injected you with half the poison, and you'll be dead in 30 minutes, unless you kill the princess, which is when I'll give you the antidote. [Jakes grabs hold on Finn's shirt on the floor]
Jake
Finn! Help me!
MMMe-Mow
If you say anything, I'll stab you in the brain!
Jake
Finn, when I die, my individual Earth consciousness is gonna go all over everywhere while Glob tallies my deeds.
Jake
I'm gonna be all around you. In your nose and your dreams and socks — I'll be part of your Earth mind! It's gonna be great!
Dude... Stop. Saying. All this. Crazy. Nonsense. It's making me messed up. I'm 13. You're messin' me up.
Wait. Just let him walk a few more steps.
Jake
Why?
Because that idiot's about to walk right into the sun and burn up, and we'll be done with him.
Jake
No man, he's walking into his house!
[cut to Banana Man walking to his house against the sun in the distance]
Oh, what!? He built his house on the sun!? This guy's insane!
Jake
Finn, did you eat your breakfast?
Jake
Because you forgot how the sun works. The sun is actually far away. It's not sitting right on the horizon.
[beat] Oh. Right on. Let's chase after him!
Jake
You gotta eat your breakfast, man, you need that protein. Helps your brain!
Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Mom. Let's go!
"Hello, dear diary. Pretty good day so far. Got up bright and early, had a healthy and slimming breakfast, did fourteen minutes of cardio, and then I finally got around to..." [continues]
Jake
Dude... what are we watchin'?
I think it's the Ice King's diary.
"I mean, I'm not gonna win carpenter of the year or anything, but it's a place to hang up the old toothbrush." [a Gunther jumps on bed]
"Wenk." [walks to the camera]
"Gunther. Hey, Gunther. Get-get away from the camera, sweetie. Papa's recording his innermost thoughts. 'Member, I explained this to you? [Gunther rubs his belly] Hey, Gunther? [Gunther jumps up and down] GUNTHER!!"
"Well, anyway, as you can see, I'm not wearing my—"
"Sweetie, I raised my voice because you were giving me the silent treatment. You understand?"
Jake
Can we fast-forward?
N-No, man. We might miss something.
[sighs] "There must be more to life than this."
"I know, you don't like when I'm contemplative. C-Contemplative? No. Con-tem-plat— C— Let's put on a play!"
Jake
What?! [cut footage to Ice King in PB makeup and Gunther with crown and beard]
"Oh, Ice King, you're so cool! You take such good care of yourself! I wanna be with you! [Gunter then pulls off beard] No, Gunther, beard stays on."
"Gunther, I need you to wear the beard!"
Jake
Hey, pause it, Beemo.
There's gotta be some evil secrets in here. I wanna keep watching.
Jake
Okay.. Well, why don't I make us some snacks? [sluggish] So I don't have to watch this...
Can we sit on the floor? I feel so far away from you guys.
[Beemo inserts the last VHS tape inside itself. Loading to what seems to be... a person in an art gallery]
PPerson
"Hello. My name is Simon Petrikov. I am recording this tape so that people will know my story."
Oh no! Turn it off, Beemo, turn it off!!
"I was studying to be an antiquarian of ancient artifacts. Now I never believed in the supernatural stuff myself, just had a fascination with superstitions. But everything changed when I came into contact with this item."
[Simon slowly opens a safe and brings out a golden, three red gem-encrusted crown. Finn and Jake are surprised]
FJFinn & Jake
The Ice King! [both seated, with Ice King behind]
"After purchasing this crown from an old dock worker in northern Scandinavia, I brought it home and excitedly showed my fiancée Betty, and jokingly put it on my head just for a laugh or something. And that's when it started. The visions... I fought with them... Shouted at them until I realized it wasn't real, it was the crown!! I quickly took it off... and saw my fiancée in front of me — looking at me with such contempt. What had I said? What had I done when I wore this crown? All I know is I never saw Betty again."
[...]
"Since then, I see the visions always whether or not I wear the crown. They tell me the secrets... the secrets of the ice and snow... that the power of the crown will save me with its frost. I don't yet know what this means. As you can see, my skin is beginning to turn blue. My body temperature has been lowering at a supernatural rate, to what is now about 30 degrees Celsius. I don't know when it will end. I'm really scared."
[...]
"I know my mind is changing... but I'm already too far gone to know what to do. I want people to know that... if I do things... If I do things that hurt anyone, please.. please forgive me...."
[...]
"Just watch over me until I can find a way out of this labyrinth in my brain and regain my sanity!! And then maybe Betty, my princess... maybe you will love me again. [sobs] Please love me again, Betty!!"
[Finn crawls slowly down the bedroom ladder, turns back to Jake]
Jake
Why are you talking?!
I'm wondering if she's awake.
Jake
Well, if she's awake, she can definitely hear you talking!
Jake
Well, now we're both quietly screaming!!
[offscreen] I can hear both of you.
[they run up before Marceline turns the light on; see Jake shapeshifted into Finn and Finn with a lampshade over his head]
What are you bozos doing in my lair?
Jake
Dude, I think she sees us. [Finn takes off lampshade]
What the— Dude! You shape-changed to look like me?! [throws lampshade at Jake]
Jake
[beat] Yeah.
Hey! [hissing] Exssssplain yourselves.
[exhales deeply] We were playing hide-and-seek in your closet and you came home, so we hid in there all day. We saw... everything. And, oh Glob! [Jake jumps up and they hold each other] I mean, whatever you do to us, I just wanna say we're sorry!
Jake
So sorry!
Jake
What?!
I hide in your house all the time.
Hey, this table is wobbly. We gotta take it to the Lost Tinker Goblin of Fog Mountain to fix it.
Jake
Dude, I would love to go on some crazy, made-up adventure with you, but I really gotta read this. So from here on out, I'm just gonna ignore you.
Uh, Jake, can't we get rid of these clown nurses? They make me feel ridiculous.
Jake
No way, man.
Jake
Well, now you know we can't jump off of birds. [the big green clown nurse waves a milk-dipped cookie and drop into Jake's mouth] I paid them up front. They don't leave until the job's done. Besides... [honks her nose horn] they're funny. [HHHOOO-PWWOOO!!!] Heheheh! Look! She just farted!
CNClown Nurse
Time for our love therapy. [walks to Finn's bandaged toe]
Wait... what're they doing? [she smooches his toe] Whoa!! Stop!!
CNClown Nurse
Oh, my! Did that hurt, dear?!
No! I just don't want you kissing my toe!
CNClown Nurse
Now, now, honey. You gotta understand that this is the only way to foo-foo your boo-boo.
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!!
Jake
I don't know, but I feeling better already. Aah! That tickles!
GCGreen Clown Nurse
You want me to stop?
Jake
No, keep going. [she resumes smooching Jake's foot]
You're gross, man. [reads his Enchiridion] Look! "Deep in the forest of trees, there's a Cyclops whose magical tears can heal any wound." See?! SEE?!! [the clown nurse takes his Enchiridion away from him]
CNClown Nurse
Maybe you should leave the medical decisions to the medical professionals, and my professional prescription is... you toe need cu-razy smooches! It's the only way! [laughing manically]
JJake (Fake Finn)
You know, on second thought... we're not really each other's types.
JJake (Fake Finn)
I changed my mind. I don't like you.
You... [transforms again to her enraged form] WHAT?!
JJake (Fake Finn)
[terrified] Uh, nothing. [uses Fake Finn to pick himself up] Bye, Flambo! [runs for his life]
[The Fire Castle erupts, due to Flame Princess' rage]
[for a beat, Flame Princess awakes from the liquid pyrotechnics left by PB and confronts Finn, in a fit of rage]
You...! What's wrong with me, huh!? You don't like me!?
[beat. She becomes blushed for a while soon before enraged]
[she restores herself and slaps Finn on his left cheek]
Don't ever mess with me again!
[she storms out the window through Finn. He stares for a while, then turns to Jake]
Jake
The princess of the Fire Kingdom.... [Finn looks out, back]
Dude... I think I have a crush.
Adventure Time · 447 quotes
