PMPTA Mom 1
Oh, we do not joke about our Lord Jesus Christ.
(Laughs) It's a stupid t-shirt. We should ignore it.
Only one man died for my sins, Nancy. And his name wasn't Chris.
Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname?
S1 E4Fashion of the Christ
They wanted to suspend him.
For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it, Whoa! That's freedom of religion, that's like the first commandment; we could nail ‘em on that.
I don't think Chris is protected under "Freedom of Religion," Andy. In fact, the Angry Christian Moms I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.
Well that's so intolerant. I mean, what would Jesus do?
Not to mention the amount of shit I'm going to get from those Hypochristian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow.
You're the Candyman?
TThe "Candyman"
Yes, you getting any exercise?
Excuse me?
TThe "Candyman"
If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you.
I wouldn't say Heylia's in the best shape.
TThe "Candyman"
Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma. So I have no problem selling to her.
Why?
TThe "Candyman"
Scare her. Some people never learn until their life is on the line.
TThe "Candyman"
You know what you are?
What?
TThe "Candyman"
Skinny-fat. And what are we gonna do about that?
We're gonna start exercising right away.
TThe "Candyman"
Don't humor me. I'm very serious. I used to weigh 314 pounds.
Wow. Congratulations.
TThe "Candyman"
The key, exercise.
You know, I'm not buying for personal use.
TThe "Candyman"
Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats?
Well they're smokers. But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke, they can breathe easier should they decide to exercise.
TThe "Candyman"
That's a reasonable assumption.
I need to talk to you, you fucking perv.
Hey pants
Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.
The way I see it is you're in way over your head here. You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. Dealing is a full time job. You need some help, Nancy Pants.
Don't call me pants. Judah called me pants, not you.
Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back.
S1 E5Lude Awakening
GCGuidance Counselor
(Reading Shane's poetry/rap) My name is Shane/I bring the pain/ Up from the streets of Agrestic/Bitch, you don't wanna sweat this/I cap any motherfucker/You don't wanna test this/Be-
"Be-otch." I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.
GCGuidance Counselor
Well, you made a lot of people around this school very nervous.
Yeah? That's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys.
GCGuidance Counselor
I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch ass white boy.
Whatever, I don't care.
GCGuidance Counselor
I think you do care. A great deal.
Yeah, about what?
GCGuidance Counselor
You want approval from your peer group and when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out. In this case, through your rap.
Yeah, that's it. I just wanna fit in. Can I go now?
GCGuidance Counselor
Shane you're here, because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.
I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.
GCGuidance Counselor
How do I know that?
‘Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.
GCGuidance Counselor
You may go.
IMInsurance Man
With all due respect, sir, this is not the first time that a crate of carbonated beverages fell form a low flying Cessna and devastated a house.
You're kidding?
Hey, Doug.
Hey, Randy.
Andy, it's Andy.
Oh really? I thought... It's not Randy?
(Andy shakes his head)
I've always thought of you as a Randy.
Pretty sure.
Hmm, wow. Okay.
Lookin' for Nancy?
Yeah, I am, is she around?
No, you can try her cell phone.
Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?
Ha, yeah.
Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.
That's a strong endorsement.
It is. Oh... I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?
That'd be kinda weird
Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.
Hey hey hey, spoiler.
You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.
Come on in.
High on Ludes. Queen of the Roller Disco. I could fuck against a wall with my skates on, no easy feat.
Runway?
You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.
That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.
What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.
It's a taint.
Runway.
This is a taint.
Runway.
Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
The coffee table.
This for you Snowflake. This my special blend, I call this here Clark Kent. Just sniff this, right here. It's good, huh?! You smoke this shit and you just wanna rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime. I'm serious!
Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?
Yeah
Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?
She's in shock, slap her.
I ain't slappin' no white woman.
Move, I'll do it.
No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)
You sure?
Yeah (sniff).
all right, let's clean this shit up.
(Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?
Baby, that probably was the police.
I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.
We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?
Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.
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