DSDrill sergeant
Get your corn holly shit shit-stained asses over here!
What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.
S3 E4Sh*t Highway
Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?
Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.
[Silas meets the returning character of PTO Pam in his community service]
Mrs. Gruber?
PGPam Gruber
Silas!
PGPam Gruber
Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?
PGPam Gruber
[points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?
PGPam Gruber
[when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?
I'm fine.
PGPam Gruber
You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.
Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?
PGPam Gruber
Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?
I guess not!
PGPam Gruber
[suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!
[Silas goes back to work with a bewildered look]
[Silas goes for his community service but not before telling his mother he plans to sell her drugs to his fellow workers who are both unsupervised and "like to have fun"]
This is a non starter.
I will never let you deal.
You don't have the choice. I know you don't.
It's too dangerous. I don't want this for you. Come back here.
[Silas simply ignores her and walks out with the drugs]
We'll discuss this later.
SGSullivan Groff
[Of a french restaurant chain]Same menu, same framed posters, same smell. It has a certain ... comforting predictability to it.
S3 E5Bill Sussman
[scrubbing blood out of her car] I'm pretty sure something even more heinous is gonna happen to me, because that just seems to be the way it rolls! I really think I'm finding myself. [pulls off a rubber glove] Look at my hand. Nerves of steel!
Pretty steady.
That's what I'm talking about.
Well, this is all good. Meanwhile, a reconnaissance drone killed my battle buddy, and I'm going to die. I know too much. I was hoping for a shower, maybe a little nap. Um... [watches Nancy viciously wash the car] But you obviously are having a slow psychotic breakdown, so I'll just ask, do you have any money?
No, I don't. [laughs] I have a backseat full of blood. I have two license plates I may have to remove. I have an assistant's job that a monkey could do. I have a death wish. You're welcome to any of those sparkly gems.
S3 E6Grasshopper
[after Nancy tells him to cater a party] I don't remember volunteering my services. Maybe I have plans tomorrow. Maybe I have a play date. [Nancy grabs him]
You live here for free.
Yes.
You eat my food. You wipe your ass with my toilet paper. I don't have to ask you shit.
Can you convince Mom that I'm better off sitting home all summer than stuck in a classroom full of religious zealots proselytizing a form of fundamentalism that's two clicks away from jihad?
S3 E7He Taught Me How to Drive-By
Do you really think evolution is a lie?
TTara
Well, I believe that I'm descended from Adam and Eve, and not a monkey.
So, natural selection, Darwinism, empirical data, none of that factors in for you?
TTara
Evolution is just a theory. I mean that's why they call it the Theory of Evolution and not the Fact of Evolution.
Oh, what about-
Hey, you asked your question. Now, shut the fuck up.
Silas, don't swear at your brother. Shane, don't antagonize Tara. Tara, keep saving it for the Lord! Where the fuck's Andy?
S3 E8The Two Mrs. Scottsons
Doug, you're cooking in my kitchen. There's a reason for that?
Andy's on set. I'm helping him out.
Oh, that's nice. [picks up an envelope on the counter]
Oh, that's from the tall one. Leif Garretty, "Blue Lagoon"-ish?
Silas?
Yeah. Said you were out of weed, then he took off with a blonde. Tiny tits, big cross?
Tara.
And your other one. Big vocab, creepy eyes?
Shane.
He's outside with what's-her-name. Celia's dyke.
Isabelle.
S3 E11Cankles
Did you know that we're poor? We're really poor.
Maybe we should cut down on our liquor purchases.
Oh, no. All the poor drink. Yeah, I saw the poor this morning. They all had bottles in paper bags. That's what I need... A paper bag.
Wonderful idea. You could put your bottle in it and then vomit in it when you're done.
I don't vomit from drinking. I vomit when I think about my life.
S3 E14Protection
[Conrad has to answer the door when someone approaches Celia's rented drug grow house]
MAA middle-aged woman
[sees Conrad through the door's hatch and is rather surprised an African-American lives in the neighborhood] Oh...
Can I help you?
MAA middle-aged woman
Uh, [the initial shock slowly fades away] hello. I'm Eve Meriweather.
Good for you.
[Eve Meriweather tells Conrad she goes door-to-door to ask neighbors about any suspicious behavior]
Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?
Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]
Someone stole your cross?
Yes.
That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?
Jews.
Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.
Well, they're mostly urban.
[Vaneeta, who carries her baby, approaches Celia's rented drug grow house and stumbles into Eve Meriweather]
Well, look at him. Hello, baby. Uh...why are little black babies always so adorable?
Why are white babies always so ugly?
[Conrad tries to say goodbye and close the door, but Eve Meriweather stops the door and shoves her head inside]
[with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...
Sure. Church. Praise the lord.
Hallelujah.
[Eve Meriweather leaves singing to herself and with her hand raised in victory]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Weeds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.