Weeds quotes

122 total quotes

All Seasons  Season 1  
Season 3
  Season 4   Season 5  

Celia Hodes: Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?
Doug Wilson: Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.

Drill sergeant: Get your corn holly shit shit-stained asses over here!
Andy Botwin: What's with all the...recurring homophobic imagery? I'm starting to worry about this guy.

Fireman: [upon entering Conrad's grow-house] Holy shit! I think they shot "Peckers of the Caribbean" here!

Guillermo: [talking about the fire he stared] And it goes like that, just over and over, all the way south to Mexico. [nods his head forward]
Nancy Botwin: [whispering to his ear] You're facing west.
Guillermo: See, I could use you. You tell me which way is south. [rubbing against her] You be my navigator.
Nancy Botwin: Hand off the ass.

Isabelle Hodes: She's got a great ass, your mom.
Shane Botwin: Don't be gross.

News anchor: Apparently, a religious group chanting "Jesus will protect us" forced their way into the burning house in an attempt to rescue the Majestic cross. Now those members are being treated at a nearby hospital for minor burns and smoke inhalation. [turns to face a gurney bound Tara] Can you tell us why you ran into a burning house?
Tara Lindman: The Lord told us to go.
Silas Botwin: [watching the news] Okay, I'm over her.

[after her rented grow house is discovered, Celia is called in for questioning, but the detectives just stare at her quietly]
Celia Hodes: Nancy Botwin.
Season 4

[at the evacuation center]
Doug Wilson: [playing a banjo and singing around a christian group that reaches ecstasy in their prayers against the fire] The Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are singing, the Jesus freaks are all singing. They're annoying, self-righteous and lame. [imitates their ecstasy] Everybody, come on, all together.

[at the evacuation center]
Doug Wilson: [walking around people playing a guitar and singing] Well, this is just like the Superdome except no rape or piles of human waste. It's still not quite like home even though we got wi-fi, some cookies and toothpaste. Yeah, it's just like the Superdome 'cept everyone's white and middle-class. We got some yoga people chanting, oh, there's lots of Gatorade and toilet paper to wipe our ass. This is just like the Superdo-doh-ome.

[Captain Roy Till investigates Sullivan Groff about the discovered grow house that is under his name]
Sullivan Groff: My company bought it, and then I gave it to Celia.
Captain Roy Till: Now, why would you give this Celia person a house, Mr. Groff?
Sullivan Groff: Because she was my lover. And it was good. And she was getting a divorce, and she wanted a house. But I couldn't put it in her name because the divorce hadn't gone through yet. The power of passion makes you do crazy things. Captain Till, is it?
Captain Roy Till: Okay, so you buy her a house, and I assume you're fucking her in said house, she of the magical house-earning pussy - did you not notice the many marijuana plants that were growing in her living room?
Sullivan Groff: Well, we broke up a few weeks ago, so she must have started growing it right after that. You know, it's funny. I would have never pegged her as the drug-dealing type. She's a very complicated woman.
Captain Roy Till: Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a porsche?

[Conrad has to answer the door when someone approaches Celia's rented drug grow house]
A middle-aged woman: [sees Conrad through the door's hatch and is rather surprised an African-American lives in the neighborhood] Oh...
Conrad Shepard: Can I help you?
A middle-aged woman: Uh, [the initial shock slowly fades away] hello. I'm Eve Meriweather.
Conrad Shepard: Good for you.

[Conrad tries to say goodbye and close the door, but Eve Meriweather stops the door and shoves her head inside]
Eve Meriweather: [with a wicked smile] See you all in church, I hope...
Conrad Shepard: Sure. Church. Praise the lord.
Vaneeta: Hallelujah.
[Eve Meriweather leaves singing to herself and with her hand raised in victory]

[Eve Meriweather tells Conrad she goes door-to-door to ask neighbors about any suspicious behavior]
Conrad Shepard: Uh, what is it I'm supposed to be looking out for?
Eve Meriweather: Oh, why our cross, of course. [hands him over an article from the newspaper]
Conrad Shepard: Someone stole your cross?
Eve Meriweather: Yes.
Conrad Shepard: That is a damn shame. Who would do something like that?
Eve Meriweather: Jews.
Conrad Shepard: Hmm, I haven't seen it. Haven't seen many Jews around here, either.
Eve Meriweather: Well, they're mostly urban.

[Silas goes for his community service but not before telling his mother he plans to sell her drugs to his fellow workers who are both unsupervised and "like to have fun"]
Silas Botwin: This is a non starter.
Nancy Botwin: I will never let you deal.
Silas Botwin: You don't have the choice. I know you don't.
Nancy Botwin: It's too dangerous. I don't want this for you. Come back here.
[Silas simply ignores her and walks out with the drugs]
Nancy Botwin: We'll discuss this later.

[Silas meets the returning character of PTO Pam in his community service]
Silas Botwin: Mrs. Gruber?
Pam Gruber: Silas!
Pam Gruber: Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien, you can randomly blackout and run your car onto a boulder?
Pam Gruber: [points to a fellow community service worker] Who's that cute Latino guy?
Pam Gruber: [when Silas ignores her] It's so hot! Why don't you take your shirt off?
Silas Botwin: I'm fine.
Pam Gruber: You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're...you're young and lean like ostrich meat.
Silas Botwin: Have you been drinking, Mrs. Gruber?
Pam Gruber: Don't tell! Anyway, it isn't illegal unless you're behind the wheel of a car, is it?
Silas Botwin: I guess not!
Pam Gruber: [suddenly leans up to Silas and whispers in his ear] I'm wet!
[Silas goes back to work with a bewildered look]