GCGuidance Counselor
(Reading Shane's poetry/rap) My name is Shane/I bring the pain/ Up from the streets of Agrestic/Bitch, you don't wanna sweat this/I cap any motherfucker/You don't wanna test this/Be-
"Be-otch." I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.
GCGuidance Counselor
Well, you made a lot of people around this school very nervous.
Yeah? That's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys.
GCGuidance Counselor
I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch ass white boy.
GCGuidance Counselor
I think you do care. A great deal.
GCGuidance Counselor
You want approval from your peer group and when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out. In this case, through your rap.
Yeah, that's it. I just wanna fit in. Can I go now?
GCGuidance Counselor
Shane you're here, because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.
I'm not gonna cap any motherfuckers.
GCGuidance Counselor
How do I know that?
‘Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.
GCGuidance Counselor
You may go.
Oh really? I thought... It's not Randy?
I've always thought of you as a Randy.
Yeah, I am, is she around?
No, you can try her cell phone.
Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?
Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.
That's a strong endorsement.
It is. Oh... I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?
Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.
You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.
You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.
That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.
What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.
Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?
Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?
She's in shock, slap her.
I ain't slappin' no white woman.
No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)
all right, let's clean this shit up.
(Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?
Baby, that probably was the police.
I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.
We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?
Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.
Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.
I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!
I can't do this right now.
You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.
Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
(Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.
Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.
This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.
Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.
Celia, you can't smoke in here.
BFBig Fun PTA Mom
Second hand smoke kills.
Celia, did you bring your muffins?
I didn't feel like baking.
None of us ever feels like baking.
Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.
Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?
I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.
So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?
(Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.
CCop
Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?
Nice bike. Did your horse die?
You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.
CCop
May I see your driver's license and registration please.
When you arrest people do you ride ‘em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?
CCop
Step out of the car.
Oh, come on. Seriously? I'm just having fun. You're a cop in bike shorts. It's adorable.
Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.
‘Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?
GMs. Greenstein
Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.
GMs. Greenstein
Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.
GMs. Greenstein
You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.
GMs. Greenstein
I don't understand, that's good news.
I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.
They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.
GMs. Greenstein
Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?
GMs. Greenstein
That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.
What if the marijuana is in baked goods – say, candy or chocolate?
GMs. Greenstein
(Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.
What would get their attention?
If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?
GMs. Greenstein
All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.
GMs. Greenstein
Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.
GMs. Greenstein
Probation.
So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?
GMs. Greenstein
Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.
Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.
GMs. Greenstein
What's your business?
GMs. Greenstein
Smart cover. Call anytime.
