Weeds quotes

122 total quotes

All Seasons  Season 1   Season 3  
Season 4
  Season 5  

Andy Botwin: [about Maria (Mermex)] Look, she's probably scared. I mean, she's totally out of her element. Make her feel comfortable.
Doug Wilson: How do I do that?
Andy Botwin: You talk to her.
Doug Wilson: Okay. Alright. Talk to her. About what?
Andy Botwin: About anything. On the way over here, we had great talks. She grew up in an orphanage. Start there.
Doug Wilson: She's an orphan?
Andy Botwin: Yeah.
Doug Wilson: Sweet. Daddy issues. Age difference should work in my favor.

Andy Botwin: [after confessing to Doug of having sex with Maria] It will never happen again.
Maria (Mermex): [to Andy] It will. It will happen many times.

Andy Botwin: [trying to plea the Minute-Man Leader to lower his gun] Do you see this girl here? This is the love of his life.
[Doug Wilson nods in agreement]
Andy Botwin: She's the woman that he's gonna marry.
Doug Wilson: Whoa, whoa, rushing things a bit, Andy, be cool.

Celia Hodes: [to her daughter] And I'm sorry for the massive body issues I have given you. And I'm sorry for judging your lifestyle choice. If you want to love the ladies, love those ladies. Vagina power! I'll buy you a big strap-on for Hanukkah.
Season 5

Celia Hodes: [to her drug rehab group] We're all like one big, wonderful, dysfunctional family, and I love you guys.

Celia Hodes: I thought I had hit bottom. But after hearing your stories, I realize it could be so much worse. The truth is, none of you have *any* chance in *hell* of ever pulling your lives back together, if you even had lives to begin with. As I have listened to your tales of burning wreckage and shattered existence, I realize that I...am the only one here that has any chance at all - a chance to make amends...and to start over...fresh.
Drug rehab's group counselor: [after Celia leaves] Stupid-ass bitch.

Doug Wilson: [to Maria (Mermex)] You're gonna love this country. The land of freedom and opportunity. And...[turns it on] air conditioning. Ah, do you like that? That's the cool breeze of freedom right there.

Doug Wilson: [to old woman in bar] Listen, you cock-juggling thunder cunt...

Doug Wilson: As soon as we figure out our next venture, I want to get a bigger place. I'm thinking generic mexican pharmaceuticals. Sell them to old people with no insurance. What do you think?

Doug Wilson: I'm a sidekick, Andy. I'm a sad and lonely sidekick. I'm Andrew Ridgeley.
Andy Botwin: What? He's the other guy in Wham! The guy who doesn't blow people in public bathrooms. He had a solo album. I never bought it, but...
Doug Wilson: I bought it, Andy. It sucked.
Raul: "El Andy"...this is the woman your depressed amigo [Doug] searches for?
Doug Wilson: People don't even talk to sidekicks. It's like I'm not even here.
Andy Botwin: That's the one, Raul.
Raul: We will help the sad, tall, angry, baby man find her.

Drug rehab secretary: We ran your insurance info a few times, and it's not exactly accurate.
Celia Hodes: What seems to be the problem?
Drug rehab secretary: You don't have any. The policy number you gave us belongs to an individual who is deceased...and Korean.

El Coyote: [pointing a gun at Andy] I will shoot your knee and shoot your balls. I will shoot your belly...and feed you to the sewer rats.
Doug Wilson: Does that mean that I can go?

El Coyote: [pointing a gun at Andy] It is time to pay, cabrón.
Andy Botwin: [to Doug] That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy. The one who tried to rape Reyna and stab me in the neck.
Doug Wilson: I pictured him taller.

Lenny Botwin: [complaining to his grandchildren about how Andy was as a child] I asked that prick over there to pedal his little bicycle, which I bought him, up to Del Mar and throw down $100 on a sure thing.
Andy Botwin: Father of the year.
Lenny Botwin: What the fuck does he do? He pockets it. Goes out and buys himself some Star Trek piece of shit.
Andy Botwin: It was Boba Fett.
Lenny Botwin: I don't even know what that means!

Maria (Mermex): [grabs Andy's naked crotch] You are excited.
Andy Botwin: No, no. It's just windy out.
Maria (Mermex): I do not think it is the wind.
Andy Botwin: [trying to resist himself as she kisses her way down] Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs. Lou Dobbs!