Shit, white folks get soda pop, niggas get bullets.
S1 E5Lude Awakening
Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.
Please leave.
I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!
I can't do this right now.
You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.
Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.
If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
(Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.
Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.
This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.
Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.
Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.
Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.
Celia, you can't smoke in here.
Because...?
BFBig Fun PTA Mom
Second hand smoke kills.
Celia, did you bring your muffins?
I didn't feel like baking.
None of us ever feels like baking.
I love baking.
Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.
Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?
18.95.
I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.
So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?
(Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.
CCop
Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?
Nice bike. Did your horse die?
CCop
Sir –
You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.
CCop
May I see your driver's license and registration please.
When you arrest people do you ride ‘em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?
CCop
Step out of the car.
Oh, come on. Seriously? I'm just having fun. You're a cop in bike shorts. It's adorable.
CCop
I have a gun.
Cool, I'm cool.
You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.
I got sent to the school shrink. They'll probably be calling you.
Oh, not again, why this time.
I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler, with my Gat.
Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.
‘Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?
GMs. Greenstein
Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.
10 years?
GMs. Greenstein
Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.
So, no jail time?
GMs. Greenstein
You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.
Oh, that's bullshit.
GMs. Greenstein
I don't understand, that's good news.
I paid for a full ounce. They fuckin' cheated me.
They fuckin' saved your ass from going to jail.
GMs. Greenstein
Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?
GMs. Greenstein
That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.
What if the marijuana is in baked goods – say, candy or chocolate?
GMs. Greenstein
(Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.
What would get their attention?
If I sued ‘em, can I sue ‘em?
GMs. Greenstein
All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.
What about growing?
GMs. Greenstein
Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.
Years?
GMs. Greenstein
Probation.
So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?
GMs. Greenstein
Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.
Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.
GMs. Greenstein
What's your business?
I own a bakery.
GMs. Greenstein
Smart cover. Call anytime.
Is your mom home?
Not yet, she went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.
Well, tell her I stopped by.
Okay... I like your jacket.
Well, thank you, Shane. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.
Everyone thinks I'm weird.
Well, I can see how you might give that impression.
I really don't care what they think.
Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.
Really?
Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks and I've gotta tell ya, I feel great.
But you have cancer.
And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.
Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.
For what?
For telling me the truth.
You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?
I was thinking of going bigger.
Bigger?
Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.
I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.
Sorry. I took a lude.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Weeds pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.