Keith Mars quotes from Veronica Mars

Keith

Veronica, we need to talk.

Veronica

[in Southern accent] He's a fine gentleman, Pa. He'll come up with the dowry to marry me, just you wait.

Veronica

I'll be at home. With the only sane member of the Mars family.

Keith

The one who eats from the garbage and keeps bringing me dead birds?

Veronica

That's the one.

Keith

How was school?

Veronica

You know - mean kids, indifferent teachers, crumbling infrastructure.

Tell me this is a joke. You want to sue the Kane family?

Keith

Yes.

Please tell me there's another Kane family in town. Maybe a Boris and Gilda Kane?

Keith

So, senior year. How was your first day at school honey?

Veronica

Great! I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.

Keith

What, no pre-marital sex?

Veronica

Oh, yea... yes. But don't worry dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.

Keith

That's my girl.

Veronica

I missed you.

Keith

[While they hug] I missed you too. Now, where is my turkey pot-pie, woman?

Keith

What's up, honey?

Veronica

Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.

Keith

Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

Veronica

This is a health class project. Come on, you're a man -- can you give him some pointers?

Keith

[sighs, walks over to bathroom door] Wallace?

Wallace

Yup?

Keith

You try turning the water on?

Wallace

Mmmm-hmmm.

Keith

Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.

Veronica

[pushes her dad out of the room] Eww that's disgusting. I can't even look at you. [giggles]

Veronica

Hey Dad!

Keith

Yeah honey.

Veronica

If I know the name of a business how do I find out the names of its' shareholders?

Keith

You get the strangest homework in health class.

Veronica

It sounds like you don't need a photographer from the "Neptune Navigator" who knows how to shoot your good side.

Keith

I got nothing but good sides, baby.

Keith

Look who got an invite to the Sheriff Department's Fundraiser/Bachelor Auction.

Veronica

Please say "Veronica Mars."

Keith

Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can. I'm wondering if they'll sell Sheriff Lamb by the pound.

Keith

When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

Veronica

Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.

Keith

You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. [notices smell and starts sniffing Veronica's jacket]

Veronica

Whoa, you two need to be alone?

Keith

I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.

Veronica

Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Good Night, Moon."

Keith

[holds out jacket] 'Splain.

Lamb

[admiring himself in the mirror after bench pressing] You know, Keith, you really should've done more to push fitness when you were here.

Keith

Yeah, I was going to get to that, but the crime-fighting kept getting in the way.

Veronica

Jackie and I aren't exactly the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. She's not what you'd call huggable.

Keith

Whereas you warm right up to people? Hmm.

Veronica

Hmm

Keith

Hmm.

I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. [shows Lamb a photo of him and Madison]

Keith

That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.

Lamb

[looks around, lowers his voice] So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.

Keith

Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. [shows him a "campaign flyer": 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Lamb]

Keith

You´re back early.

Veronica

Yeah, I ditched the goodbye hugging, can you believe it?

Keith

You? Miss Hug. So you must be tired. Why don´t you lie in your...[interrupted by knocking]

Is Keith here?

Veronica

Dad... your hooker's here.

Keith

Escort, honey... So why don´t you go to your room and do your... blog or whatever you kids do.

Keith

My coat?

Clemmons

Right. It's in the closet.

Keith

[opens the door and sees Veronica hiding inside] Yup. That's mine, all right.