Veep quotes

Amy

Mike, talk to me. I am in a room with three people and a fuckload of quiche.

Amy

So, Dan, Are you enjoying working for Hallowes?

Dan

Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.

Gary

[about the coffee machine] Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot.

Dan

It's a nice bag, Gary.

Amy

You know, he calls that "The Leviathan."

Dan

Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy?

Gary

[still about the machine] Is there a pouch or something that I put into this?

Dan

Jesus fucking Christ. All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds. Oh, it's so easy.

Gary

Too quick, I didn't see it.

Dan

Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fuckin' bitch bag.

Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard.

Selina

I know.

I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there.

Dan

[laughs] That's a good one.

Dan

I really admired your primaries campaign.

Selina

Oh, how nice. Thank you very much.

Dan

Two things I would have done differently.

Selina

Two things? Oh, no kidding. What are they?

Dan

I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, made you seem mean before you had to be. But, I mean, hey, you're the old pro here.

Gary

Ooh!

Dan

You're the pro.

Selina

Okay. What do you think of Dan?

Amy

Oh, Dan is a shit.

Selina

You want to expand on that?

Amy

Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.

Selina

See, I—

Amy

'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.

Mike

Just a small change in the speech.

Selina

What is that?

Mike

Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.

Selina

This has been pencil-fucked completely?

Mike

Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.

Selina

That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.

Jonah

Uh, guys, a man is dead. When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.

Dan

Take a good look at me, okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog.

Selina

Oh, my God, this heat is just unbearable.

Gary

I feel like a gecko.

Amy

Sorry to interrupt, but fuck-a-deedoo-dah, fuck-a-dee-ay! Martin at the White House.

Selina

What?

Amy

"Clean Jobs task force likely to be green lit!" Exclamation point.

Selina

Yeah! Oh, my God! That is so great for me!

Amy

And the country.

Selina

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Oh, Amy. Good job, Amy.

Amy

That's why I get paid the medium bucks.

Selina

Come on, let's go somewhere. Let's meet the public.

Mike

You want to normalize it?

Selina

Yes, exactly. I want to meet some regulars normals. Where we gonna find them?

Mike

Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.

Amy

Uh... When was this Two point me meeting with Selina?

Dan

Oh, are you still tracking my every move? I thought we agreed to move on.

Amy

Move on from what? We dated for like a week. It was like getting over mild food poisoning.

Dan

Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.

Amy

Fuck point you.

Jonah

Whassup, as they say in the late '90s?

Selina

Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier to come to my 20th party?

Jonah

No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. [Selina fakes a laugh] I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.

Selina

What? There is no rift. It was one tiny little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something.

Gary

She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads.

Amy

Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?

Mike

I'm still working on it, Amy.

Amy

Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.

Mike

Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?

Amy

Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?

Mike

Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.

Amy

And there it is.

You dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize.

Dan

No, I did. I signed off with colon open brackets.

Listen, is Selina really trying to appease the oil lobby with Chuck Furnham?

Dan

I suppose Chuck could be viewed as a gesture.

Chuck is a gesture all right. [gives the middle finger] Do you know what these oil wise guys call him? They call him "who the fuck is Chuck Furnham?"