Mike McLintock quotes from Veep

Mike

Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain. What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats?

Mike

[to Dan] You still pissed you can't get in with Kent? Nobody can, he's half-robot, half... robot. He's a robot.

Mike

[into Siri] Call Dickhead.

Mike

You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.

Mike

[regarding Selina's new campaign "platform"] She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.

Mike

We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer. But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved m... [checks earpiece] I'm sorry. Breaking news. I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88. The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Philadelphia 2 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family. Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama, and moved audiences both young and old. Today the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure. Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.

Mike

Just a small change in the speech.

Selina

What is that?

Mike

Plastics apparently talked to the President. The White House doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. Just wing it.

Selina

This has been pencil-fucked completely?

Mike

Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.

Selina

That's the entire speech, okay? What's left here? I've got "hello" and I have... prepositions.

Selina

Come on, let's go somewhere. Let's meet the public.

Mike

You want to normalize it?

Selina

Yes, exactly. I want to meet some regulars normals. Where we gonna find them?

Mike

Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.

Amy

Uh, Mike, have you announced Chuck yet?

Mike

I'm still working on it, Amy.

Amy

Oh, come on. This is not the Hoover Dam.

Mike

Yeah, it is the Hoover Dam... filled with shit. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that shit, Amy?

Amy

Uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?

Mike

Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.

Amy

And there it is.

Mike

You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?

Sue

Am I sure? [stares him down]

Mike

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.

Sue

I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Mike

You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.

Dan

Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Selina

Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?

Dan

Mm-hmm.

Mike

Mm-hmm.

Selina

Who's gonna go first?

Mike

Ladies first.

Selina

So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.

Dan

Sure. This is class genocide.

Selina

This is this um, huh?

Dan

This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.

Selina

Okay.

Dan

Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.

Selina

Wow.

Gary

Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?

Selina

Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...

Mike

My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...

Selina

All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.

Mike

Which way are you gonna vote?

Selina

The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.

Amy

Okay.

Selina

Which way do you think that should be?

Amy

Selina might be pregnant. What do we wanna do?

Mike

Is this for real? 'Cause if it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.

Gary

Selina's had a miscarriage.

Dan

Well, this is good for us.

Amy

Nicely done, Dandroid.

Mike

How is she?

Dan

Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.

Sue

That's deep space cold, Dan.

Mike

Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.

Amy

Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.

Selina

Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?

Amy

Yeah...

Selina

What?

Amy

Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our fucking records? Full disclosure.

Selina

Are you serious?

Amy

Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.

Mike

Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.

Amy

So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.

Selina

Dan, what do you think about this?

Dan

I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.

Amy

Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to— God, I am so sorry.

Selina

Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?

Mike

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.

Mike

The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.

Selina

Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?

Amy

Sure.

Selina

So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.