Marjorie quotes from Veep

Marjorie

[about Richard] I've never been more proud that I taught that man to ejaculate into a cup.

Selina

Catherine and Marjorie, can you gals go outside and get some wood to start a fire?

Marjorie

Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.

Selina

Well, that's terrifying.

Well, your sperm count looks normal, but the motility is abnormally low, which means, I'm sorry to say, that it may be virtually impossible for you to conceive.

Dan

Seriously?

Catherine

I'm so sorry, Dan...

Dan

So I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?

Marjorie

Well, that has nothing...

Dan

Oh, I am gonna save a fortune in Morning After pills! There are, like, three girls who owe me an abortion refund.

Richard

I've never done this before.

Catherine

Well, you just go in there, and...

Richard

No, I mean I've never, ah, "shook the Devil's hand".

Marjorie

You mean... masturbate?

Richard

Well, "self-husband". Does it hurt?

Catherine

No, no, Richard...

Marjorie

How is that possible?

Richard

Well, my family in Iowa is pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin, like microwaves or laughter.

Catherine

Do you need a minute?

Richard

No. Worse comes to worse, I'll just burn in hell, like Grandma Splett.

Catherine

We should get going. We're actually doing a "Herstorical" tour of great female Southern writers.

Marjorie

And where they killed themselves.

Marjorie

I'm sorry about Catherine, ma'am. She's suffering from post-partum depression.

Selina

How can you tell?

Gary

Well, the haircut...