Richard quotes from Veep

Tom James

[after hearing about the data leak] Y'know, I could kick over chairs and scream "How in the risen fuck did this happen?" What's the point? It's done. I say we move on. Together, the Magnificent Seven!

Kent

He's really good.

Richard

It's 'cause there's seven of us!

Kent

I meant as a politician.

Richard

I know, I know.

Dan

You could just hit the fucking gas, Jonah.

Jonah

Dan, I'm not getting a ticket, okay? That's the sort of thing that comes back to bite you when you run for office.

Dan

Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.

Jonah

Okay, new rule in the cube: if your name begins with "D," you need to shut the fuck up immediately!

Richard

I'm fine because my name begins with an "R."

Dan

Not if we shorten it to "Dick."

Richard

These are from the president's last set of precinct changes for the recount challenge?

Dan

Yes, and the changes before that and the changes before that. She's changed her mind more times than a frickin' child molester at Disneyland.

Jonah

Oh, also, we got to get some eye candy in here. You know, hire some hot interns.

Richard

Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of resumes from New Hampshire. One of them was a phone number on a bar napkin.

Jonah

No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for "it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes."

Richard

Ma'am, I tried everyone on the finance committee...

Selina

Yeah?

Richard

...and they all said no.

Selina

All of them?

Richard

They all said no very fast.

Richard

The Judiciary Committee has asked you to send them everything you've ever written on abortion.

Selina

Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I can find it lying around here somewhere.

Richard

I'll check the freezer.

Richard

I've never done this before.

Catherine

Well, you just go in there, and...

Richard

No, I mean I've never, ah, "shook the Devil's hand".

Marjorie

You mean... masturbate?

Richard

Well, "self-husband". Does it hurt?

Catherine

No, no, Richard...

Marjorie

How is that possible?

Richard

Well, my family in Iowa is pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin, like microwaves or laughter.

Catherine

Do you need a minute?

Richard

No. Worse comes to worse, I'll just burn in hell, like Grandma Splett.

Mike

I had an aunt who transitioned twice. She was trapped inside of a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman.

Richard

Oh, like a turducken.

Teddy

Apparently, there has been an anonymous posting about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, one-and-done congresstard" who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner.

Jonah

OK, well, that could be anybody.

Richard

Sounds like you.

Teddy

Jonah, who have you traumatised? And start with the doctor who delivered you.

Jonah

I haven't traumatised anyone!

Richard

Well, there's your aide, Emma Gray.

Jonah

Shnozz? She's stuck up - I was just calling her on it.

Richard

Councilwomen Troy and Desconi.

Jonah

Monster Tits and Monster Tits Junior? But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they have bras big enough to handle all that meat.

Richard

At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.

Jonah

Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. He's a man, too, Teddy.

Teddy

OK, listen Jonah, if anyone asks, just tell them you've been chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about, and believe me, nobody checks.

Catherine

This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral. Even the governor's here. Who are all these people?

Richard

Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one form of tourism, after tornado chasing and coming into town to buy Sudafed.

Dan

Sorry, Mayor Splett, this is Sidney Purcell. He represents the very good people at Con Ag Chem Family Farms.

Sidney

Ah, well this man needs no introduction, please, the 7/11 Mayor himself.

Richard

Would you care to join us?

Sidney

Yeah, don't mind if I do. That's a great idea. You know, I'm actually really glad that I happened to run into you, there's a vote coming up in the State Senate, uh, regarding pesticide regulations . . . and there's an empty seat up there. Do you know anything about pesticides?

Richard

Not as much as I'd like.

Sidney

That empty seat in the State Senate . . . it could be yours.

Richard

You know down at the feed store, they're saying your new seeds cause cancer.

Sidney

Well, we've paid for seven studies that say that it doesn't . . .

Dan

Seven? Wow. Well, it's good enough for me, I mean you can't—can't argue with science.

Sidney

Lucky Seven, that's right.

Dan

I'm gonna get some drinks, you guys stay here. Talk. Get to know each other.

Sidney

You know what I want, Dan. What do you want, Mayor?

Richard

Well, to read those reports.

Richard

This has been a very difficult decision, but no, I will not be running for State Senate. There's just so many things I still want to do for the good people here in Lurlene. Like my own pet issue, which as many of you know, is pet issues. And I certainly hope I'm not letting anyone down, especially my new friend Sidney.

Are you referring to Sidney Purcell, the Con Ag Chem Fam Farms lobbyist?

Dan

[Dan tries to usher him away] You know what guys, I'm so sorry, we don't have any time for any more questions.

Richard

Actually Dan, that did sound like a question. Yes, Sidney Purcell. Super generous guy. Offered me all sorts of great stuff, like brand new kitchen appliances . . . or a brand new hot-tub like the lieutenant governor has . . . oh but I'm not supposed to talk about that.

Mayor Splett, are you saying that Con Ag Chem made you an offer to run for office?

Dan

No, no, no, that's not what he said; he didn't say that.

Richard

No, no, no, Dan is right. Uh Sidney made the offer. Con Ag Chem is a company, it can't talk. [He laughs] Hilarious, though, talking company. Where would the mouth even be?