Teddy quotes from Veep

Teddy

[to Jonah] Hey, I Am Groot, stop swapping spit here with Pretty Woman, and get me Brock and Hunter!

Teddy

Are you kidding me, you 80-story skyraper!

Teddy

Apparently, there has been an anonymous posting about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, one-and-done congresstard" who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner.

Jonah

OK, well, that could be anybody.

Richard

Sounds like you.

Teddy

Jonah, who have you traumatised? And start with the doctor who delivered you.

Jonah

I haven't traumatised anyone!

Richard

Well, there's your aide, Emma Gray.

Jonah

Shnozz? She's stuck up - I was just calling her on it.

Richard

Councilwomen Troy and Desconi.

Jonah

Monster Tits and Monster Tits Junior? But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they have bras big enough to handle all that meat.

Richard

At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.

Jonah

Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. He's a man, too, Teddy.

Teddy

OK, listen Jonah, if anyone asks, just tell them you've been chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about, and believe me, nobody checks.

Teddy

Jonah, we focused tested the ad, and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.

Jonah

Hey, I don't see vagina color.

Jonah

There are some—I know, I know—there are a lot of people out there saying that I shouldn't be president. The NEA, the AMA, the AFL-CIO, the UCLA. And you know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence, or the tentriment to be president? My very own campaign staff. Yeah. They have been working against me, trying to stop me from being president. Yeah. No that's right, you can boo 'em, go ahead. [people start booing] Go ahead, boo, yeah. That is my campaign chair Amy Brookheimer—she recently had an abortion! That is my chief strategist Teddy Sykes. He is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated! And this—and that guy right there, that's . . . Eric something?

Bill

[incredulous] Bill Ericsson!

Jonah

That's Eric Bill Ericsson and I don't exactly know what his title is, but he thinks he's better than me, and he thinks he's better than everyone in this room. And one more thing. I just found out from my stupid stepfather—

Teddy

Father-in-law!

Jonah

From my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was invented by Muslims . . . [people gasp] Yeah, and we teach this Islamic math . . . to children. These math teachers are terrorists! Algebra? More like Al Jazeera! Under a Ryan Presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children! There will be no more math. No more math! No more math! No more math! [people start chanting; Jonah accidentally punches his wife whilst fist-pumping] No—are you—she's fine!