Tom James quotes from Veep

Tom James

What a great convention! Best one in four years.

Tom James

Madam President, I am here to serve. You are the sun, I the moon. Of Jupiter. Not even one of the good ones.

Tom James

Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl.

Tom James

Sometimes you have to gamble. Unfortunately, our horse did not win.

Selina

No, it certainly didn't! It fell at the first fence and it got shot, and now some French fucker's got it in a baguette!

Tom James

[after hearing about the data leak] Y'know, I could kick over chairs and scream "How in the risen fuck did this happen?" What's the point? It's done. I say we move on. Together, the Magnificent Seven!

Kent

He's really good.

Richard

It's 'cause there's seven of us!

Kent

I meant as a politician.

Richard

I know, I know.

Tom

I dunno what this is about.

Ben

Good point. Dan and Amy; they're being paid cash from the campaign fund to bring down the bill! There, you've been blooded, so, join the circle jerk, grab a dick.

Tom James

EVERYONE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLES!!! The president is not sick! You guys are! You're parasites, you're like an infestation of mediocrity! [to Bill Ericsson] I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster, [to Mike] you're a Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin, [to Kent] and Nazi Doctor! [to Gary] I don't even know what the fuck you are! This is not about serving yourselves, this is about serving the president. So lets do that shall we?

Selina

Tom... I do the team talks, okay?

Tom James

You're absolutely right, ma'am.

Selina

And I agree with everything you just said, so get it together, people!

Tom James

What happens when there's— when there's a tie?

Ben

Everybody goes online to try to find out what happens when we get a tie.

Tom James

Any news on Sherman?

Dan

CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.

Selina

How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell; I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours. Underneath this whole honorable, decent, wholesome, boy scout crap of yours, I know exactly who you are.

Tom James

Oh, you do.

Selina

Yes, I do.

Tom James

Oh, so I don't have to explain that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency on a bunch of half-assed decisions...

Selina

What?

Tom James

...and, by the way, by messing around with that pretty-boy Charlie Baird, for God's sake!

Selina

What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this?

Tom James

I...I don't know, he's got nothing to do with it. What is he...

Selina

You're such a liar! You're such a liar! Why did you even join my ticket in the first place?

Tom James

Because I happen to believe in something called public service.

Selina

Oh, bullshit!

Tom James

Okay, well then, I've got no...

Selina

I'll tell you why! Because you wanted to be a step closer to the presidency and to me. You wanted it so bad, you could taste it.

Tom James

This is unbelievable. Please...

Selina

You are lying now just like you lied back then, just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes!

Tom James

Oh...well, now I got no idea what you're talking about.

Selina

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You remembered the green shoes that night, but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me? Come on. Come on! No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.

Tom James

Well, you got me. I'm gay. So...

Selina

Just admit it! Just say the truth for once in your life. Come on, Tom. You wanted to fuck me that night, just say it!

Tom James

Will you stop it?!

Selina

Just say you wanted to fuck my brains out!

Tom James

Alright, I wanted to fuck your brains out!

Selina

There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight!

Tom James

No, I am fucking you tonight!

Selina

No, I'm gonna fuck you!

Tom James

Vice President, take it or leave it.

Selina

I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.

Tom James

That's a "leave it."

Gary

You fuckers. How dare you. That magnificent woman was counting on you, and you losers let her down!

Dan

[into his phone] Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back; something amazing is happening.

Gary

All you fucking cared about was your stupid bad selves! [to Kent] Your numbers? Your numbers are garbage! [to Mike, who is discreetly filming Gary's eruption on his phone] Your speeches? Garbage! [to Ben] Oh, and you're supposed to give her advice?! Is that right?! Because all I heard was dumb, stupid, I don't know what the fuck it was!

Ben

Garbage?

Tom James

Gary...

Gary

Oh, shut up! You screwed her the worst, in all the ways! [laughs] Oh, I know! I know you make fun of me! And I know that you think that I'm funny, and I'm funny ha-ha-ha! Well at least I cared! I did my job!! I fucking cared!!!

Ben

Well, that just kinda made this whole year worth it.

Dan

Yeah.