Jeff quotes from Veep

Jeff

Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.

Jeff

[to Richard] You and I should talk. If you were 10% less black, I could make you president.

Jeff

I can elect anyone in New Hampshire. I can elect a Muslim AIDS virus. A terrorist fucking AIDS virus in the tiniest suicide vest ever made, I could make it Governor of New Hampshire.

Jeff

I've spoken to the governor, New Hampshire has agreed to hold a special election for the seat before Christmas. But...

Ben

Sounds like a big goddamn 'but'!

Jeff

Oh, yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams 'butt'; Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.

Kent

Ah, I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.

Ben

We have a list of vetted names here.

Jeff

Oh, great. Why don't you send them over to me, I'm running low on toilet paper.

Kent

Excuse me?

Jeff

You don't give me names, Beardo, I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up Tubby's dick!

Ben

So who's your choice?

Jeff

You know, I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.

Kent

Heard a lot of great things about Ezra!

Jeff

Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight, after kids will probably still be a seven. Mark my words: he will be president one day. But, Ezra is currently serving in Afghanistan. Plus, for anyone to beat the widow you're gonna have to fight dirty, and I don't shit where I eat.

Ben

Well, me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yoghurt on the crapper.

Jeff

We need a real piece of cannon fodder here. Some spectacular dumbass who's willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation and then fuck off so that Ezra can slide right in.

Ben

So, do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?

Jeff

[enigmatically] There's only one name on it.

Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and...

Jonah

Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero?

Jeff

No, I want you to run.

Jonah

You want me to run his campaign?

Jeff

No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. [Shocked, Jonah backs up] Joni?

Jonah

Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!

Jeff

This is just for one term here, Jonah. You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.

Jonah

Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three-week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.

Jeff

Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you.

Jonah

Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.

Jeff

Can I talk to you down here just a minute?

Jonah

[leaning forward] Yeah.

Jeff

Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. You are my puppet. I let you dance, and when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage! Now, do you or do you not understand me?!

Jonah

[meekly] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

Jeff

Hello, Jonie.

Jonah

Ugh, fuck. Hello, Uncle Jeff.

Jeff

Now, why do you think I'm here?

Jonah

To wish me a speedy recovery?

Jeff

No. Wishes belong at the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children. Actually, I'm here to thank you...

Jonah

Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.

...for shitting the urinal so badly, you made the Hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing.

Jonah

Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown--

Jeff

SHUT THE FUCK UP!! You epileptic Picasso painting!

Uh, you can't talk to him like that!

Jeff

[imitating Shawnee] "Uh, you can't talk to him like that!" Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? Someone you hired to make sure you don't get erections?

Jonah

That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.

Jonah!

Jonah

Her name is Shawnee Tanz, and you will treat her with respect!

Jeff

Tanz? As in Sherman Tanz?

That's right. He's my father.

Jeff

Oh, royalty. Well, then, I guess I should say I'm sorry...

Thank you.

Jeff

...sorry that you're even related to that human melted candle who puts the "Jew" in "Why people hate Jews". Tell me this, did he sell your training bras as cum rags to the sex offenders in his prisons? Listen here, Ms. Tranz, as of today, Jonie here is down three points to that wop wonder DeVincentis, so I am pulling this Creature From The Jizz Lagoon right off the New Hampshire Congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra

Jonah

What?!

Jeff

Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his rosy-headed pecker than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger you should be ashamed to call your body! The people of New Hampshire are going to be so grateful to me, I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.