Veep quotes

Amy

Hi, Sidney. How are you?

Sidney Purcell

Oh, you know, full of free shrimp.

Amy

Hey, here's the thing: Clean Jobs...

Sidney Purcell

Clean Jobs, yeah. What's going on there? You guys got a name yet? You too afraid of wrecking the Earth's resources to print up a press release?

Amy

I was actually gonna run a name by you...

Sidney Purcell

Don't say Chuck Furnham. [sees Amy's expression] Do not say Chuck Furnham! If you say Chuck Furnham, I will go into anaphylactic fucking shock.

Amy

I'm saying Chuck Furnham—

Sidney Purcell

FUCKING HELL!! Are you kidding me? Chuck Furnham, that's fucking official?!

Amy

Chuck is oil.

Sidney Purcell

No. No, no. Hey, I'm sorry, no. He's not oil. He's a fucking fossil but he's not oil. We need somebody who is plugged in. The only thing Chuck is plugged into is his fucking piss-bag.

Gary

You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next years list of hurricanes.

Selina

Ugh, shit! What if it hits and we get a headline saying "Selina causing large scale devastation."

Amy

People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am.

Selina

Really, Amy? Cause I've met some people. Okay, real people. And I gotta tell ya a lot of 'em are fucking idiots.

Gary

[after faking a call from POTUS] FYI, the President is not calling.

Selina

FYI, Gary, no shit.

Catherine

[about Jonah] You guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?

Jonah

I'm gonna get back to the White House. God, I love saying that!

Gary

What did you do?

Amy

You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 p.m.

Gary

Ooh.

Amy

7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that.

Gary

Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Selina

I'm the Vice President of the United States, you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherfucking knees.

Dan

I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was fuckin' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.

Amy

Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.

Dan

Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.

Amy

Eh— I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.

Amy

You know, democracy is fantastic but it is also fucking dull.

Gary

Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?

Amy

No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-Span. The irony would be too huge.

Mike

You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 A.M. today?

Sue

Am I sure? [stares him down]

Mike

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes.

Sue

I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Selina

[after a secret service agent laughs at her joke] That was totally inappropriate.

Amy

Inappropriate.

Selina

That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way. He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

Amy

I'll see to it.

Selina

Yeah.

Jonah

So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?

Dan

What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.

Jonah

[to the waiter] Where is the bread in this place, asshole? [to Dan] And you, you upstate New York dickshit-

Dan

Watch it.

Jonah

Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.

Sidney Purcell

I don't have any children. I have a niece and I fucking hate her.

Amy

How charming. I need to be getting home, so...

Sidney Purcell

You know I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, then you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled. This bill is a fucking disgrace, and I'm going to see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper. Just wanted to let you know.

Selina

"Viagra Prohibitor"? Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?

Amy

No. It means that even if a guy uses it...

Selina

...It doesn't work? They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me? You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.

Gary

God, no.

Amy

You said you had thick skin.

Gary

Wait wait wait, what about V-Pilf?

Amy

No, Gary.

Gary

That's flattering. You know what that means? Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.

Amy

Fuck.

Gary

Okay.