Roger Furlong quotes from Veep

Furlong

Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.

Furlong

[to Catherine, regarding Selina's new haircut] Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy.

Furlong

Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other. Fuck Broadway, this is real acting.

Furlong

And this is my fat Johnson, and you can suck it, as long as you don't put your dirt, gay mustache on it. What is that, some kind of side effect from your AIDS medication or did you shave it off of Freddie Mercury's corpse?

Furlong

You realize the whole goddamned Rayburn house office can hear you and your twink army in here cock-scraping each others' esophagi?!

Furlong

Holy shit, I can't believe you're actually showing that camel snatch you call a face in D.C. You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for Oliver!.

Furlong

Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?

Dan

Actually, my name is Dan Egan.

Furlong

Maybe you should make an address, okay? Talk about politics and America working together. People—

Selina

I know how to give a motherfucking speech! Don't you patronize me with your no-jaw. You, Congressman No-Jaw!

Furlong

You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants. How's that for a fucking metaphor?

Will

That's a simile, sir.

Furlong

Shut your mouth, you fat girl.

Kent

We're all on the same team here.

Furlong

Right, team Fuck Up. Yeah, I've got my membership card here, somewhere, I can't find it.

Kent

You need to look at the bigger picture!

Oh, I've seen the bigger picture! It show's POTUS lying to the American people! I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis, this is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies!

Furlong

Yeah, and not the good ones. Not Platoon.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you, Kent?! Seriously, when you pull the pin out, you're supposed to throw the grenade away. You don't stick it up your own fricking ass!

Ben

That I'd like to see.

Furlong

All right, let's get this over with ASAP. It's not gonna be easy with this big, gangly piss flap over here who moves like— hey, what do you move like, Will?

Will

I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man.

Furlong

That's right.

Amy

Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.

Ben

Well hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation; actual and general air of.

Amy

Yeah, I want their heads on my wall. Actual heads.

Furlong

God, I love this kind of talk; gets me aroused. [beat] Sorry, I meant "roused". [beat] No, did I mean—I meant "aroused"! Aroused.

Amy

Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?

Furlong

Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.

Amy

Ben, you're Owen Pierce.

Ben

Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.

Amy

Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.

Furlong

Don't do the voice, though.

Kent

I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.

Amy

Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?

Kent

Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.

Mike

Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.

They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.

Mike

What? Oh, my God...

Well, maybe—I dunno if it's gonna be Baywatch. There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could...

Furlong

You know, son, you should only talk when someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say "tickle me".

Amy

Jesus, that is a wicked twitch!

I can't watch this.

Furlong

Neither can she 'cause her fucking eyes don't work!

I think I've endorsed a Nazi!

Furlong

It'd explain the Hitler haircut!